Cancer charities are celebrating today after the breakthrough discovery at the Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine that the majority of cancers are attributed to bad luck rather than environmental or genetic factors. Professor Naills Joffrey, 42 (age and BMI), gestured with a cheeseburger while describing the findings.
As yet there is no known cure for Ebola but the doctor in charge of the case has said he is yet to find anything that is able to survive a dose of NHS macaroni cheese and a follow up course of lukewarm apple pie and custard-like liquid.
A man is fighting for his life today after going ‘cold turkey’ following a Christmas eating binge. Dick Scales, 36, a much loved member of sleepy local seaside town Ringhersham remains in a ‘Stable, but critical condition’ following a sudden withdrawal of festive foodstuffs.
It’s the bout everyone’s been waiting for: Ebola ‘The Kidney Musher’ versus Britain’s very own home-grown bacterium, MRSA ‘The Superbug’. The two contenders are to meet in 16 days’ time at Mid Staffordshire Hospital or whatever it’s called by then, to fight for the undisputed title of the world’s baddest disease. And, predictably, the macho boasting has begun already.