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Metropolitan Police admit to ‘investigating crime’

Met to get back to good old-fashioned snooping, discreditingAt a press conference, Police Commissioner Sir Bernard Hogan-O’Hooligan confirmed mounting speculation that police were increasingly targeting known and suspected criminals, but was eager to put the practice into context. ‘I am in no way condoning what has happened, but it is worth pointing out that this was just a few bad apples acting alone and without authorisation. It is now firmly in the past, and moving forward I will ensure every officer upholds the highest standards of the Metropolitan Police by focusing their investigative resources solely on spying on and discrediting those people who seek to establish the truth about cases in which the Met is involved.’

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World Cup style TV screens to stream C.C.T.V. in British town centres

Smile!The government has announced plans to install enormous televisions in the streets of Britain’s town centres, streaming live footage from C.C.T.V. cameras.

‘The appeal of seeing one’s face on a huge television is so great that we anticipate a sharp decrease in anti-social behaviour,’ insisted David Cameron.

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Palace recalls faulty batch of knighthoods

'What was one thinking?!'Buckingham Palace has issued an Emergency Recall Notice on dozens of honours – including top-of-the-range knighthoods – over concerns that some were issued in error and may constitute a public health risk.

‘Our first priority is public safety’, said a spokesman. ‘This is purely a precautionary measure, and the vast majority of honours are perfectly harmless. For example, if you received an honour for doing something unglamorous and noble, the risks are infinitesimally small.’

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Gaviscon heartburn firemen call 24 hour strike

Britain is facing a heartburn epidemic after stomach-based firemen called a 24 hour stoppage. The pint-sized firefighters, employed by Gaviscon, walked out in sympathy with public sector firemen yesterday, leaving alimentary canals across Britain seriously undermanned.

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Tour de France latest: Yorkshire folk ‘adopting French ways’

Vive les rosbifs!The population of Yorkshire has really taken the Tour de France to heart and is beginning to adopt French mannerisms and tastes as a result, according to reports coming in from ‘God’s own County’.

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