UK-Biscuit
Two elderly ‘neighbours from hell’, Malcolm and Maureen Rowbotham, have today been issued with the country’s first Overly Social Behaviour Order (OSBO) by Kingston Magistrate’s Court. This effectively bans the couple, 72 and 68, from acknowledging the existence of their neighbours in the Norbiton area.
The results of a new Government-commissioned inquiry have revealed that women benefit cheats are still earning less than their male counterparts. Despite a dramatic rise in the numbers of people claiming benefits in 2009, the figures show that the average female malingerer is still getting only 89p for every pound a male fraudster hoodwinks off the state.
The report recommends that more be done to create ‘Dole Models’ for young women to aspire to, and for a network of ‘drop-out’ centres to be established, where girl grifters can learn how to forge a dead relative’s signature or pull off a convincing limp.
Convicted fraudster Michelle is one of those helping to inspire the next generation of ‘ladybouts’. Michelle was nicknamed Miss X by fraud officers until they realised that she was using that name to sign on as well.
Millions of Brits are planning to spend their holidays at UK airports this summer, say travel agents. ‘People are already booking to spend their holidays at Heathrow and other major UK airports,’ said Tracey Jones of Heathrow Holidays Ltd. ‘People are being realistic and know a UK holiday is best and the airport is as far as you are going to go anyway.’
Frustrated sighs could be heard from toilet cubicles the length and breadth of Britain yesterday as a much-anticipated lesbian sex romp in the popular tabloid agony column, Deidre’s Photo Casebook, culminated in nothing more than a supportive hug and a resolution to ‘work things out.’ The Sun’s most recent sex advice column told the story of ‘Tanya’ whose marriage had run into difficulties and needed to pour her heart out to her best friend Debbie, who in addition to being a predatory bi-sexual, was also a good listener.’
But the real-life ‘Debbie’ on whom the story is based confessed that, although she called round with the intention of seducing her vulnerable friend, when she pondered the moral implications of what might follow, she pulled back from the brink.
Freed hostage Peter Moore has been effectively snowed in at his Lincoln home since his return to Britain from Iraq, where he was captured by a militia in 2007. Mr Moore is said to be in good spirits despite being virtually a ‘prisoner in his own home’. The IT consultant is remaining upbeat and has praised the Foreign Office for making sure he has plenty of milk and bread in the freezer. It is hoped it will finally be safe to venture out later this week as temperature’s rise.
‘Obviously being held by armed militia in Iraq was a traumatic and terrifying experience,’ says Mr Moore, ‘but in hindsight, at least we had the weather.’
