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British swimmer wins gold despite no inspirational backstory

British swimmer Ben Green from Leicester has won Bronze in the men’s 50 metre freestyle despite not having to overcome huge adversity to achieve his dream of winning an Olympic medal.

Speaking at a press conference the 21-year-old left reporters dumbfounded when he announced that both of his parents were in the rudest of health and that he himself had never once been at death’s door as a child. [read...]

IS
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IS viewers disappointed at lack of killings at Euro 2016

The official television channel of Islamic State is being flooded with complaints from viewers displeased with the spectacle on offer at Euro 2016, according to sources in Raqqah. A shocking lack of terrorist attacks on France’s stadia during the tournament has reportedly left viewing figures in limbo and satellite images show that fan zones in Raqqa and Mosul have been empty for days due to the appallingly low ratio of mass slaughters per match. [read...]

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