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‘When will it be acceptable to wear tights again?’ asks bank robber

Bank robbers and other members of the criminal fraternity have found themselves in a quandary over the latest fashionista pronouncement that the wearing of extra thick, comfortable hosiery – or indeed any hosiery at all – is out this season.

‘I don’t know what to do, really,’ said one armed robber who wishes to remain anonymous.  ’I leaf through the latest edition of Vogue and it’s like going bare is in this season

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‘Sh@t’ still fails to make the list of new storms

While the British public in their infinite wisdom have selected inspirational weather monikers such as Nigel and Steve, more appropriate storm names are going unrequited. Unimaginative responses to the Met Office appeal have meant that no whirlwinds are named after romance, no blasts are called after the past and not a single ‘bloviating windbags’ is named after Michael Gove.

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Conkers crap, middle-aged man is reminded

Roger Martindale, a 48-year-old chartered surveyor from Bromsgrove, has returned from a trip down memory lane by playing conkers in the back garden with his 12-year-old son Nigel in the evening mist.  Unfortunately the memories that were revived were all awful, given that the experience served mainly to confirm that his childhood games were basically pants.

‘Nigel kept on at me to collect conkers with him, then drill holes through them and play,’ Martindale said. ‘I thought it might be a fun, quality time experience for us to share but after about 100 goes each and only dealing a glancing blow to each other’s conker twice each, I started to wonder how much longer I’d have to – AHHHH! Dammit, Nigel, mind my bloody knuckles will you?’

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Man breaks awkward, thin-lipped smile endurance record in work corridor

An office worker from Birmingham has broken the world record for sustaining an awkward, toothless grin after a colleague he vaguely knew caught his eye as they walked towards each other. Thirty-five year old Mike Ambridge unwillingly maintained the idiotic expression for almost three minutes after making eye contact with Kate from Accounts – a woman he briefly spoke to on a training course four years ago.

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Brian Sewell describes Heaven as ‘kitsch nightmare propped up by vulgar columns’

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