Liverpool Street Station today became a hive of activity as engineers working on London’s ambitious Crossrail project, tunnelling through the bedrock, broke into a cavernous area and discovered a group of commuters who had been missing for 40 years.
‘We had some seriously scary moments last week’, explained an officer. ‘Last Thursday this guy from Leeds told a complete stranger his name, his business, everything. A complete stranger! Even worse, he was called Alan, and people thought he was saying something about ‘Allah’ and legged it down the carriage.’
After 30 years of hard labour at a top investment bank, city worker, Alan Baxter, has finally admitted that he no longer needs to rush on the London Underground. This painful realisation has come at the cost of 3 divorces and child support payments to 4 daughters who like Prada but refuse to acknowledge his existence.
In a surprise U-turn, The Sun has renewed its commitment to publishing salacious images that may cause offence to decent people everywhere, including Tony Blair and George W. Bush in a series of compromising positions with Weapons of Mass Destruction. Editor David Dinsmore explained: ‘Figuratively speaking Blair and Bush were the biggest pair of tits we could find. And there are plenty more breast-related puns where that one came from, oh yes. Just keep counting.’