After 30 years of hard labour at a top investment bank, city worker, Alan Baxter, has finally admitted that he no longer needs to rush on the London Underground. This painful realisation has come at the cost of 3 divorces and child support payments to 4 daughters who like Prada but refuse to acknowledge his existence.
In a surprise U-turn, The Sun has renewed its commitment to publishing salacious images that may cause offence to decent people everywhere, including Tony Blair and George W. Bush in a series of compromising positions with Weapons of Mass Destruction. Editor David Dinsmore explained: ‘Figuratively speaking Blair and Bush were the biggest pair of tits we could find. And there are plenty more breast-related puns where that one came from, oh yes. Just keep counting.’
Hundreds of Page 3 girls were seen fleeing from The Sun offices today. It is thought some may have escaped from their captors while others were freed as The Mail Online closed in on its territory. The two groups have recently been engaged in a fierce battle, forcing The Sun to retreat to the moral high-ground.
One witness described the scene as ‘chaos’ as the girls, many of them emaciated, half-clothed and barely out of childhood, ran from the paper’s headquarters in Fleet Street and were bundled into nearby taxis. Nothing is known of the fate of a smaller number of Page 7 fellas previously abducted from various stripping dance troupes, who remain missing.
After a year of painful negotiations, a group of teachers has today finally agreed how to allocate the bill from their 2013 Christmas lunch, just in time to book into the same restaurant for their 2014 event. ‘I know it sounds like a small sum to those in the private sector,’ said one member of the group, ‘but there was an important principle at stake: I didn’t have a starter and Eric had two glasses of wine. And I won’t even mention a certain person who isn’t even a teacher, she’s just a supply, yet she had a Black Forest gateau that wasn’t even on the set menu. She clearly doesn’t do things by half. Except with her job.’