NewsBiscuit

Justin Harris of Harrow was rushed to hospital on New Year’s Eve following a frantic but failed attempt to fulfil all his New Year’s resolutions for 2009 in the last few days of the year.

After realising on boxing day that he hadn’t managed to achieve any of his goals for the year, Harris set about using the Christmas to New Year lull to have a go at rectifying the situation. However, he finally succumbed to serious injuries involving his car on New Year’s Eve at some point after his first 10-mile marathon training run in the morning, and before his scheduled attempt to complete the 26.2 mile course in the afternoon.

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A 27-year old man from Norwich has been arrested after a disagreement over a Christmas dinner escalated into violence. Tony Clark was taken into custody after pinning his brother-in-law Stuart Lindsay to a table, and threatening to stab him through the heart with a turkey drumstick.

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Raymond Wilcox, a 43-year old analyst from Bromsgrove, has reported mixed results in his attempts to get a local woman into bed using their pet dogs.

Wilcox met attractive divorcee Anna Sheppard, 37, on the local common when his West Highland terrier Flint started playing with her Jack Russell bitch Molly. The sight of the two small dogs rolling happily around in the grass together prompted other dog owners to start referring to them as an engaged couple.

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The 22-year union between Lionel and Marjorie Alwyn was reportedly under threat last night, as it emerged that Mr Alwyn had declined their traditional festive sexual congress and asked ‘for the money instead’.

‘Well what was I supposed to say?’ said an outraged Mrs Alwyn, who had been led to believe that her festive fur-trimmed stockings and saucy Santa hat had been hitting the spot since the Berlin Wall came down. ‘And it wasn’t just that he was turning down a few hours of nookie with me in favour of some money in an envelope. It was that he only gave it a transferable value of twenty-five quid.’

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A hotly anticipated gathering of a group of wives has resulted in an entire evening of anecdotes about the enormous appreciation they bear towards their spouses. ‘As we don’t see each other as much as we used to, it’s just so great to get together and really sing the boys’ praises,’ said Alice Smyth of Guildford, whose husband David looks especially sexy playing Guitar Hero.

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