In his usual, measured, non-inflammatory manner, the ex-leader of the Scottish National Party Alex Salmond has insisted he will soon retake Stirling Castle and shove a red hot poker ‘up the arse’ of David Cameron to avenge both historical and current slights on a proud and powerful nation.
Thousands of office workers today had to make the choice between flushing their staplers down the toilet or facing the wrath of the police, as it was announced that the Government has made the possession of a stapler a criminal offence.
Speaking to the press earlier, Prime Minister David Cameron said ‘Staples are sharp, dangerous, and highly addictive. A staple-user is not only a menace to himself, but also to society. Before long a user will find himself sleeping in the gutter, cackling madly to the pigeons as he staples sodden Metros to leaflets about the salvation of Jehovah.’
Work and Pensions Secretary Ian Duncan Smith has ordered Kids Company boss Camila Batmanghelidjh to simplify her name or face instant liquidation of the charity that helps needy young people avoid contact with Conservatives. ‘Something like er, Margaret, or Theresa would be much more manageable and, as for the surname, well something a little bit English sounding would make our job of denouncing her as an evil thief that much more easy.’
Paul Willis of Chelmsford has taken the unusual step of opting out his financial responsibilities while at the same time demanding that his neighbours continue to send him food parcels and mow his lawn. Inspired by the Greek people, the 66-year-old hairdresser took a detailed poll of all those living at his address, including the cat, and received a unanimous mandate to stop paying his mortgage, tipping waiters or funding future Christmas presents.
‘I have taken a democratic decision to ignore my existing debts and I would ask my creditors to respect that,’ Willis told the Chelmsford Reporter. ‘To begin with I was a little unsure, but choosing not to pay has been a great weight off my shoulders. And to those I owe money to I would say, please keep putting things on my tab, I’ll settle up eventually – honest.’
One of the men, who doesn’t want to be named for fear of having to fill out a form, suffered mild light-headedness saying “It’s ridiculous! All that information in such a small space. How can we be expected to absorb it all in one go? I need to lie down. And when I recover, I’ll be putting in a claim.”