British population to be dyed purple in fight against racism
‘It will be impossible to be a racist if everyone is the same colour purple. Our public information campaign will be fronted by John Terry, Luis Suarez and Diane Abbott.’
UK-Biscuit
British Heart Foundation campaigns to make life saving look ‘less gay’
‘It’s a terrible shame, but dozens of men die needlessly each year because other men won’t perform CPR out of fear they may look like they are enjoying it.’
Unseasonably warm weather blamed for man’s outbreak of ‘face apples’
A man amazed to find a full crop of apples growing on his face at this time of year has put the blame squarely on ‘an unseasonably warm December’.
Creationist urges police to charge him despite ‘complete lack of evidence’
A creationist has confused the whole of the judicial system by insisting the Crown Prosecution Service charge him with ‘threatening behaviour’ despite a complete lack of evidence.
Miss Marple stymied after alleged murderer refuses to admit responsibility
The noted amateur detective was left somewhat embarrassed and confused after a murder suspect confronted with significant evidence of his guilt refused to accept responsibility, instead blaming it ‘on someone else’.
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