NewsBiscuit

The news written by you…

UK-Biscuit

Persistent cold callers and chuggers face new ‘badgerer cull’

Cute, furry creatures 'don't stand a chance'Following last year’s unsuccessful culling campaign, the Government has today announced plans for a second attempt at reducing the ‘badgerer’ population. Up to 70% of badgerers who spend their days harassing the public on the street or on the phone in attempts to extract money from them are to be culled in 2014, in an operation designed to put an end to the unpopular practice.

Last year’s attempt at culling badgerers was considered by critics to be ‘ineffective’. The Government targets for the number of personal injury compensation badgerers to be dealt with in 2013 were not met, leading to the proliferation of a new generation of ‘PPI compensation badgerers’ this year. Environment Minister Liz Truss is keen to set new targets, although she insists the aims of the badgerer cull have not changed, saying: ‘The badgerers have not moved the goalposts.’

Read more >



Polish Jack the Ripper ‘probably had a free council house too’, claim UKIP

The mystery surrounding Britain’s most notorious serial killer ‘Jack the Ripper’ has finally been solved this week, after ‘conclusive DNA evidence’ revealed him to be Polish immigrant Aaron Kosminski, a hairdresser living in Whitechapel. The startling revelation has caught the attention of the world, including UKIP, who have already claimed that Kosminski was ‘probably a sponger’.

‘This just proves that, even nineteenth-century England would have been a safer place, had UKIP been around’, said party leader Nigel Farage today. ‘Looking at his handy work, I always guessed he was eastern European. He no doubt arrived illegally and was given a massive council house, or whatever the equivalent was back then’.

Read more >



Mystery surrounds repeated absences of ‘useless fat pillock’ salesman

‘HR have established that he is 43% more likely to be away one week either side of the full moon than the new moon and this must be statistically significant,’ said Clark, author of the forthcoming ‘Secrets of the Wolf People’. ‘Whether he is in a sinister cult that pretend to be wolves to worship the Greek moon goddess Artemis at night or his migraines are caused by the fluctuating tides I have yet to establish.’

Read more >



Criminals asked to push themselves down the stairs by ‘over-worked’ police

Goodbye, Goodbye, GoodbyeAn inspection of police forces in England and Wales has reported that crime suspects are being asked to racially abuse themselves, plant their own incriminating evidence, and if the police are really busy, push themselves down the stairs on the way to the holding cells.

Offenders everywhere are protesting at further degradation to an already limited service. ‘Really, service is parlous,’ complained career criminal, Cecil ‘Nutter’ Smythe, from Gosport. ‘It is almost as if the police aren’t there. How are we supposed to rest easy knowing that some activities such as car crime are being effectively decriminalised?’

Read more >



Secret Service boss sacked for spending too much time looking out of window

Is it a sacking, or a double-bluff, counter bluff, triple bluff? Nope. He's actually gone.A senior manager at MI6 has been sacked for spending the majority of his working day standing looking out of the window in a wistful manner.

Read more >