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Israel shuns peace deal in favour of a good PR firm

Mr Happy Tank wants you to come out and playThe Israeli Knesset has rejected the Gaza peace proposal put forward by US Secretary of State, John Kerry, in favour of a modest 12-hour truce – purposely designed to be long enough for Israeli soldiers to get a good night’s sleep, identify new targets and reload their missiles. A spokesman for Prime Minister Netanyahu has made it clear that what is really needed is a ‘…tabulated program of action to earn public understanding and acceptance’ codenamed ‘Turd Polish’.

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US to introduce border height restrictions

US border guards having to look harder to find themIn order to combat the flood of unaccompanied children through its southern states, the US is planning to implement a scheme which bans anyone who still watches ‘Sesame street’, needs help tying their shoe laces or still believes in the tooth fairy. While some fear this might unfairly target Republican nominee Rick Perry, most agree to the rewording of the Statue of Liberty: ‘Give me your tired, your poor…but no one under four foot eight’.

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Gaza ceasefire made possible by shared love of Quorn

the basis for a two-course solutionMiddle-east negotiators have told journalists how they hope to broker a ceasefire agreement by reminding both sides that they share a love of Quorn meat-free products.

‘We were desperately trying to come up with some common ground over breakfast yesterday morning,’ explained UN Secretary General Ban Ki-Moon. ‘Just as I was popping a piece of succulent pork sausage into my mouth I suddenly thought, neither the Israelis nor the Palestinians would be able to do that. Then it hit me – they both probably love Quorn sausages instead! They’ve got no pork in them, they’re perfect for both religions.’

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Blame for Iraq to be divided

'Don't forget the Iranians'After many decades of strife, violence and corruption culminating in a bloody civil war, it has been decided that the blame for the situation in Iraq is to be formally divided up.

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US Republicans: ‘Gay workers’ rights will only extend to the hot ones’

always cheerfulBarack Obama has been criticised by right wing opponents that his recent gay rights legislation will infringe on free-markets; but they have been absolutely clear that this judgement in no way should be interpreted as a homosexual slur: ‘…Heck, no – no siree, Bob!’. By differentiating between federal and private employees, Republicans are concerned that this could lead to lawsuits, a hike in oil prices and Government agencies creaming off all the best looking homosexuals for themselves.

Many gay rights groups are surprised by Republicans vociferous stance against the new legislation on economic terms: ‘…because they could have sworn the House of Representatives was ever so, a tinsy winsy bit, ragingly homophobic’. Not so, answer their critics, pointing towards a raft of liberal legislation they would have approved: ‘…if only someone had set them to the songs from the shows.’

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