Sir John Chilcot, who has come under intense pressure recently to publish the results of his enquiry into the Iraq war, today claimed that choosing a nice design for the cover was the reason for the delay.
Defence Secretary Philip Hammond has today revealed plans to reform the Home Guard, originally set up during the Second World War as a last line of defence against a Nazi invasion, to prevent swarms of asylum seekers from invading the home counties.
The Ministry of Defence has been forced to release a blanket denial that Calais’ entrance to the UK is the portal to a fantasy kingdom of bounteous social benefits and friendly characters from classic British fiction. Sadly, immigrants have been flooding into the area under this mistaken belief that they will get to meet Aslan, hobbits and the cast of ‘Glee’.
Nightly, hundreds of desperate stowaways risk their lives to get a peek of the animals of Farthing Wood who they believe are waiting at the other end. One migrant admitted: ‘The UK is the land of milk and honey – resting on the backs of four huge elephants and one enormous space turtle. And where else can you claim child benefit for dependents living outside the UK, while at the same time sending you other kids to Hogwarts?’