The ban, which stretches back to 1996, was imposed on the ageing pop star after his painful rendition of ‘Singing in the Rain’ on Centre Court left spectators traumatised and unable to enjoy the rest of the tennis.
The 22-year-old from Shanklin was only introduced to tennis just six months ago when his uncle returned from the mainland with a racquet he had found in a hedge, and that he initially believed to be a sophisticated device for dicing apples.
The successor to Sralex Ferguson as the manager of Manchester United has been chosen via a series of elimination tests, resulting in many hopeful managers losing any chance of ever enjoying ‘the big time’. Throughout the season, a large number of eager applicants with ridiculously over-inflated opinions of their abilities have been trialled but have failed spectacularly, and been summarily dismissed with the chilling words: ‘You’re fired’.
Following an attempt yesterday by six-time Olympic gold medallist Sir Chris Hoy to retire from professional cycling, the Work and Pensions secretary Iain Duncan Smith has immediately legislated to require all members of team GB to continue professional competition ‘until at least 75 years of age, preferably longer’.