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HealthBiscuit

Smokers hoping for ‘X-Men style superpowers’ following genetic mutation TV adverts

faster than a speeding glob ejected from an emphysemic lungThe latest anti-smoking campaign has seen the message that smoking causes genetic mutations being misinterpreted by science fiction fans who have long fantasised about suddenly developing superpowers.

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Health alert as more police fall victim to collective amnesia

can't even remember where they parked the car‘Collective amnesia? Never heard of it. What does it actually mean?’ was the response from a spokesperson from Surrey Police on their members’ inability to remember high profile offences. It’s a rare condition, whose medical name is Amnesia Constabularia, and for which there is no cure.

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Three ‘blind’ mice lose disability benefits in welfare crackdown

delighted to now be allowed to operate welding machinery and fork-lift trucksThe three blind mice made famous in the popular nursery rhyme have been stripped of their disability benefits, the Department for Work and Pensions confirmed today.

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Thousands of outdoor smokers perish during UK ‘Big Freeze’

doctors calling for winter to be banned on health groundsFigures released today reveal that 15,436 UK smokers froze to death during the month of March. Many of them perished in broad daylight outside High Street coffee shops whilst sitting down quietly, giving off bad smells and obscuring the visibility of passers-by and other customers as they came and went, but otherwise minding their own business.

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‘Weird old weight loss tip’ advertised on internet turns out to be heroin addiction

choose lite‘It turns out that ‘Paul from Glasgow’ does exist and really did lose the weight, but when we found him in a bedsit he was sitting in his own filth, injecting heroin between his toes and hadn’t eaten for three days.’

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