The Prime Minister today announced a new raft of measures designed to combat the threat of Britons joining the shadowy extremist group UKIP, including removing the right of those individuals to later return to the Conservative Party.
A female penguin has hit out against retail giant John Lewis for what is being described as a ‘forced and highly illegal marriage’ between herself and ‘Monty’, co-star of the widely anticipated Christmas commercial released last week. The flightless bird, who hit headlines for her brief appearance in the advert, claims the whole setup was against her will, and that she intends to press charges against the well-known high street chain.
Discount high street chain Poundland have unveiled their 2014 advert for Christmas, featuring an instrumental remix of Christmas songs by some Dutch band, and seasonal visuals of a white rat sniffing around a stack of boxes labelled ‘Great value’ and ‘Super fun’, as well as ‘Cheap rubbish’ and ‘Xmas tat’. Some of the boxes have their ‘This Way Up’ warnings hilariously upside down.
In a pre-written statement found in a special section on his Facebook page, Bradley Smith, spoke of his joy in realising a passive suicide idea that he’d come up with whilst watching an episode of EastEnders in 2007. “It was an epiphany,” blogged the 37 year old screenwriter. “My work was getting me down big-time. I tried Googling spectacular ways of checking out, but my rural broadband connection was serving up suggestions slower than those monochrome computers at the start of the Aliens movies. I figured that there was a good chance I’d probably die of natural causes before I found something interesting,” he explained.