The news written by you…


Tabloids produce something more distasteful than a Diana plate

Daily Express readers were flocking to their phones this morning to place a deposit on a newly minted Royal Worcester set of chinaware – featuring the short, tragic but impactful life of a deceased refugee ‘of your choice’. The centrepiece of the collection is a gravy boat depicting a body strewn Turkish beach; which guarantees to transform the tone of your after-dinner tete a tete from abhorrence of scrounging migrants to the economic possibilities afforded by refugees.

‘Ever since these powerful images appeared, we have been inundated with requests to do something that will never be forgotten, preferably unsavoury…’

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US launch massive pillow offensive

The US Army confirmed today that it was sending dozens of ‘advisors’ to the Middle East armed with ‘state of the art’ 100% Hungarian white goose feathers. ‘We have expertise garnered that other military forces struggle to gain,’ said the Commandant of West Point. ‘For example, you’d think the Chinese burn was likely to be a Chinese speciality – but we’re better.’

These fighting techniques have been developed from the British Public School sector and copies of the Beano. ‘Remove the feathers, foam, whatever; then insert your body armour or shield if you happen to be a superhero,’ said a West Point spokesman, ‘and then kick the living shit out of your opposition,’ he added.

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IS still ‘decades away’ from mastering Tetris

Despite their best attempts to demolish the Temple of Bel, the Islamic State has been unable to explode a variety of stacked geometric shapes. Although the historical city of Palmyra boasts more than 1,000 columns, 500 tombs and many coloured squares – the military group has repeatedly ‘topped out’ to the soundtrack of the ‘Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy’.

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Bin Laden cassettes ‘a dangerous collection of 80s cheese’

It has been revealed today that a collection of audio cassettes seized from Osama Bin Laden’s abandoned Afghan compound, actually contain an alarming amount of 80s pop tunes.

Brett Rogers, one of the first U.S. Navy Seals to enter the compound, claimed he was alerted to Bin Laden’s whereabouts by the distant melodic tones of Salt-N-Pepa’s Push It. ‘Well the lyrics do say that “this dance ain’t for everybody, only for the sexy people” obviously I took it as a sign’.

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‘Chinese financial woes made me molest goat’ claims defendant

A Gosport man who appeared in court on charges of outraging public decency, sexual assault and animal cruelty, has blamed his ‘regrettable’ behaviour on the volatility of global finance.

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