‘This is the largest retail collapse in the entire history of the Universe,’ said BBC Business Editor Robert Peston, ‘and nobody saw it coming.’
Julian Wordsworth, a middle aged man currently residing in Surrey, has recently admitted to friends that he has become ‘consumed’ by the process of going over arguments he had a long time ago in his head, often obsessively imagining clever and pithy retorts he should have said at the time.
Steven Harris (32) from Croydon, South London reported feeling the crushing realisation that his best years are far behind him while watching an episode of ITV2′s ‘The Big Reunion: On Tour’ last Thursday.
The phone lines of the well-respected Bank of Mum and Dad have been jammed by accountholders after rumours that the Dad side of the business has been in ‘secret deals’ with an allegedly ‘inappropriate non-financial institution’, with huge sums of the bank’s reserves unaccounted for. This has led the Mum side of the business to initiate a ‘float off’ of the more lucrative Dadbank franchise, and rumours that the Mum side might look for ‘temporary partnerships’ with newer, ‘more experimental’ institutions to ease the coming crisis and plan for future holdings.