UK-Biscuit
A man is receiving counselling after discovering his marriage was an elaborately orchestrated sham set up by the council so his ‘wife’ could log his minor parking misdemeanours.
‘We had two lovely kids, everything was great. Then, just after our third anniversary, she issued me with 148 parking tickets and £26,000 of fines!’
‘They were 294 of us on the train and they herded us into an ageing 38-seater coach. But then an announcement came over the tannoy telling us that due to a lack of drivers, we’d have to continue our journey by tramp.’
A Birmingham man is being detained by anti-terror police after a raid on his home uncovered a ‘horrifying’ array of weapons, which included steak knives, a hammer, and an 8-inch serrated blade which the man claimed was ‘for cutting bread’.
Kent Police were this afternoon formally congratulated on the outstanding success of Operation Ploughmans. Speaking from outside Downing St, Prime Minister David Cameron praised the two month operation as ‘a significant contribution’ to Britain’s home economic security.
From their operations base at Dover, police officers intercepted several tankers of Spanish olive oil, along with sizable quantities of Macedonian pine nuts. Maps in the trucks confirmed police suspicions that the raw materials were destined for industrial warehouses in the so-called ‘Kitchen Garden’ of Surrey. Here they would be mixed with locally grown basil and parmesan cheese which was to be flown over from Italy this weekend.
‘If we’d known that soldiers weren’t being provided with the correct style of ergonomic chair or that the temperature in the workplace was so high, we’d have shut the place down in a jiffy.’
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