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Samsung release a range of morally superior TVs

So much smarter than you.Having revealed that their current range of smart products will ‘listen’ to and gather personal information, the South Korean multinational was forced to concede that their self-aware TVs were now ‘silently judging’ their owners and malfunctioning accordingly.

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Government proposes post-coital smoking ban

'Yeah baby!' actually 'No baby'Heterosexual couples who light up after sex will face hefty fines under a proposed new law to protect unborn children. The latest scientific research has indicated that after orgasm, smoking can impede sperm-rich semen in its journey towards the cervix, slowing it down by an average of 1.2 miles per hour.

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Tesco daffodil incident ‘first stage of Backward Evolution’, warns science

Charles Darwin’s theory of evolution by natural selection was given even more credence this week, after several Tesco shoppers were hospitalised after ingesting daffodil bulbs they assumed were onions.

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Facebook apologises after site outage causes surge in conversations

users left 'friendless' for up to 50 minutesFacebook has apologised after it was taken offline by hackers today, prompting an hour of chaos in which people spoke to each other, looked out of the window or simply sat in quiet contemplation.

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Scientist trains teenager to use human speech

Following successful experiments teaching chimpanzees to use sign language, Dr Greg Watts has announced the first examples of human teen speech. ‘What we were all taught in medical school is that the vocal chords go through a maturation process, and that inarticulacy is inevitable during the adolescent phase.

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