NewsBiscuit

Abdul Fattah al-Sisi, or al-Sisi the first, as he has become popularly known, has been inaugurated as Pharaoh of Egypt for the next 4,000 years.

The former military chief comes to power at a time of uncertainty in Egyptian politics following two military coups, after which it was decided that a return to the dynastic system offered the only viable form of government for the forthcoming centuries, with elections to be held every epoch and results subject to the ‘divine right of kings’.

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Supporters see them as a vital lubricant of the global labour market, while critics say they are diluting other cultures and putting local drinking dens out of business. Now there are calls for restrictions on the numbers of Irish pubs emigrating, yet the trend sees no signs of abating.

‘You have to go where the money is, to be sure, to be sure,’ said O’Malleys, a brewery-themed hostelry that closed down in Dublin in 2011 and relocated to Ulaan Bataar, where he has established a thriving business among Mongolian hipsters who were previously unable to see live transmissions of Manchester United games while listening to jukeboxes playing the Pogues around the clock.

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Russian twins The Tolmachevy Sisters have won a landslide victory in the Eurovision Song Contest according to an unofficial poll which took place in areas held by Pro-Russian demonstrators in Eastern Ukraine.

Voting slips featured a photo of The Tolmachevy Sisters accompanied by the Russian flag, while ‘everyone else’ was represented by a photo of dead WW2 Russians accompanied by a Swastika. After votes were counted, the Russian singing duo were duly declared winners with an impressive 108% of the popular vote.

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With the coiled energy of a tortoise on Prozac, the international community has sprung to the aid of the frantic families of over 200 missing Nigerian schoolgirls. As most crime-fighting agencies will attest, the most auspicious moment to investigate a kidnapping is at least a month after the event. Like a good wine, a banker’s pension scheme or the humour of James Corden – hostages improve with time.

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Former Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi will spend his community service trying to inseminate a giant panda at Edinburgh zoo, following failed attempts to mate her with a male panda.

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