Leaders around the world have resolutely condemned the annexation of Manchester United football club by Liverpool FC despite a hastily held referendum showing 95.5% support among the Man U fans for secession to its more powerful neighbour.
As the stand-off between Russia and Ukraine continues, the Illuminati are cackling with glee as their plans for world domination through manipulation of the London property market fall quietly into place.
The Hatcher family from Letchworth, Herts, are still ‘in shock’ after the incident in which bistro waiter Georges Latour smiled and wished the family ‘A bientôt’ and politely thanked them for the adequate tip which had been left for him. Graham Hatcher said: ‘We were completely shocked and I could see that the children were scared and upset. The holiday had been lovely up to then, typically Parisian.
Prime Minister David Cameron has sent a stark warning to the Russian ambassador to London, saying that any military intervention in the Ukraine would be in serious breach of international law, could escalate tensions and would blatantly ‘pinch our idea!’. This sentiment was echoed by the Whitehouse, who claimed that ‘sticking their nose where it doesn’t belong’ is as American as ‘apple pie’, ‘type one diabetes’ and ‘high school massacres’.
Branch salesperson Greg Mottram said ‘I turned up this morning and there was no sign of Debbie, the regular manager, just this Yanukovich bloke. when I asked where Debbie was, I was told she’d been sent into ‘internal exile’. When I asked where to, I was told Rochdale which, you know, is a bit harsh.’