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Queen to auction off some Commonwealth countries

The Queen has been having a clear out and will be putting some of the Commonwealth up for auction, Buckingham Palace has confirmed.

‘Her Majesty is the first to admit she’s a bit of a hoarder,’ said a Palace spokesman. ‘It wasn’t until she had to sit through the opening ceremony at the Commonwealth Games the other day that she realised she still had half these countries. They’re scattered all over the place, you know. We dust them off every couple of years for a Games or a summit or whatever but it turns out that afterwards they’re just going back into storage and being forgotten about.’

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Russia phones National Bullying Helpline

In the weepy small hours of the weekend, the peoples of the Russian Federation jammed phone lines with complaints of harassment and online bullying by members of the UN. In a week that has seen the Eurasian nation unfairly implicated in the downing of Malaysia Airlines MH17, Moscow officials complained that they had been accused by the US of being ‘fat’, ‘spotty’ and ‘not knowing’ the words to One Direction’s last single.

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US death row prisoners developing resistance to execution

indignitasThe penal system in the US could soon be ‘cast back into the dark ages’ unless action is taken to tackle the growing threat of resistance to execution, experts have said.

In a preliminary report from the US Government, there are clear signs that death row prisoners are developing increasing resistance to methods of execution that used to overcome inmates in a matter of minutes.

Report author, Professor Herbert J Scheckter said: “it used to be that traditional methods such as the electric chair or lethal injections would bring an end pretty quickly. Increasingly though we keep seeing prisoners that last longer and longer. Sooner or later we believe there will be prisoners that are immune to current methods of execution”.

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Israel shuns peace deal in favour of a good PR firm

Mr Happy Tank wants you to come out and playThe Israeli Knesset has rejected the Gaza peace proposal put forward by US Secretary of State, John Kerry, in favour of a modest 12-hour truce – purposely designed to be long enough for Israeli soldiers to get a good night’s sleep, identify new targets and reload their missiles. A spokesman for Prime Minister Netanyahu has made it clear that what is really needed is a ‘…tabulated program of action to earn public understanding and acceptance’ codenamed ‘Turd Polish’.

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US to introduce border height restrictions

US border guards having to look harder to find themIn order to combat the flood of unaccompanied children through its southern states, the US is planning to implement a scheme which bans anyone who still watches ‘Sesame street’, needs help tying their shoe laces or still believes in the tooth fairy. While some fear this might unfairly target Republican nominee Rick Perry, most agree to the rewording of the Statue of Liberty: ‘Give me your tired, your poor…but no one under four foot eight’.

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