Following Boris Johnson's trip to Kyiv and his promise to assist Zelenskiy with more weapons, the Met Police have sent almost their entire stock of fixed penalty notices to Ukraine. It is expected these will be put on Russian tanks parked on double yellow lines. As a consequence, the force has so far only been able to issue 50 fines to low-ranking Partygategoers. The Met was unable to to say when it expects to get further supplies to replenish its stock, as they are apparentl

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'I never met Epstein,' said a two-dimensional Melania Trump in a statement yesterday, 'or any of his creepy friends like Donald Trump, or their gangster's moll wives and girlfriends.

Winner: MrQ Runners-Up: "Kiss of life lessons, part 69." (Granger); "Labour keeps its promise to "go down hard" on small boat traffickers." (Sydalg).

A spokes-blitherer blithered 'We've inducted the President of the USA into the Ramblers and promoted him to chief - because he's proving himself to be one of the most persistent ramblers of modern times.'

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The White House has boasted that Trump's ceasefire is so comprehensive that people can keep fighting without disrupting it - no matter how many bombs Israel drops, it cannot shatter the peace and tranquillity of the President's vision. His spokeswoman confirmed: 'The work of righteousness will be peace, and the effect of righteousness, quietness and assurance forever. Now, let's kick some ass!'

Boris Johnson recently visited Ukraine to determine its suitability as somewhere for Tory cabinet ministers and their spouses to be domiciled but obviously not to live. Tory intern Henry Hootington-Hurst said 'The Channel and Cayman Islands are a bit passé these days. For elite tax dodging, you've got to start hitting war zones. If you get caught, you disguise it as a photo op with a younger, more charismatic, more popular leader and donate them some weapons.' 'Alternatively

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Jenny (42) won almost £3,000 in compensation from the Enid Blyton Estate after we proved that she had been mis sold a life involving ginger beer, missing scientists and improbable adventures on Scottish islands.

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"At the moment, the Americans say the Strait of Hormuz is open to shipping and the Iranians say it is closed," said Dr Hiram Smorgasbord of Kharg Island Armageddon University.

In a surprise announcement Chancellor Rishi Sunak has said that as of Monday, all taxes will be optional. "This expands our existing policies", explained Mr Sunak. "Up until now, optional taxes were available to the Royal family, my wife and other very rich people but now, people will be able to choose whether or not to pay taxes." The new policy has experienced some teething problems; with long queues at shops as customers debate whether they have to pay VAT. Chris Grayling