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Kim Sears’ Scottishness training coming along ‘very f**king nicely’

F*+&$@#^ W'&*%£$"*&^>*Kim Sears attempts to become more Scottish ahead of her marriage to Andy Murray appear to be well on track. Following her expletive-laden attack on Thomas Berdych in the Australian Open semi-final Murray told press that Kim is taking in lessons in swearing and invective in order to make their wedding day a truly authentic Scottish occasion.

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Sporting excellence linked to quality of bedtime stories

Voldemort spurs them onHaving discovered that sleeping patterns impact on performance levels, researchers at the University of Birmingham have now revealed that top athletes perform best when their passage from wakefulness to sleep includes chapters read from Harry Potter, with all the voices ‘done by a grown up’.

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Gordon Taylor launches footballers’ campaign ‘Je Suis Ched’

wor's got to stick together lads!In an unprecedented display of unity, footballers from all across the UK have come together in London to demonstrate their revulsion against the terror attacks by opponents of rape on former Sheffield United footballer Ched Evans. Crowds several thousand strong drove their Bentleys slowly around London in protest last night, while dozens more sympathisers changed their Facebook profile photo to declare ‘Je suis Ched’.

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Premier League football mascot to come out

can't yet bring himself to tell his parents he's a mascotA top professional football mascot has announced that he will be coming out before a Premier League game. The mascot will reveal himself this Saturday but details about which club he represents are being kept secret until just before kick-off.

In a statement to the Daily Mail the mascot, who has the stage name of Mr Sprinkle said, “I’m coming out about my homosexuality because I want to move the discussion about homosexuality among professional football mascots forward.”

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Ched Evans accepts he’s universally hated and applies to be a referee

Chederee!After failing to be recruited as a footballer at several Clubs following his release from prison for rape, former Sheffield United striker Ched Evans has announced that he’s to become a referee.

It is understood that the widespread abuse he relentlessly receives as a result of his poor decisions has already gone some way towards preparing him for the new role.

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