The news written by you…


Neolithic Chilcot Report discovered

Nearly 100,000 pages of monolithic prose have been found buried near Stonehenge, making it the largest monument to landfill in Britain. This mysterious ruin was concealed under several hundred tonnes of earth, invoices for Iraqi guns and gag orders from solicitors representing Messrs T. Blair & A. Campbell.

The 4,500-year-old manuscript, was discovered using ground-penetrating radar and from the overwhelming reek of ‘bullsh@t’ emanating from it. Generations of hippies are expected to make pilgrimages to the area under the banner ‘Make love not war…unless you have a specific 45 minute warning’.

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Odds on a Queen’s replacement shorten

A week of celebrations for a glorious reign has been marred by a leaked news report that Her Majesty has not nominated a successor. Members of the Privy Council have suggested that a president be either appointed or elected, on the grounds that ‘there is no family member who appears suitable for the job’.

Having employed the Prince of Wales as a ‘monarch stand-in’ for the Order of the Bath service, it has become apparent that the country needs a Head of State that can re-enact Pete & Dud routines not just hackneyed Goons impressions…

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‘Manspread’ to replace butter

The online Oxford dictionary has added the act of ‘manspreading’ as a low-fat alternative to ‘moisturising your toast’.

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‘Dismaland’ does not start as soon as you leave the M5, insist tourist board

Officials from the Weston-Super-Mare tourist board have advised visitors heading to the town that Banksy’s dystopian nightmare bemusement park does not start ‘as soon as you leave Junction 21 on the M5 motorway’.

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Tories plan Krypton Factor death course for young unemployed

The government has denied that it is punishing the young with its ‘Punishing the Young’ unemployment strategy.

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