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New for Christmas 2013: Sky+ remote now lets you pause and rewind live arguments

rewind, pause, go over it again, and again and againHurried onto the market for the important Christmas period, Sky TV have announced a new upgrade of their Sky+ remote control.

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‘And that’s why I don’t bother voting anymore’ explains John from Accounts

Office workers in Reading learned of co-worker John Hunter’s reasons for not exercising his democratic right to vote anymore yesterday, during an extensive lecture during their lunch break.

The twenty-seven minute diatribe about ‘The good old days’ with frequent references to how ‘People had respect for each other’ included repeated claims that ‘You didn’t lock your front doors, because you didn’t need to’. At one point John seemingly lost his focus and digressed into details about how ‘I remember when this was all fields’ before returning to the subject in hand and explaining ‘There was none of this Health and Safety nonsense either’.

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Petrol stations stock up ahead of ‘last minute dad shopping’

she's simply going to love itPetrol stations up and down the country are preparing to cash in on the lucrative market of ‘last minute dad shopping’, by stocking-up on Cadbury’s Selection Boxes, Peppa Pig merchandise and those really expensive chocolate Santa Claus figurines.

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As Christmas looms, man dreads relatives asking ‘What exactly do you do?’

Metaphors, anecdotes and comparisons with occupations from a bygone age are all hopeless when explaining ‘what exactly is it you do’, according to a new report.

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‘Squashed Satsuma and Some Walnuts’ is this year’s top Christmas must-have

extra nut to be included in next year's upgradeEager shoppers are setting up camp outside greengrocers along the length and breadth of the country today in order to be first in the queue for the release of this year’s must-have Christmas gift: a squashed satsuma and some walnuts.

‘2013 is the year of nostalgia,’ believes Julia Franklin of Frankiln’s Festive Supplies. ‘Nothing beats the magic, after tossing aside the rest of your presents, of reaching down to the bottom of your stocking, pillow case or, increasingly these days, bin liner, to find the remnants of a small citrus fruit smeared over a walnut. It knocks your Playstation 4 into a cocked hat – cocked paper hats being another top seller this year.’

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