Cameron and Clegg selected as British synchronised swimming team
‘They have that innate affinity that marks out all the great synchronised swimming teams. When David suddenly lurches to the right, Nick instinctively follows – they are inseparable.’
SportBiscuit
Professional footballers eagerly await release of Office Manager 2012
‘After the drudgery of training, playing, dating beautiful women and being pursued by the paparazzi, it’s great to escape into the world of purchase orders, staff rotas and VAT returns,’ said Theo Walcott. ‘It’s what every young boy dreams of.’
Startling rise in sobriety forces tabloids to strip Paul Gascoigne of AA status
After three consecutive quarters of disappointing sobriety, Paul Gascoigne is to lose his AA status, says credit worthiness news agency Standards & Phwoarr!
Man who shook hands with Sepp Blatter apologises ‘for causing offence’
A man who yesterday shook hands with embattled FIFA president Sepp Blatter has sought to downplay the significance of his actions and apologise for any offence he may have caused.
Torch route ‘to share tedium of London Olympics with rest of country’
Lord Coe has announced the official route of the Olympic torch, which will bring the boring spectacle of a burning stick to many parts of the UK. Much of the route passes through towns so far from London that the event won’t cause a whiff of interest, but even the Home Counties are expected to be underwhelmed by the sight of a man carrying a big match while being followed by a van with its hazard lights on.
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