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West Streeting today hailed his new trial of outsourcing of A and E patients as an unqualified success, apart from the deaths and medical complications.

A spokesman said, ‘Sales from our world menu promotion have, in truth, been disappointing. Our customers have expressed a strong preference for traditional British menu items like hamburgers, pizza slices and iced do-nuts with sprinkles. So, our world menu promotion is ending today.

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In a move aides describe as “possibly even dafter than the Emily Maitlis interview”, the artist formerly known as Prince Andrew has decided to relaunch himself as a rock star.

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Military chiefs have completed quite the contortion by patting themselves on the back while giving themselves a reach around.

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For decades A Levels have been a rite of passage for ambitious teenagers, struggling over lists of facts, complex equations and the harsh...

"We've stripped Andrew of about 20 titles and honours since 2022, including being Vice-Admiral of the Fleet, Colonel in Chief of several regiments and a member of the Most Honourable Order of the Garter," said a spokes-stooge for Buckingham Palace.

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Reform politicians are growing ‘increasingly concerned’ about the low level of violence perpetrated by immigrants. ‘Is it too much to ask?’ a spokesman said.

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The ghost of Guy Fawkes has issued an apology for ‘all the f*cking fireworks’ and says that he would never have tried to blow up Parliament if he’d known about the centuries of shit bonfires and distraught pets.