"I give this pledge to the Labour Party and the electorate about what I am resolved to do," said Prime Ministerial hopeful and T-shirt model Andy Burnham. "I will be fearless in saying everything in my power to become leader and make Britain happy. "I will state, forthrightly and in no uncertain terms, that it's time to defy Labour's bleeding heart, left-wing backbenchers, slash welfare spending and boost Britain's defences. "I will also be utterly resolute in saying that we

Aping Netflix's plans of a real-life Squid Game reality TV show the government have announced the second of two payments to help the poorest households with the cost of living will be giving out only after those eligible overcome a set of games similar to those seen in the popular Netflix show Squid Game. As the first of these two cost of living payments is to hit people's bank accounts in July, the government hope this initiative will counter any accusations that they could

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There is no issue with resources in the MoD, insisted a moustachioed cartoon officer with an infeasibly large number of stripes. The official press release is clear. 'Valiant British troops took the unusual step of boarding the shadow tanker by trebuchet, because the unit's helicopter is stuck in Kwik-Fit awaiting the correct windscreen wiper. Four men hit the water and two hit the side of the ship, but three men successfully boarded. 'The three heavily armed soldiers advance

An avid Royal watcher from Swindon has thanked her 'kindly' neighbours for allowing her to watch the trooping the colour on their 50 inch TV. Rose Johnson, 57 has been unable to afford a TV of her own since her 12 year old knock off set broke down, despite working two jobs and selling everything else she could get any money for. The family at number 28, who don't want to be named because the whole thing made them feel sick, said 'It's the least we could do really. We would

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"Summer is known to bring the risk of infection from the cryptosporidium parasite, flatworms and ticks," said a spokes-stephoscope for the Brutish Summertime Medical Association. "But a new parasite has evolved which is a million times more malignant than any of those. "We call it the Purecoldrage parasite. It thrives by sucking up all the anger, bile and hatred which lurks inside the minds of Britain's most grumpy people and then releasing it into the general population in m

Washington has finally found a way around the problem of the embarrassing number of octogenarians jostling to become the next resident of the White House. With assistance from the American Kennel Club, each geriatric candidate has been assigned a new canine age. Congressman Winthrop Stoad III of Georgia, 94, has just entered the contest as a 31-year-old. 'It helps people forget that I've been in Congress since 1948 and voted for Jim Crow laws right through the 1950s,' he expl

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After the disappointment there will be no Christmas Dr Who Special this year, there's a renewed buzz within the Whovian community following news Steven Spielberg has his sights set on making the fourth big screen outing for the the Poundland Sci-fi icon. Speaking at a publicity event in London where he's promoting his current blockbuster, Disclosure Day, the ET Supremo told members of the press. 'I'm really excited to be getting a crack at this and can announce we've now secu

Donald Trump is talking up the advantages of America's massive debts. The US national debt is 39 trillion dollars, mostly borrowed from other countries. And the debt continues to get bigger, as government spending rises and the tax take fails to keep up. The President said, 'Owing so much money gives the USA a massive advantage. Other countries must be very nice to us, or we might not pay the money back.' The President appears to overlook the issue of debt repayment. The US d

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