‘We hoped that a new generation would dare to dream of one day carrying in the athletes’ tracksuits after a race, or measuring how far the discus was thrown.’
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‘To call that authentic fighting is shite. There was no spitting or hair pulling, and the words ‘you slag’ weren’t even shouted.’
Now that Kevin Burgess’s Olympic dream has fizzled out, he has been forced to concede that his schoolmates were quite right to label him a saddo gayer.
‘Just look at Jess Ennis, Mo Farah and that ginger lad – George Osborne has been cutting their funding like mad since we got in, and look what it did for them. Brilliant.’
Britain’s Olympians have been urged to make more of their astonishing success, and take the opportunity to ‘really rub it in’ to the French.