After reviewing footage of Tuesday’s incident in which Luis Suárez appeared to help himself to a chunk of Italy defender Giorgio Chiellini, Fifa has instructed the Uruguay striker’s handlers to ensure that he is ‘fed prior to all future matches’.
‘Ninety minutes is a long time to go without a snack, so it’s understandable that Luis began to feel a little peckish’, said FIFA’s head chef, Sepp Blatter. ‘Yet no matter how tasty an Italy defender may appear to a famished striker, we really must insist that he lunches before, rather than during, competitive fixtures.’
Inspired by the World Cup in Brazil, officials at Wimbledon have announced that they will now be able to keep tennis fans heading to SW19 this week a ‘safe distance’ from entertainer and Centre Court regular Sir Cliff Richard, using ‘vanishing foam’.
The magic foam, currently in use by referees at this year’s World Cup, acts as a temporary visual marker to keep a defending wall a fair distance from a free-kick taker. Bosses at Wimbledon have said the spray is the ‘perfect solution’ to their problems of keeping Cliff Richard away from unsuspecting crowds.
Set against the backdrop of Kenyan massacres and Iraqi insurgency, FIFA is concerned that Islamist militants may not be giving Brazil 2014 their full attention. Despite wall-to-wall TV coverage, there is a growing suspicion that some of the world’s population are choosing not to embrace footballing worship and are instead favouring revolution, seventy two virgins and a ‘nice game of croquet’.
Although the World Cup cost well in excess of $14 billion, Sunni militants seem more obsessed with Baghdad than the melodious prose of Phil Neville. New technologies such as vanishing foam, goal-line sensors and improved corruption have failed to distract Jihadists from their ultimate goal of ‘keeping Wayne Rooney off the front page’. Even a prize money totalling $576m and the lure of the percussive caxirola, does not seem to have dented the extremists’ love of all shoot outs, except penalties.