Tennis star Andy Murray has issued a statement of apology to the British public for any offence he may have caused by saying something that was not a confused jumble of sports-related clichés in a miserable-sounding voice.
In a bold statement of intent, the Labour Leader Ed Miliband has set out a ten-year plan to reverse the damage done by successive managers at Old Trafford. Whilst many of his critics suggested that a decent centre half and holding midfielder would be sufficient, a Labour spokesman insisted it would take a long-term economic plan to improve results, clone Ryan Giggs and change the word ‘United’ to ‘City’ on the stationery.
After the landmark ruling by Judge Thokozile Masipa that the killing of Reeva Steenkamp cannot be declared ‘murder’, the International Olympic Committee is considering proposals to introduce new sports to the next Games. High on the list are ‘hitting a barn door with a banjo’, and ‘shooting fish in a barrel’.
The latter proposal has attracted lucrative sponsorship deals from the NRA, with outline competition criteria already in place. A single dead fish among 500 packed into a 3-foot diameter barrel has been set as the ‘entry-level’ qualification for athletes. Competitors will be allowed at least 4 shots per round, and should be standing really close to the barrel, which must be locked to prevent the fish escaping.
In a move designed to avoid discontent among fans and shareholders, Manchester United officials have taken the unprecedented decision to ban tablets, laptops and anything else that might bring about access to the league table from within the hallowed portals Old Trafford.