After revelations that the CIA used ‘enhanced interrogation techniques’ to torture prisoners, it has emerged that British forces may have to be tortured to see if they admit to having taken part in similar practices after 9/11 and during recent Middle East wars. The army believes that, unpalatable though it is, this may be the only way to the truth.
Popular present delivery service Father Christmas has called on the Government to do more to prevent the use of controversial zero hours contracts. ‘Don’t get me wrong,’ he explained, ‘it’s better than being unemployed, but I just have to wait around all year waiting for the call to say they’ve got some work for me. Did you know, I’ve only done 500 days work in the last 500 years? If it wasn’t for all the mince pies I can grab on Christmas Eve I don’t think I’d survive the year.’
Santa Claus has been accused of scaremongering after he told a committee of MPs that the universal present service is under threat. Appearing before the Business, Skills and Innovation Committee Claus told MPs that his ability to deliver presents on time to children in the remotest parts of the UK could no longer be guaranteed.
At 1.36 Eastern Standard Time the United States of America officially declared that they had run out of ammo. The ensuing chaos has seen riots and looting in twelve major cities, as a bewildered populace struggle to come to terms with the loss of their favourite past time – shooting classmates, Beatles and ‘anyone who isn’t an albino’.
Benjamin Netanyahu and Hamas leader Khaled Mashal last night announced a lasting settlement to the Israeli-Palestine conflict following a night of negotiations over eight pints of Fosters in the Lamb and Flag pub, Walthamstow.