NewsBiscuit

A sixteen-year-old part-time assistant at PC World is the surprise winner of this year’s Nobel Prize for Physics. Joe Ward from Northampton was awarded the prize in recognition, say the Nobel Committee, ‘of his outstanding contribution to physics and computer science by correctly advising Mrs Ethel Knight, 62, of Northampton, on how to attach a mouse to a computer USB port’.

Mr Ward, who works at his local PC World at weekends, said he was ‘gob smacked’ on receiving the letter informing him of his success. ‘It was awesome,’ he told journalists. ‘I knew I’d done something pretty cool, but I didn’t think I had a chance of a Nobel Prize. But, looking back, I suppose it was pretty groundbreaking for a PC World guy to give out correct technical information.’

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IPC magazines have pulled the December edition of Gadgetz magazine after the cover model remained un-aroused by the new Motorola ‘Palm Gateway’ device that she was holding provocatively throughout the photo shoot.

‘We can’t understand it’ remarked a bemused Jez Ritchey, Gadgetz editor ‘it’s a 3G phone/satnav/gaming device all in one sleek widescreen tablet; that sort of thing usually has our models in the throes of ecstasy.’

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Parents everywhere were delighted today by the news that veterinarians have at last developed a form of the ever-popular Christmas gift, the dog, that won’t linger on into the New Year and beyond the festive period. The new ‘Live Fast, Die Young’ breed ages at the rate of seven dog years to one hour, so shoppers can rest assured that by the twelfth hour of Christmas their true love will be left with nothing more than fond memories and a freshly-dug mound of earth in the garden, or their money back

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Microsoft has admitted that its regular software updates are ‘pranks’ largely generated by bored or frustrated programmers. The admission, which follows a three-year investigation by a special US Congressional Committee, has merely confirmed what many computer experts have been saying for some time.

Nigel Drake, a software analyst with Drayton Mann, said: ‘Honestly, when was the last time you actually downloaded a ‘critical’ update or patch from Microsoft, and it made any difference to anything you were doing? The screen doesn’t change, it doesn’t go any faster, it doesn’t stop getting attacked by viruses, it doesn’t boot up quicker, in fact if anything it gets slower and then your whole screen goes black.’

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In a surprise twist to the search to discover the origins of he universe Pope Benedict and the Archbishop of Canterbury Dr Rowan Williams are to be fired at one another at the speed of light in the Large Hadron Collider at Cern.

James Gillies, Cern’s Director of Communications, told reporters that the two church leaders were almost ready to travel to the French-Swiss border. ‘They have been praying together and wishing each other a safe journey before they meet again head-on in the middle of the 27km-long circular tunnel.’

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