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UK-Biscuit

Psychics call for clearer messages from the other side

can they all please stop mumbling as wellThe British Society of Mediums and Psychics has launched a campaign to persuade people on the other side to stop pissing about and say what they mean.

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BBC warns flash photography can also occur ‘in real life’

Viewers may find some of the warnings distressingThe BBC has cautioned its audience that while it can warn people about news reports featuring flash photography, the Corporation is “powerless” to protect people from flash photography that occurs “off air” and away from television cameras in the course of everyday life.

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Bank of England to open branch on every high street

Mark Carney to personally shake hands with every new customerA budget which promised help for savers, free access to pension funds to lend to the government through new bonds, and tax-free savings up to £15,000 in an ISA failed to explain the whole picture, analysts have revealed.

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Overcrowding on London Midland train creates dark matter from passengers

Overcrowding on a London Midland service to Crewe from London Euston earlier today reached a critical point when the densely packed passengers fused together to create dark matter and the beginnings of a black hole.

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MOD planning ‘massive exercise’ north of Hadrian’s Wall

Och aye, the newsThe Ministry of Defence is said to be drawing up plans to ‘stabilise’ Scotland in time for this year’s historic referendum. Leaked official documents have outlined a novel plan to send ‘lots of armed goodwill’ over the border, initially into friendly territory.

A squadron of the RAF regiment, two platoons of territorials, three linguists and a dog-handler from Essex are currently en-route to Carlisle in a fleet of minibuses. Meanwhile, members of the Royal Irish Regiment are said to be catching the evening Stranraer ferry, thus enacting an elegant ‘pincer movement’.

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