BMW has announced that it is seeking to expand its customer base beyond dickheads to include idiots, twats and pillocks as well. As a result, the company’s infamously stringent ‘Dickhead Test’ for prospective purchasers is to be considerably modified.
While recovering from frostbite, explorer Sir Ranulph Fiennes is embarking on an ambitious challenge to become the first man to successfully navigate his local Ikea store. In undertaking this mission he hopes to create the first accurate map of Ikea, for which no useful chart exists. The expedition is expected to take four months.
Tests carried out by reading the label on a packet of Waitrose luxury muesli have revealed that it contains a large percentage of horse food. As a result, all supermarkets are removing muesli products from their shelves ‘as a precautionary measure’.