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UK-Biscuit

‘World’s tallest man’ revealed to be three dwarves under a raincoat

little big manThe man hitherto thought to be the tallest in the world is in fact three extremely short men stood on each other’s shoulders under a large raincoat, it has emerged. The swindling ‘giant’ was making a personal appearance at the opening ceremony of a multi-storey car park in Basingstoke, when ‘he’ tripped over a kerb and the duping dwarves came tumbling out.

The three later told the local press that they had originally been a two-man act but had to extend it to three because the original pairing barely came to six feet tall. Tabloids are already referring to the scandal as ‘Faux Height and the Three Dwarves’.

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Des Lynam ‘the only man left you can trust’, confirm Yewtree investigators

shouldn't you be at work?Officers investigating allegations of sexual abuse by notable figures from the 60s and 70s have concluded today that, the only man currently alive that’s ‘completely trustworthy’, is veteran TV and radio presenter, Des Lynam.

‘We investigated Des thoroughly, and amazingly, we found zilch’, said one anonymous Yewtree investigator today. ‘We rummaged through his bins, hacked into his computer and interrogated him in a hot room for six days straight, but the guy’s clean. We didn’t even find any evidence of any suspiciously long hugs. We’re now able to confirm that Des Lynam is currently the only celebrity over sixty still at liberty to appear on TV not wearing a pair of handcuffs with a jacket pulled over his head’.

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Passport backlog: thousands of Brits wanted a holiday in Cornwall all along

'Thank God Rick Stein's not around to see this'Tens of thousands of people who have had to cancel foreign holidays because of the passport backlog have realised that actually they wanted to go to Cornwall all along.

‘We’d booked two weeks on the Costa del Sol,’ said Fred Ashford, from Ashford, ‘but as soon as we knew our passports wouldn’t be ready, we reappraised the situation and found that foreign adventures probably weren’t for us at this time. It turned out that our ideal holiday destination, in terms of climate, food, relaxation, home from home facilities and all that, was Newquay. And if it pisses down all week again, who cares? I intend to have lots of fun in this new pot-bellied surfing wetsuit I bought by not paying £55 each to speed up the passport application.’

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Man unable to believe he wasn’t interfered with in the 1970s

Nigel Coggins, a 52-year-old office worker from Rainham, has told of his turmoil at trying to deal with the fact that he managed to live out his childhood years and survive the ‘dirty decade’ completely unfiddled-with by hands other than his own.

‘I was a normal kid just like any other. I walked to school alone from age five, I played out for hours on end until it got dark and went on many adventures with my friends. And not once did I encounter a sexual predator. I look back now and wonder how the hell I did it,’ said the father-of-two in disbelief.

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Swimming pools to introduce ‘hairy fatty back bits’ lanes

Mark Spitz, and so does everyone elseWalthamstow public swimming pool is to pilot new ‘smooth’ and ‘hairy’ shoulder lanes in a scheme due for nationwide rollout by 2015.

The new system was introduced after it was noticed that an effective swimming workout was being undermined for many by the fear of ingesting curly hair floating on the surface during their regular workouts.

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