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Best of Newsbiscuit - February 2024



February 2024...


Politic mudslinging in Britain continued, as election fever tightened its grip. The government continued to do nothing, which it considered the least worst option, while factions inside the Conservative Party knocked seven bells out of each other. Keir Starmer continued his policy of promising nothing, and talked tough to keep his recalcitrant troops into line.


In the US, Joe Biden (‘the gaffer’) continued to insist that he could beat Donald Trump, and wouldn’t quit the race. Trump continued to do and say strange things. How we laughed.


In other news, royal illnesses loomed large. In the world of sport, we ran the prophetic story ‘Tom Hartley to be fast-tracked to cricketing failure’. And we had some topical Valentine’s Day posts.


Here’s a personal selection of the top stories from February 2024, loosely organised by topic. Click through to read the stories and the author credits. Scroll down to see a selection of the month’s best headlines.


Politics UK


Politics USA


Royal News


Valentine’s Day


Sport and Lifestyle


And a selection of the best headlines from February 2024


Including all the other news – taxes, net zero, Navalny, the green belt, Covid inquiry, and Gaza. We are fearless. We can make fun of almost anything….


Airfix modeller struggling with the transfer window

Overworked journalists ask Tories for just one scandal at a time

Popular Conservatives even less popular than actual Conservatives

Chancellor to raise taxes to fund tax cuts

Hermit orders contactless debit card

Pulping companies eagerly await copies of Liz Truss's new book

'My memory is fine' - Biden tells coat rack

Trawler men admit net zero isn't working for them           

‘I remember when all this were buildings,’ says Gazan grandfather

Navalny felt unwell after walk to clifftop, prison officials say

Failed pop star says he's bored hitless

Green belt loosened

Ozone Layer accused of Massive Cover-Up

‘Sturgeon harvested my tears before Covid Inquiry attendance,’ says crocodile

Netanyahu sets up Frontières Sans Médecins

Man found guilty of overusing commas is told to expect a very long sentence

'Aim for the stars' Oscars sniper told

Teachers astonished to learn they only do 26 hours unpaid overtime a week


Picture credit: Wix AI

Earth to be Recycled


They've only gone and done it again, despite the court order. The editorial team at NewsBiscuit have compiled another anthology of stories, one-liners and cartoons covering an otherwise quiet twelve-month period in the UK and outside world with fake news, news which should have been fake and sometimes just something that feels funny. The last bit was aimed at the last remaining GP in UK, just in case they're working today. The stories might make you laugh, they might make you cry, but at least they haven't crashed the economy - yet. We have Prime Ministers for that!


Over 1000 short stories and more than 200 headlines culled from the daily output from September 2021 through to the end of August 2022, all put together in a cynical ploy to fund the UK's oldest and best fake news website - NewsBiscuit.com. NewsBiscuit exists to provide a writing outlet for hundreds of established and aspirational comedy writers and to post a daily dose of humour designed to distract tens of thousands of people from working, restoring the economy or otherwise making a useful contribution to society - 365 days a year, most years (we stretch to 366 days a year now and then for reasons we haven't quite understood).


Earth to be Recycled makes a great gift for friends and for yourself





Five Go Dobbing in the Neighbours


Uncle Quentin was seen in Smuggler’s Cove, without a mask,’ exclaimed Julian.


‘What a frightful bore,’ said George. ‘Doesn’t he know that Timmy has an undying medical condition? He keeps eating poisoned food’.


They said it couldn’t be done. A new NewsBiscuit annual. Or maybe it was ‘shouldn’t’. That’s right, it shouldn’t be done. In fact, there was a petition. Maybe a march or two? Now that I think about it, there was a Court Order. People chaining themselves to railings. The threat of a military coup.


But we said to hell with them. We were going to publish. Regardless of the suffering and derisory sales. If we could get Brexit done, how hard would it be to write a NewsBiscuit book?


BTW how’s the Brexit thing going?


From the same team that brought you 'Fifteen Years of Typos' comes an extensive anthology of twelve months of fake news from the UKs original fake news site, Newsbiscuit. Over 800 carefully curated comedy fake news articles and more than 700 one-line news gags all together in one volume written by some of the funniest and most creative comedy writers known to work for free.


Articles drawn from September 2020 until August 2021, approximately mirroring events in the real world, include:



Bloke in pub to join Cabinet


NATO to tut and shake their heads at Russia


Second wave of press conferences to hit the UK


National Fiasco Memorial built in the wrong place


Coronavirus will be with us for between two years and forever, say scientists


Biden selects Kamala Harris to be his running-mate and carer


Government finally admits it has 'no idea' why we have daylight saving time


and hundreds more


Five Go Dobbing in the Neighbours makes a great gift for friends and to yourself





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