Patrick Wilbert, believed to be the last person on the world who understand how iTunes works, passed away yesterday, aged 39, after a stress-related illness. Wilbert had dedicated the last 14 years of his life working out how to get music on and off his iPod via iTunes. He was successful with nearly every version of the app, and there is evidence that he was even able to use iTunes with the Windows operating system.
Facebook is set to offer fully automated profiles by the end of next year. Users who lack the will to update their status in person at odd intervals will be able to pre-select a lifetime’s worth of status updates that will automatically be posted to their profiles.
Industry experts predict a sharp increase in the number of mobile phone users choosing voice calls over text messages for fear of being branded a horrible racist following Apple’s unveiling of a new line of ethnically diverse emoji.
Having revealed that their current range of smart products will ‘listen’ to and gather personal information, the South Korean multinational was forced to concede that their self-aware TVs were now ‘silently judging’ their owners and malfunctioning accordingly.
Heterosexual couples who light up after sex will face hefty fines under a proposed new law to protect unborn children. The latest scientific research has indicated that after orgasm, smoking can impede sperm-rich semen in its journey towards the cervix, slowing it down by an average of 1.2 miles per hour.