UK-Biscuit
Young mothers across Southern England breathed a collective sigh of relief after Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt announced that so-called ‘Here comes the big aeroplane’ spoon-feeding techniques could safely resume.
There was fury on the Northern Line this morning as it became apparent that TfL had put pressure on the CIA to redact all reference to their continued use of EIT: Enhanced and Intolerable Transportation.
The government has announced a radical up-grade to Britain’s dilapidated ley-line network with major closures on all lines and charges being brought in on certain routes when the network re-opens. ‘For years Britain’s natural mystic energy has been having to cope on an out-dated system’ said David Cameron dressed in a rainbow baggy jumper wearing a large purple feather as an earring. ‘It might have been adequate for the Bronze Age when it was first laid out, but is entirely unsuitable to 21st Century new age Britain.’
The barriers have come down on the much hyped Mike and Bernie Winters Wonderland following a rash of complaints from disgruntled visitors.
Angry customers harangued the park’s beleaguered management to complain about poor quality jokes, lacklustre song and dance routines and groups of St Bernard’s standing around swearing loudly and smoking behind their kennels.
Thousands of revellers have turned out in Birmingham city centre to celebrate the switching on of the Christmas lights by anarcho-syndicalist activist Noam Chomsky.
Chomsky, who wooed crowds at a similar event in London earlier this month, delivered a speech on revolutionary industrial unionism to rapturous acclaim before flicking the switch to herald the start of the city’s festive celebrations.
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