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Schrödinger goal-line technology ‘causing more problems than it solves’

Heisenberg corporation 'gave up'The use of pioneering new quantum goal-line technology developed by the Schrödinger Research Institute in Berlin, which was intended to be the most accurate ever, has resulted in a near infinite level of confusion in the German amateur league where it is being trialled.

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NSA used ‘Microsoft Windows’ to infect millions of computers

The documents leaked by Edward Snowden have yielded what may be their most shocking revelation yet: plans to infect millions of computers with malware to prevent them from working properly. This was devised by the NSA in consultation with a shady billionaire, unofficially named as ‘Bill Gates’, who had close links to many different arms of the US government.

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‘Look Back’ videos backfire as users realise how rubbish their friends are

might as well go back to BeboThousands of Facebook users have been left disappointed after a newly-released feature enabling users to view a 90-second clip of their friends’ ‘highlights’ since joining the network has left many facing the realisation that their friends are, in fact, ‘rubbish’.

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NSA gaming surveillance concludes we REALLY hate pigs

it's almost as if it's some kind of metaphor for somethingYears of extensive illegal surveillance of our gaming habits has led to the shock revelation that the public ‘don’t just simply dislike’ hog-kind, but they actively ‘loathe’ all swine and their constant ‘flouting’ of building regulations.

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2014 – and still no sign of affordable personal jetpacks

maybe next yearMiddle-aged geeks are anticipating another year of broken promises, as the mediocre reality that is 2014 falls short of our vision of cloud cities, time travel and cheese in a can. Despite a decade elapsing since Arthur C. Clarke’s guarantee of alien contact, we are still to see automatic doors that go wooosh, Betamax in HD or a decent tune by One Direction.

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