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‘Meat must be prepared away from salad and impaled on a large rotating spike’, demand men

still waiting for Michelin starsPub-going men up and down the country have stated clearly today that meat is only acceptable to eat if it’s basted in thick orangey grease, impaled on a large rotating metal spike, and is of ‘questionable origin’.

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Many to use May Day bank holiday to ponder utter futility of existence

An increasing number of Britons are set to shun more traditional bank holiday pursuits this Monday in favour of contemplating the sheer pointlessness of their being, a study has revealed.

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Barista spontaneously turns American

"And can I write your name on this cardboard cup...?"A man working as a ‘barista’ at a branch of Starbucks in Huddersfield has become the first European to spontaneously turn into an American.

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Self-fellatio injury blamed on the Lynx Effect

overstretchedA 38-year-old Kent man is recovering in hospital today after dislocating his spine in an incident which he claims was caused by the ‘Lynx Effect’.

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Candy Crush addict admits selling body online for ‘extra lives’

will the torment never end?!A long-suffering London housewife has today spoken of her desperation at dealing with her husband’s severe Candy Crush addiction, claiming that her home life has now become ‘unbearable’.

Patricia Willcox, a 46-year-old from Tooting, said she first noticed the extent of Brian’s issues with the popular ‘match-three’ game, when she discovered the 51-year-old ‘entertaining strangers’ via webcam, in return for extra ‘lives’ on Christmas Eve. ‘It got to the point where I couldn’t bear to be with him any more.’ said exasperated Patricia. ‘When your loving husband of twelve-years snubs your home cooked food in favour of a bag of Skittles, you know something’s wrong.’

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