After a year of painful negotiations, a group of teachers has today finally agreed how to allocate the bill from their 2013 Christmas lunch, just in time to book into the same restaurant for their 2014 event. ‘I know it sounds like a small sum to those in the private sector,’ said one member of the group, ‘but there was an important principle at stake: I didn’t have a starter and Eric had two glasses of wine. And I won’t even mention a certain person who isn’t even a teacher, she’s just a supply, yet she had a Black Forest gateau that wasn’t even on the set menu. She clearly doesn’t do things by half. Except with her job.’
‘It’s probable that some areas are going to experience double digit temperatures over Christmas,’ conceded a Met Office official today. ‘We think it could be due to a warm southerly front or the new supercomputer overheating, but there is a real risk of a warm Christmas, with grey skies and light drizzle. You know, like the last 45 Christmases everywhere outside the Scottish Highlands, only a bit warmer still.’
Young mothers across Southern England breathed a collective sigh of relief after Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt announced that so-called ‘Here comes the big aeroplane’ spoon-feeding techniques could safely resume.
There was fury on the Northern Line this morning as it became apparent that TfL had put pressure on the CIA to redact all reference to their continued use of EIT: Enhanced and Intolerable Transportation.
The government has announced a radical up-grade to Britain’s dilapidated ley-line network with major closures on all lines and charges being brought in on certain routes when the network re-opens. ‘For years Britain’s natural mystic energy has been having to cope on an out-dated system’ said David Cameron dressed in a rainbow baggy jumper wearing a large purple feather as an earring. ‘It might have been adequate for the Bronze Age when it was first laid out, but is entirely unsuitable to 21st Century new age Britain.’