top of page
Search

NewsBiscuit: Best of December 2024


December 2024


In December 2024 everything happened to a backing track of Christmas carols, making them seem ever-so-slightly less awful. In the UK, there was another Andrew-formerly-known-as-Prince controversy. This one was about his links with a Chinese spy. But can you list all the Andrew controversies since then? Thought not. The government offered health workers a measly pay increase, compensated LGBT service personnel, but decided (at the time) not to compensate the Waspi women. Planning any more U-turns, Keir? The prison service scandal of the day was about prisoners on early release being mistakenly released too early. How times have changed. And the UK economy continued to stutter. Re...re...re…cession? How times have changed.


In the New Year’s honours list, Sadiq Khan was recognised for services to congestion, and Gareth Southgate got a knighthood for trying really, really hard at the footie, and for always wearing a suit.


In entertainment news, Greg Wallace was deemed too unsavoury for cooking shows, and the BBC went on far too much about the Gavin & Stacey Christmas special.


After overdosing on the US presidential election for all of 2024, the media decided not to report any news from America this month.


Here is a selection of the top Newsbiscuit stories from December 2024, selected by popular vote. Thanks to the three people who voted… Click through to read the stories and see the author credits. Scroll down to see some of the month’s best headlines.


Politics


Stories about Christmas, and Prince Charmless


Sport and Entertainment


Other news


And here are the Headlines...


Politics

Labour brings in Tory cuts

Labour government makes absolute commitment to reduce immigration 'to some extent'

Compo results: LGBT veterans £70k - Waspi women £nil

Waspi women retire hurt

'So Nigel Farage. What first attracted you to the billionaire Elon Musk?'


Entertainment

BBC expected to dial down the Gavin & Stacey stories in February

BBC refuses to comment on 'culture of silence'

Wallace led me around on all fours, says Gromit

Masterchef to remain on air with Wallace's head replaced by deepfake potato


Andrew M-W

Prince Andrew sweating now

Andrew can't even send out for a Chinese now


Organisations

Samaritans not happy with Christmas Jumper day

Quitters Anonymous disband during first meeting

Weight Watchers: still big in UK


And finally...

A single cigarette takes £1.30 off your life, say scientists

Single man with bad handwriting is UK's most illegible bachelor

Ruthless bounty hunter tears sweet shop apart

The last two candidates to illustrate auction catalogue have to draw lots

A woman took time off work to have a Brazilian butt lift. Now she’s all behind



Image credit: deep dream generator

Men poised for greatness, just as soon as the Xmas aftershave arrives



It’s that time of the year again, when Britain’s men recapture their untamed spirit through the application of aromatic placebos.


Barry (31) has a birthday in January, so he has a long time to wait between aftershave top-ups. “I can feel my powers waning at this end of the year”, he told us. “Wearing the right aftershave I can be my own man - enigmatic yet strong, a gentle savage in a primeval wilderness. When it wears off I’m just Barry, assistant accountant in a stationery business”.


Barry’s girlfriend Alison (28) is giving him Dior’s ‘Sauvage’ this Christmas. “I’d like him to be a bit more Johnny Depp”, she explained. “Not so much the Amber Heard thing, more . . . running with wolves, you know, an act of creation inspired by wide-open spaces. That’s the Barry I’d prefer. I did consider that one with all the sailors but they looked a bit gay, plus he gets seasick”.


Britain experiences an upwelling of masculine greatness shortly after Christmas each year. Scientists declare themselves baffled by the phenomenon. “I’m baffled”, said Professor Green from Imperial College. “It’s a total f**king mystery. I was sceptical at first – I ran the stuff through a mass spectrometer and there’s nothing really significant there – but then I saw Johnny Depp with his shirt open and a bloke and a woman floating up towards the moon and now I’m not so sure”.




First published 13 Dec 2022


If you enjoyed this archive item, why not buy thousands of archive stories found in our eBooks, paperbacks and hardbacks?















bottom of page