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Army Top Brass are pleased that the 'prince' will not be able to use 10,000 soldiers for needless yomps up and down hills any more. An army spokesman said, 'this was a gross misuse of trained professionals, marching these troops up to the top of a hill, for no reason other than to march them down again. And simply to confirm that when they are up, they are up. Madness. Sheer, bloody madness.' Major-General Headly-Smedley-Landrover-Smyth was quoted as saying, 'We are glad

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'Mon Dieu!' wailed a curator from the Louvre. 'These jewels swiped from our museum were literally unique. 'Just think, these Philistines took Brigitte Bardot's cat flap. How can we ever replace a national treasure like that? 'And they stole Sir Stephen Fry - a British national treasure which was on loan to us from King Charles. They must have cut him up into pieces to get him through the Louvre window. 'Quel dommage! Such damage! They will probably end up being sold for

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A huge police search was under way for Liz Truss’s credibility after the final piece of it was said to have gone out of the window at...

The Prince of Darkness is giving up his titles, including the Mammon Demon of Greed, following 'discussion with the King.' In a statement, The Former Angel of the Abyss said that the 'continued accusations about me distract from the work of stealing, killing and destroying.' Beelzebub will remain a prince, but will cease to be The Lord of the Flies, as well as giving up membership of a group of demons known as Legion, the oldest and most senior order of the underworld. Lucife

Winner: TonyMc Runners-Up: "It wasn’t difficult to find the grave of Melchisédech Thévenot, the inventor of the spirit level." (Midfield Diamond); "The disturbed leaves indicate that the were-Thatcher walks amongst us once more." (Lockjaw) The Impressive Brevity Award Goes To: "Tombs stoned." (Dick Everyman)

The Birmingham bin strike is well into its eighth month, but it's not all bad news. Several enterprising companies are offering 'bin strike experiences' and guided tours of the main locations. Colin leads the 'Apocalypse Now' tour, which is popular with residents and visitors alike. 'It's not too serious,' he says. 'No-one wants to be lectured about typhoid and dysentery. 'We ask our guests to put on Hazmat suits for the tour, and we give them Geiger counters and a mallet fo

I have decided to stand back from using certain titles, so henceforth I and the press won't be using 'Randy Andy' anymore. 'His former Royal Highness Randy Andy' is included. I am also ditching my remaining Royal patronages including Pizza Express. My Royal endorsement for Sure deodorant will remain as a necessity as I have, thankfully,learned how to sweat again. I will renounce my attendance at Christmas lunch with the King and will be tucking in at the Hungry Horse in Winds

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Controversy surrounds the banning of Maccabi Tel Aviv fans, who had provoked outrage by demanding VAR goal line technology extend from the river to the sea. Villa justified their actions saying Birmingham was their ancestral home and that God had promised them a European Cup 3,000 years ago. Villa further claimed Maccabi fans were a terrorist threat and had previously rejected 2-2 solution. 'What next?' complained one Maccabi hooligan. 'Our full surrender, the destruction of

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