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Airfix criticised for not including any aircraft with scale model of HMS Queen Elizabeth

mustn't grumbleUpset parents have been calling for a boycott of Airfix after their new 1:350 scale, self-assembly model of the Royal Navy’s HMS Queen Elizabeth was launched without any tiny replica aircraft in the box.

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Father admits he didn’t actually spend summer outdoors

preferred staying in watching Muffin the MuleUnder pressure from his ten-year-old son Jacob, Bromsgrove insurance claims adjuster Roger Wyatt has admitted that he didn’t actually spend his formative summer holidays playing with sticks and fording rivers.

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Woman refuses to give birth in Primark

not even the 50% off signs could tempt her inDespite being wracked with labour pains and hobbled by a small head erupting from her vagina, an unnamed 28-year-old woman from Birmingham has been hailed as a hero for resolutely refusing to be lulled by Primark’s promise of cut-price designer wear and give birth in the shop.

As her waters broke, her cervix dilated and her 25%-off voucher expired, the woman dragged herself away from the lure of a sale on floral dresses. Groaning as her membranes ruptured, every maternal instinct made her abandon a rail of bargain kids’ clothing in the hope that her child would be born to a better future, with better stitching.

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‘Nice criminals’ will be forced to wear Hallowe’en masks

the world's just not terrifying enough yetFollowing the conviction of Rolf Harris for a string of sexual assaults, the Secretary of State for Justice, Chris Grayling, is set to announce sweeping reforms to festive Hallowe’en costumes to aid the public in their identification and eventual demonisation of suspected criminals. The Metropolitan Police admitted, that having exhausted its supply of freaky-looking paedophiles to prosecute, Operation Yewtree will now have to include celebrities people actually like.

Previously the government had implemented a system whereby serial killers agreed to grow beards, molesters were given bad haircuts and tax avoiders were required to dress like George Osborne. Unfortunately, the agreed classification has become undermined by the rise of ‘paedo chic’, which has seen the likes of Russell Brand making ironic use of Ted Bundy’s mojo and Lady Gaga looking like a transgender Jimmy Savile.

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‘World’s tallest man’ revealed to be three dwarves under a raincoat

little big manThe man hitherto thought to be the tallest in the world is in fact three extremely short men stood on each other’s shoulders under a large raincoat, it has emerged. The swindling ‘giant’ was making a personal appearance at the opening ceremony of a multi-storey car park in Basingstoke, when ‘he’ tripped over a kerb and the duping dwarves came tumbling out.

The three later told the local press that they had originally been a two-man act but had to extend it to three because the original pairing barely came to six feet tall. Tabloids are already referring to the scandal as ‘Faux Height and the Three Dwarves’.

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