‘It’s a thorny issue,’ said Bill Wilkins, one of the government’s top advisors on health-related issues, ‘but the reality is that the amount of prescription drugs being handed over on the street under duress has tripled in a year. Thousands of people being mugged at knifepoint for their painkillers are falling down badly in terms of their duty of care. Some of them are also falling down badly if they get stabbed, but that’s another issue’
President Obama has offered to send 3,000 American troops to Liberia to help fight the virus outbreak, on the proviso that Ebola adopts a more Jihadist approach. In turn the US industrial arms complex has said it has billions of dollars worth of weaponry waiting to be sold the moment Ebola declares a fundamentalist Islamic state, grows a beard or ‘discovers oil’.
Scottish Health ministry officials today issued an urgent report highlighting the growing risks from eating uncooked Mars Bars, claiming that the habit seems to have been introduced by visitors and immigrants from the south, who seem to be unaware of how the Mars Bar should be prepared for consumption.
‘A raw Mars Bar can contain up to five grams of saturated fat’, a Glasgow-based nutritionist confirmed, ‘which is way too little for our digestive systems to cope with. Deep frying it in lard is essential to ensure the healthy goodness of the bar slides effortlessly through the stomach and is absorbed in the lower intestines.’