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HealthBiscuit

Millions die of boredom as ‘binge abstinence’ takes NHS to breaking point

Doctors’ leaders have called on the government to take urgent action against a new social phenomenon which has caused the sudden deaths of men the length and breadth of the UK.

Affecting mainly self-loathing, middle-class fortysomethings whose boozy excesses during the festive season have led them to taking a ‘dry’ January, so-called ‘binge abstinence’ has side-effects which often prove fatal.

Dr. Kate Thompson from Guys Hospital Accident and Emergency Unit says, ‘Since about the 3rd of January, we’ve been under huge pressure every night. We’re dealing with wave after wave of men who are simply unaccustomed to dealing with the grinding monotony of their two free hours an evening sober.’

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Amateur brushers banned from using Oral B Pro-Expert toothpaste

oral b-warePeople with amateur teeth have been banned from buying or using Oral B Pro-Expert toothpaste under new dental healthcare guidelines. Similarly, only those who use their teeth professionally and have a licence to prove it will be able to obtain Colgate sensitive Pro-relief over the counter. And ‘Pro’-rated toothbrushes, both electric and manual, will also now only be available to those who can smile suitably whitely at newly installed till-top electronic teeth recognition scanners.

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Miley virus classed as sexually-televised infection

vaccine in development but too late to save the worst afflictedIn a week of natural disasters, human tragedy and suffering, a new STI has reared its ugly head to claim its stake as the latest virtual canker to cause widespread panic and confusion.

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Free schools’ unqualified staff idea extended to ‘Free Hospitals’

Policy HuntUnder new plans unveiled by the government, citizens are now being allowed to set up their own GP surgeries and hospitals without having to worry about the levels of bureaucracy which currently force them to use qualified staff.

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David Cameron pledges to end GP shortage by sending all of us to medical school

dissenters urged to take aspirin and come back in a fortnight if they still feel the sameIn a bold move, the Conservative leader has pledged to keep all under-25s in education, meaning a bumper crop of GPs, and the occasional frighteningly large kid who never quite made it out of primary school.

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