WorldBiscuit
Sources from within the American intelligence community have this morning confirmed that Scotland, reported missing by concerned relatives on Friday night, was arrested by the CIA for aiding and abetting terrorists and has been spirited away to a secret interrogation centre somewhere in Europe.
After months of exhaustive research into Britain’s National Health Service in the name of President Obama’s healthcare reforms, senior American officials have now refused to rule out an invasion of Britain to liberate the country from the sinister tyranny of the NHS, which has been exposed by new CIA intelligence gathered from BBC footage of a death-camp known only as ‘Holby City Hospital’.
Human rights campaigner Amnesty International has stunned the international community by brokering a non-intervention treaty with nations that still enforce the death penalty, on the understanding that the condemned are to be given a fighting chance of an elaborate escape. ‘We have agreed to lay off countries that insist on taking human life, often after grave miscarriages of justice, so long as they promise to use slower and less effective methods of execution in order to give prisoners at least one last chance of escape,’ said an Amnesty spokesperson. ‘Over the years we’ve tried to have the death penalty abolished, but we realise now that is never going to happen. And frankly, some of these bastards have it coming.’
An Al-Qaeda cell in Iraq, frustrated at its inability to make an impact on the world media stage through its suicide bombings, rocket attacks and kidnappings campaigns, is hoping to improve its global profile and spread its anti-Western beliefs through its latest videotaped call to arms which also features manipulated images of a kitten playing the piano in the hope that it will ‘go viral’.
Former US President Bill Clinton has helped to secure the release of two ‘hot’ US reporters from North Korea. The women were variously described by Mr Clinton’s party as ‘in good health’ and ‘smokin’. Senior US officials have confirmed that when Mr Clinton heard of the women’s plight he had expressed an immediate interest in their appearance.
