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UK-Biscuit

Mystery surrounds repeated absences of ‘useless fat pillock’ salesman

‘HR have established that he is 43% more likely to be away one week either side of the full moon than the new moon and this must be statistically significant,’ said Clark, author of the forthcoming ‘Secrets of the Wolf People’. ‘Whether he is in a sinister cult that pretend to be wolves to worship the Greek moon goddess Artemis at night or his migraines are caused by the fluctuating tides I have yet to establish.’

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Criminals asked to push themselves down the stairs by ‘over-worked’ police

Goodbye, Goodbye, GoodbyeAn inspection of police forces in England and Wales has reported that crime suspects are being asked to racially abuse themselves, plant their own incriminating evidence, and if the police are really busy, push themselves down the stairs on the way to the holding cells.

Offenders everywhere are protesting at further degradation to an already limited service. ‘Really, service is parlous,’ complained career criminal, Cecil ‘Nutter’ Smythe, from Gosport. ‘It is almost as if the police aren’t there. How are we supposed to rest easy knowing that some activities such as car crime are being effectively decriminalised?’

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Secret Service boss sacked for spending too much time looking out of window

Is it a sacking, or a double-bluff, counter bluff, triple bluff? Nope. He's actually gone.A senior manager at MI6 has been sacked for spending the majority of his working day standing looking out of the window in a wistful manner.

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UK starts advertising for Scotland’s replacement

Your place or mine? Actually, mine.In the aftermath of Alex Salmond shouting Alistair Darling into submission, the remaining parts of the British Isles have resigned themselves to the fact that its time ‘to move on’ and start seeing other countries.

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Cost of a three-bedroom house in London ‘causing extremist Jihadi mobilisation’

something for everyone, with no desert at allNew research by the Home Office suggests that Islamic State militants’ attempts to found a Caliphate in northern Iraq is being backed up by hundreds of British volunteers unable to get a foothold in Britain’s spiralling housing or rental market.

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