NewsBiscuit

There was a day of frenzied activity in the Barclays Premiership yesterday as footballers rushed to beat the 6.00pm cut off for transferring girlfriends, wives and mistresses. Tottenham central defender Karl Nyarko has snapped up much-sought-after glamour model Haylee Ashby from Sunderland striker Phil Letch for an undisclosed fee; Lapdancer Debbie Francis has moved from Portsmouth defender Chris Bevan to Aston Villa midfielder Kelvin Legg for £250,000 from a tabloid newspaper. Highly rated hairdresser Laura Blakely has joined Arsenal’s Croatian midfielder Ivano Vokker on a six month loan after previous trials with players from Everton, Fulham and Scunthorpe.

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New research by a German historian suggests the legendary football game between allies and German soldiers in 1914, was marred by poor refereeing decisions. Dieter Schmidt from the University of Berlin, has uncovered previously undiscovered accounts from soldiers who were there, that indicate some of the line calls were dubious at best.

‘There is the famous incident of the controversial goal by the Germans that is well documented in these new letters. They show that despite the French referee having a good position to spot any offence, his linesman missed half of the advancing German army being clearly offside.’

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Football supporters of Britain’s top clubs will be forced to take desperate measures this weekend, following an announcement that the rights to their traditional chants have been sold to a large multinational corporation.

In a multi-million pound deal, the estate of Arthur Thackwell; the author of such classics as ‘She Fell Over’, ‘The Referee’s a Wanker’ and ‘You’re Shit and You Know You Are’; sold the rights to his material to Harrison Multimedia, a company renowned for aggressively prosecuting unsanctioned performances of its ‘assets’.

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West Midlands psychiatrist Dr James Murray is poised for the most challenging – and biggest – caseload in his career. For he has taken on as patients all 673 people who watched Worcester City’s FA Cup Second Qualifying Round match on Saturday againt Havant & Waterlooville.

‘It’s an unusually large group, for sure,’ Murray told reporters, ‘but group therapy appears to be appropriate because of the strikingly similar symptoms in each case.’ All of the patients vociferously declaimed during the game that they were on the march with Stevie’s army, that they were all going to Wembley and that they would really shake an ‘them’ up when they win the FA Cup because Worcester are the greatest football team.

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Dick Dastardly, owner and lead driver of Mean Machine Racing, has announced that he will appeal to the motor racing authorities against his recent ejection from the sport.

At a meeting of the Formula One association the FIA earlier this month, Mean Machine Racing was banned for three years for persistent infringements of racing rules. It was alleged that over the course of the previous 17 races, he had, tied other contestants’ cars to lamp-posts by chains to gain an unfair advantage, kept a talking dog in his car, in clear contravention of racing rules, put bombs on the course to explode under other cars, though miraculously without causing serious injuries to the drivers and repeatedly tampered with road signs, causing other cars to drive straight over cliffs, hang in the air in an amusing fashion and crash to earth.

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