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Bank of England’s Governor feeds interest rate dissenters to piranhas

They really had become rather tiresomeTwo members of the Bank of England’s Monetary Policy Committee who favoured an interest rate rise have been eaten alive by a school of piranhas on the whim of Bank of England Governor Mark Carney, while shocked members of the committee looked on.

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Grammar Nazis apprehended in Fourth Reich plot

ve haf vays off making you talk properA national calamity was narrowly averted today when police arrested a secret group of Grammar Nazis in an underground classroom.

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Bear Grylls to sue George Foreman for ‘Grill’ copyright infringement

Specifically he hopes to stamp out illicit meat broiling, parallel bars and ‘the kind of cross-examination that only occurs in US cop shows’.

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Veteran dog walker finally finds corpse in woods

After years of waking up early to take his dog for a walk through the woods, retiree Mike Edwards has finally found a corpse. The grim discovery, which he suspects will be the first of many, was made early yesterday morning when he noticed a hand sticking out from beneath some leaves.

‘I’ve been walking my dog through the woods every morning since I retired fifteen years ago’, said the 67-year-old. ‘Everybody knows that all dog walkers eventually find something like this, but I’ve not once found a mangled body or a skeleton. I’ve never even come across a discarded running shoe with the foot still inside. That all changed today; it’s terribly exciting’.

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Twenty-minute Facebook outage leaves millions of dinners unphotographed

A global panic was triggered on Friday evening after a twenty-minute Facebook outage left millions of users unable to upload sepia-toned pictures of what they were having for tea. The downtime, which is the second the network has experienced in as many months, also left many unable to tag themselves in the airport, share even more photos of their dogs, or tell people that they’re waiting for a BT engineer to arrive.

42-year-old Sandra Hough from Birmingham, who religiously shares a photo of a bottle of Summer Fruits Kopparberg with the telly in the background on a Friday, was also left frustrated. ‘This is the one time of the week I get a few hours to relax and take several photos of my drink, but it’s totally meaningless if I’m unable to show the whole f***ing world. I haven’t spoken to these people for decades, but it’s imperative that they know when I’m trying to relax with an artificially flavoured cider’.

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