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Listening out for dark, incidental music could prevent crime and save lives, say Police

Run away... run away...A high level police enquiry has noted that most crimes these days seem to be committed whenever a haunting musical accompaniment is playing in the background, leading them to warn the public to be vigilant whenever they hear long, low bass notes or the sound of multiple staccato string instruments in their daily lives.

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Cuts causing soldiers to die without haunting soundtrack

where's the pathos?Military chiefs are warning that a reduction in the army’s budget means that more British soldiers are now dying in foreign conflicts without the benefit of slow motion and haunting ethnic music playing over the scene.

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Scotland votes to stay with David Cameron after all

Och, he's nae so bad...Voters in Scotland have confounded pollsters and observers by delivering a resounding vote in favour of staying with David Cameron after all, referendum results have shown.

After months of vigorous campaigning during which a vote for independence had been seen as increasingly likely, the homely appeal and rugged good looks of the prime minister appear to have been the deciding factor in persuading 62% of Scots to vote to retain the Union.

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Ill-informed Cumbrians readying for Scottish invasion

fears that reserves of Kendal Mint cake could fall into enemy handsAn eery silence has descended on Cumbria. The people are edgy, suspicious. Violence erupts in odd little bursts – a chip-shop owner advertising ‘deep fried anything’ is publicly flogged as a sympathiser; a man is stoned for telling a Billy Connolly joke.

Thousands are fleeing to the safety of Carlisle’s walls. Others are on the hilltops, eyes scouring the horizon, preparing to light the beacons at the first sign of ‘Men in Skirts’.

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Edinburgh hookers say prices may have to rise in event of Yes vote

Edinburgh nightsIn what is seen as a further blow to the campaign for Scottish independence hundreds of Edinburgh prostitutes have signed a letter sent to the Scotsman newspaper claiming that they may have to raise their prices in the event of a Yes vote in next Thursday’s referendum.

The letter states, ‘Due to the potential increase in the cost of living in an independent Scotland and the associated economic constraints it is inevitable that the cost of sexual services such as hand-jobs, blow-jobs and other non-specific kinky stuff that you would never get your wife to do will have to increase if workers in the sex industry are to maintain a reasonable standard of living’.

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