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Man unable to believe he wasn’t interfered with in the 1970s

Nigel Coggins, a 52-year-old office worker from Rainham, has told of his turmoil at trying to deal with the fact that he managed to live out his childhood years and survive the ‘dirty decade’ completely unfiddled-with by hands other than his own.

‘I was a normal kid just like any other. I walked to school alone from age five, I played out for hours on end until it got dark and went on many adventures with my friends. And not once did I encounter a sexual predator. I look back now and wonder how the hell I did it,’ said the father-of-two in disbelief.

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Swimming pools to introduce ‘hairy fatty back bits’ lanes

Mark Spitz, and so does everyone elseWalthamstow public swimming pool is to pilot new ‘smooth’ and ‘hairy’ shoulder lanes in a scheme due for nationwide rollout by 2015.

The new system was introduced after it was noticed that an effective swimming workout was being undermined for many by the fear of ingesting curly hair floating on the surface during their regular workouts.

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Britain unsure if it wants to be more or less ‘rapey’

Justice for allThe Director of Public Prosecutions, Alison Saunders, is hoping to dispel the ‘myth’ that insufficient evidence should ever dissuade the police or courts from pursuing newspaper headlines with meaningless statistics.

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Health concerns over man who paid full price at Alton Towers

met his Nemesis in the ticket boothA man, whose name has been withheld to spare him public humiliation has been detained for psychiatric reports after arriving unannounced with his wife and two children at Alton Towers and attempting to pay full price for a family ticket.

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Bedroom Tax may force Doctor Who to be evicted from TARDIS

requirements for time and relative dimensions in space finally being properly assessed‘We have discovered a single man claiming housing benefit for a property that appears to have an infinite number of spare rooms,’ said Benefits Officer Kimberley Smalls. ‘He is therefore liable for the most severe under-occupancy penalty.’

The decision means the Doctor faces significant cuts to his housing benefit and he may be forced to leave the TARDIS and move to a one-bedroom flat in Neasden.

The spot check by housing benefit officers found that the Doctor has far more ‘spare rooms’ in his 1960s police box than was previously thought. These include a sick bay, an observatory, a library, a secondary control room, several squash courts, an ancillary power station, a swimming pool and an attic.

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