The news written by you…


EU fence-making industry booming

With the migrant crisis showing no signs of abating, the EU today reported that the fastest growing industry within its borders is the manufacture of fences.

The news came on the back of reports that both Croatia and Slovenia are considering controls on their borders, similar to the ones implemented by Hungary over the last week. With both Hungary and Bulgaria looking to fences as a method to control the flow into their countries, the news has further bolstered the burgeoning fence industry.

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Hand luggage rescued in British Airways fire drama

Designer clothing, cigarettes, alcohol and souvenirs of Los Angeles were just some of the items rescued from a blazing plane prior to take off. Alighting passengers were trapped inside a burning plane pun; while many of the 170 items of luggage were threatened with smoke damage, having to use Ryanair for their weight allowance or making the baggage carousel look like a rotisserie BBQ.

Terrified passengers managed to ignore safety procedures and normal humanitarian intervention by opening overhead lockers and salvaging personal possessions before taking to the emergency exits.

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Tabloids produce something more distasteful than a Diana plate

Daily Express readers were flocking to their phones this morning to place a deposit on a newly minted Royal Worcester set of chinaware – featuring the short, tragic but impactful life of a deceased refugee ‘of your choice’. The centrepiece of the collection is a gravy boat depicting a body strewn Turkish beach; which guarantees to transform the tone of your after-dinner tete a tete from abhorrence of scrounging migrants to the economic possibilities afforded by refugees.

‘Ever since these powerful images appeared, we have been inundated with requests to do something that will never be forgotten, preferably unsavoury…’

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US launch massive pillow offensive

The US Army confirmed today that it was sending dozens of ‘advisors’ to the Middle East armed with ‘state of the art’ 100% Hungarian white goose feathers. ‘We have expertise garnered that other military forces struggle to gain,’ said the Commandant of West Point. ‘For example, you’d think the Chinese burn was likely to be a Chinese speciality – but we’re better.’

These fighting techniques have been developed from the British Public School sector and copies of the Beano. ‘Remove the feathers, foam, whatever; then insert your body armour or shield if you happen to be a superhero,’ said a West Point spokesman, ‘and then kick the living shit out of your opposition,’ he added.

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IS still ‘decades away’ from mastering Tetris

Despite their best attempts to demolish the Temple of Bel, the Islamic State has been unable to explode a variety of stacked geometric shapes. Although the historical city of Palmyra boasts more than 1,000 columns, 500 tombs and many coloured squares – the military group has repeatedly ‘topped out’ to the soundtrack of the ‘Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy’.

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