NewsBiscuit

Barack Obama has been criticised by right wing opponents that his recent gay rights legislation will infringe on free-markets; but they have been absolutely clear that this judgement in no way should be interpreted as a homosexual slur: ‘…Heck, no – no siree, Bob!’. By differentiating between federal and private employees, Republicans are concerned that this could lead to lawsuits, a hike in oil prices and Government agencies creaming off all the best looking homosexuals for themselves.

Many gay rights groups are surprised by Republicans vociferous stance against the new legislation on economic terms: ‘…because they could have sworn the House of Representatives was ever so, a tinsy winsy bit, ragingly homophobic’. Not so, answer their critics, pointing towards a raft of liberal legislation they would have approved: ‘…if only someone had set them to the songs from the shows.’

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After opening the refurbished Bletchley Park, attending the Garter Parade in Windsor and spending the day at Royal Ascot, the Duchess of Cambridge’s next engagement will be to carry out the next execution of a condemned criminal in the United States, Buckingham Palace has confirmed.

It is yet to be confirmed whether the Duchess will be joined by Prince George for the occasion but palace insiders say it would be an ideal opportunity for the heir apparent to see how justice could be carried out in the UK under a future permanent Tory government, and perhaps to have a little toddle about.

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Set against the backdrop of Kenyan massacres and Iraqi insurgency, FIFA is concerned that Islamist militants may not be giving Brazil 2014 their full attention. Despite wall-to-wall TV coverage, there is a growing suspicion that some of the world’s population are choosing not to embrace footballing worship and are instead favouring revolution, seventy two virgins and a ‘nice game of croquet’.

Although the World Cup cost well in excess of $14 billion, Sunni militants seem more obsessed with Baghdad than the melodious prose of Phil Neville. New technologies such as vanishing foam, goal-line sensors and improved corruption have failed to distract Jihadists from their ultimate goal of ‘keeping Wayne Rooney off the front page’. Even a prize money totalling $576m and the lure of the percussive caxirola, does not seem to have dented the extremists’ love of all shoot outs, except penalties.

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Abdul Fattah al-Sisi, or al-Sisi the first, as he has become popularly known, has been inaugurated as Pharaoh of Egypt for the next 4,000 years.

The former military chief comes to power at a time of uncertainty in Egyptian politics following two military coups, after which it was decided that a return to the dynastic system offered the only viable form of government for the forthcoming centuries, with elections to be held every epoch and results subject to the ‘divine right of kings’.

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Supporters see them as a vital lubricant of the global labour market, while critics say they are diluting other cultures and putting local drinking dens out of business. Now there are calls for restrictions on the numbers of Irish pubs emigrating, yet the trend sees no signs of abating.

‘You have to go where the money is, to be sure, to be sure,’ said O’Malleys, a brewery-themed hostelry that closed down in Dublin in 2011 and relocated to Ulaan Bataar, where he has established a thriving business among Mongolian hipsters who were previously unable to see live transmissions of Manchester United games while listening to jukeboxes playing the Pogues around the clock.

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