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Putin approves gay-snow-balling and pillow-fighting-on-ice at Sochi

heartfelt appeal to all Olympic Village peopleIn what is seen as a callous attempt to gain world approval for the Winter Olympic Games in Sochi following criticism of its anti-gay legislation, Russia has put forward gay-snow-balling and pillow-fighting-on-ice as new Winter Olympic disciplines.

The Russian leader, Vladimir Putin personally approved the new disciplines at the International Defence Exhibition in Yalta. Sitting bare chested and astride the nozzle of an OT-3 flame throwing tank he said, ‘Russia is not a homo-phobic country. Just look at the Gulags where many gay people enjoy snow-balling and frolicking around in temperatures of -40C. Gay snow balling will be a big attraction in Sochi too, however the use of ear muffs and mittens is out of the question.’

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Army called in to take charge after all Premier League managers sacked

should be all over by ChristmasThe government’s emergency committee, Cobra, was hastily convened and concluded that the only viable option to get the league back on track and reassure the general punters was to bring in the troops.

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Coverage of England’s World Cup humiliation to be made exclusive to Sky

punters demanding no hope of ever seeing gamesHaving been saved from much of England’s pitiful performance in the Ashes Tests due to Sky having the exclusive rights, millions of armchair sports fans are calling for similar arrangements for the 2014 World Cup finals in Brazil.

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Uruguay’s new drug laws give England outside chance in World Cup

dope is the only hopeEngland football manager Roy Hodgson has welcomed Uruguay’s decision to allow the cultivation, possession and personal use of marijuana as a potential boost to England’s seemingly forlorn hope of qualifying from a tough group in the World Cup and going on to lose on penalties to Portugal in the knock-out stages.

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Racism to distance itself from football

'They all look exactly the same'A spokesman for racism told of mounting shame and anguish amongst the racist community as the uninitiated continually assume all racist people are somehow involved in professional football.

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