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HealthBiscuit

Amateur brushers banned from using Oral B Pro-Expert toothpaste

oral b-warePeople with amateur teeth have been banned from buying or using Oral B Pro-Expert toothpaste under new dental healthcare guidelines. Similarly, only those who use their teeth professionally and have a licence to prove it will be able to obtain Colgate sensitive Pro-relief over the counter. And ‘Pro’-rated toothbrushes, both electric and manual, will also now only be available to those who can smile suitably whitely at newly installed till-top electronic teeth recognition scanners.

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Miley virus classed as sexually-televised infection

vaccine in development but too late to save the worst afflictedIn a week of natural disasters, human tragedy and suffering, a new STI has reared its ugly head to claim its stake as the latest virtual canker to cause widespread panic and confusion.

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Free schools’ unqualified staff idea extended to ‘Free Hospitals’

Policy HuntUnder new plans unveiled by the government, citizens are now being allowed to set up their own GP surgeries and hospitals without having to worry about the levels of bureaucracy which currently force them to use qualified staff.

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David Cameron pledges to end GP shortage by sending all of us to medical school

dissenters urged to take aspirin and come back in a fortnight if they still feel the sameIn a bold move, the Conservative leader has pledged to keep all under-25s in education, meaning a bumper crop of GPs, and the occasional frighteningly large kid who never quite made it out of primary school.

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Welsh economy set to boom after go-ahead for ‘organ farms’

yachi da, hwyl fawrWelsh farmers are quietly ditching traditional farming in favour of new, more profitable uses of the countryside, after a historic decision by the Welsh Assembly to legalise the trade in human organs.

The soundtrack in the fields on Monmouthshire, Powys and beyond is already changing from the bleating of sheep who’ve mislaid their lambs, or forgotten where their food is until they look down, into cries of plaintive anguish from ramblers who are being systematically rounded up on Welsh hillsides, crammmed into pens and fattened for market.

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