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FIFA rules Luis Suárez must be fed before matches

'om nom nom', as they say in UruguayAfter reviewing footage of Tuesday’s incident in which Luis Suárez appeared to help himself to a chunk of Italy defender Giorgio Chiellini, Fifa has instructed the Uruguay striker’s handlers to ensure that he is ‘fed prior to all future matches’.

‘Ninety minutes is a long time to go without a snack, so it’s understandable that Luis began to feel a little peckish’, said FIFA’s head chef, Sepp Blatter. ‘Yet no matter how tasty an Italy defender may appear to a famished striker, we really must insist that he lunches before, rather than during, competitive fixtures.’

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Wimbledon introduce ‘Vanishing Foam’ to keep crowds a safe distance from Sir Cliff Richard

Inspired by the World Cup in Brazil, officials at Wimbledon have announced that they will now be able to keep tennis fans heading to SW19 this week a ‘safe distance’ from entertainer and Centre Court regular Sir Cliff Richard, using ‘vanishing foam’.

The magic foam, currently in use by referees at this year’s World Cup, acts as a temporary visual marker to keep a defending wall a fair distance from a free-kick taker. Bosses at Wimbledon have said the spray is the ‘perfect solution’ to their problems of keeping Cliff Richard away from unsuspecting crowds.

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Jihadists ‘not as focused on the World Cup as they should be’

all to play for in the following roundsSet against the backdrop of Kenyan massacres and Iraqi insurgency, FIFA is concerned that Islamist militants may not be giving Brazil 2014 their full attention. Despite wall-to-wall TV coverage, there is a growing suspicion that some of the world’s population are choosing not to embrace footballing worship and are instead favouring revolution, seventy two virgins and a ‘nice game of croquet’.

Although the World Cup cost well in excess of $14 billion, Sunni militants seem more obsessed with Baghdad than the melodious prose of Phil Neville. New technologies such as vanishing foam, goal-line sensors and improved corruption have failed to distract Jihadists from their ultimate goal of ‘keeping Wayne Rooney off the front page’. Even a prize money totalling $576m and the lure of the percussive caxirola, does not seem to have dented the extremists’ love of all shoot outs, except penalties.

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Iraq knocked out; ISIS to face Kurds in second round

still all to play for in the knock-out stageThe Iraqi World Cup finally has finally come to life with an explosive opening ceremony and exciting first round clash between the host nation and rivals ISIS.

The tournament is taking place in a number of arenas across the former Persian state, as teams from across the Arab world battle it out for the region’s ultimate trophy. After a dazzling opening ceremony featuring gunfire, parades of military hardware and a show of phosphorous lighting up the night sky, the teams marched in waving flags and singing patriotic songs before the world’s news media.

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England squad tipped for great rendition of God Save the Queen

might make tactical substitution at half time and hum The Great Escape insteadEngland manager and singing coach Roy Hodgson has told a press conference that his side ‘can’t wait’ to get out onto the pitch and ‘sing their little hearts out’ before their opening World Cup match on Saturday.

‘We’re very excited about this young group’ he said. ‘We’ve got some great talent coming through. We sang well in all of our qualifying matches, and there’s no-one in the tournament we fear will outsing us in a head-to-head national anthem, especially the ones with no words.’

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