NewsBiscuit

The news written by you…

UK-Biscuit

BBC suspend badger after attack on Springwatch producer over catering

now in talks with NetFlixBadger, who is appearing in the current series of Springwatch, is understood to have become abusive toward the unnamed producer when he was told that there were no rabbits or small rodents laid on at the end of the day’s filming.

Read more >



Police apologise for referring to tattoos as ‘distinctive’

could be anyone...A police spokesman has issued a public apology today for recent reports suggesting that certain suspects had ‘distinctive tattoos’. ‘For example, we recently stated that a suspect wanted in connection with a triple murder had a distinctive spider’s web tattoo on his neck. ‘It has been confirmed that this narrowed the list of suspects in the UK to around 500,000 people, predominantly male, many below the age of thirty-six and with an IQ of 90 or less.

Read more >



Puppets speak out about abuse at the hands of ‘cruel ventriloquist’

'he seemed so normal on the outside...'Dozens of the nation’s puppets have today spoken about their years of suffering in the hands of ventriloquist Keith Harris, in the wake of his death this week.

Read more >



Lurpak on offer at Asda, says your wife’s mother at six in the frigging morning

and then she just wants to eat it, for heaven's sakeAccording to sources close to your wife, which during the last five seconds have have been positively identified with her mother, Lurpak is on sale at 40% off in Asda this week. The news emerged in a phone call that woke you 40 seconds ago from a dream about Little Mix playing netball in blue pleated skirts at two minutes past six, for f*ck’s sake.

Read more >



Hatton Garden raid response ‘within guidelines’, say police

'Hatton, Hatoff, it's all the same to us'Police looking into the hole in the wall at Hatton Garden after a vault heist confirmed that their response is entirely in line with current policy to downgrade minor crimes such as domestic burglary.

Read more >