A&E departments up and down the country are reporting record numbers of middle aged men crowding corridors with serious sniffles and occasional coughs searching for spare gurneys to flop on to.

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Jordan Hubbard (32) received a work email on Christmas day, reminding him to get back to the office for his main quest. In no uncertain terms his boss explained that Jordan had got distracted by family and the unfamiliar concept of happiness. After all, his employer said: "If you want to level up, focus on the loot reward. But don't expect a boss fight at the end."

Medics, homeopaths, alternative health practitioners and witches are concerned about the President's mental health. One quack doctor told us, 'I monitor what the President says and does very closely, for my podcast. It is very clear that the flow of lies, untruths, half-truths and utter nonsense is changing. The volume of nonsense is diminishing. And markedly. He doesn't spout total guff with the same volume or frequency or enthusiasm as before. The contributions aren't as ba

There were calls for changes to The Dangerous Bureaucrats Act last night after a 3-year-old girl was admitted to Great Ormond Street...

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'I've been expecting to retire for years,' said Old Father Time today.  'But the government keeps putting the retirement age back, making my retirement looking less and less likely.'  Old Father Time insists enough 'stamps' have been paid', but doesn't seem likely to be able to hang the scythe up anytime soon.

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The Prime Minister explained: "On one track is a well-funded service, safe and efficient. And on the other track is just $hit. A huge pile of fetid crap."

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The US Congress has voted for shorter working hours.

Panic has set in at the highest levels of Government after it has become apparent they may have peaked too early with their overblown...

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