In a pre-written statement found in a special section on his Facebook page, Bradley Smith, spoke of his joy in realising a passive suicide idea that he’d come up with whilst watching an episode of EastEnders in 2007. “It was an epiphany,” blogged the 37 year old screenwriter. “My work was getting me down big-time. I tried Googling spectacular ways of checking out, but my rural broadband connection was serving up suggestions slower than those monochrome computers at the start of the Aliens movies. I figured that there was a good chance I’d probably die of natural causes before I found something interesting,” he explained.
Pouring cold water on the hopes of millions of workers the tribunal revealed that only overtime done because a firm was busy enough to require extra actual work would count towards what counted as ‘overtime’.
It was the award a few wanted but only one could have. In the end, it was disappointment for Buckinghamshire, the borough of Chorley and everywhere within a five-mile radius of Motherwell as Northamptonshire won the nomination as the UK’s first Area of Outstanding General Mediocrity (AOGM).
‘Neither quite vile enough for it to be funny, nor possessed of anything that might induce visitors to stay longer than it takes to use a toilet, this most nondescript of counties was a natural choice,’ said Lord Melvyn Bragg, chairman of the judging panel. ‘Its highest point is a mundane 738 feet. Its county flower is the cowslip. Even when Corby ceased to be the largest town in Britain without a railway station in 2009, Irthlingborough succeeded to the title. I could go on, but, you know, life’s too short, isn’t it?’
A butterfly from the Black Country has angrily denied being the cause of Hurricane Gonzalo, the tail end of which battered much of the UK this week. This all came after meteorologists, using cutting edge computer modelling, traced the origins of the hurricane back to the single flap of a butterfly’s wings three weeks last Tuesday in a field outside Walsall.