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Boris Johnson launches new ‘Bicycle-Water-Cannons-For-Hire’ scheme

feel the powerBoris Johnson has today announced plans to launch the all new ‘Bicycle-Water-Cannons-For-Hire’ scheme in London, believed to be the first of its kind in Europe. ‘These new Boris Cannons are a tremendous wheeze,’ said the London Mayor today. ‘I have already spent the day riding around on one, hosing down the hoi polloi and washing away beggars from shop doorways. It’s tremendous fun.’

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Psychics call for clearer messages from the other side

can they all please stop mumbling as wellThe British Society of Mediums and Psychics has launched a campaign to persuade people on the other side to stop pissing about and say what they mean.

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BBC warns flash photography can also occur ‘in real life’

Viewers may find some of the warnings distressingThe BBC has cautioned its audience that while it can warn people about news reports featuring flash photography, the Corporation is “powerless” to protect people from flash photography that occurs “off air” and away from television cameras in the course of everyday life.

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Bank of England to open branch on every high street

Mark Carney to personally shake hands with every new customerA budget which promised help for savers, free access to pension funds to lend to the government through new bonds, and tax-free savings up to £15,000 in an ISA failed to explain the whole picture, analysts have revealed.

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Overcrowding on London Midland train creates dark matter from passengers

Overcrowding on a London Midland service to Crewe from London Euston earlier today reached a critical point when the densely packed passengers fused together to create dark matter and the beginnings of a black hole.

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