According to sources close to your wife, which during the last five seconds have have been positively identified with her mother, Lurpak is on sale at 40% off in Asda this week. The news emerged in a phone call that woke you 40 seconds ago from a dream about Little Mix playing netball in blue pleated skirts at two minutes past six, for f*ck’s sake.
Police looking into the hole in the wall at Hatton Garden after a vault heist confirmed that their response is entirely in line with current policy to downgrade minor crimes such as domestic burglary.
After a tip-off from an anonymous individual travelling to St Ives, the police have arrested James Green, 38, from Wolverhampton, for bigamy. In what is believed to be a severe case of benefit fraud, Green was allegedly found to be legally married to seven different women, all of whom appeared to accept the situation as they were travelling with him in one group.