NewsBiscuit

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HealthBiscuit

Pensioners helpfully reminded ‘your days are numbered’

Pensions Minister Steve Webb has proposed that all of the UK’s OAPs should be given a stark reality check in terms of life expectancy.
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Middle class parents turn to plastic surgery to sharpen elbows

all about giving the kids a decent kick startEvidence is mounting to suggest that middle class parents have found a new way to help their children get ahead in an increasingly competitive world.

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Men on diets demand to know when the potato ‘stopped being a vegetable’

Frustrated males shamed into embracing a healthy regime have been outraged to discover that starchy, tuberous crops are not the route to a six-pack, female approval and eternal life as had been previously suggested.

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Lung cancer still looks ‘way cool’, say scientists

exclusive club, but always open to new membersScientists and ‘guys with leather jackets’ have hailed the number of smokers across the world reaching the one billion mark as a ringing endorsement of nicotine, pulmonary disease, Dot Cotton and everyone who has appeared in a French film ever.

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Millions die of boredom as ‘binge abstinence’ takes NHS to breaking point

Doctors’ leaders have called on the government to take urgent action against a new social phenomenon which has caused the sudden deaths of men the length and breadth of the UK.

Affecting mainly self-loathing, middle-class fortysomethings whose boozy excesses during the festive season have led them to taking a ‘dry’ January, so-called ‘binge abstinence’ has side-effects which often prove fatal.

Dr. Kate Thompson from Guys Hospital Accident and Emergency Unit says, ‘Since about the 3rd of January, we’ve been under huge pressure every night. We’re dealing with wave after wave of men who are simply unaccustomed to dealing with the grinding monotony of their two free hours an evening sober.’

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