NewsBiscuit

The news written by you…

WorldBiscuit

Socialist jihadis declare Islamic Welfare State

a simple 'thank you' would also go a long wayA left-wing IS splinter cell has today declared an Islamic socialist caliphate in a bid to halt the plight of jobless jihadis and bombers on the breadline.

Read more >



Astronomers discover new Earth-like planet where only nice things happen

seems like heavenThe Royal Astronomical society has today released data from scientists at the world’s largest telescopes revealing an earth-like planet in the Milky Way which appears devoid of any nasty goings on at all.

Lying only 42 light years away, the planet is neither too warm nor too cold and everything, everything about it, according to the data, is ‘just right’.

Read more >



Twelve amused and four left laughing in satirical attack on IS headquarters

an artist's impression of something which might not have happenedTwelve members of Islamic State have been left seriously amused after a ruthless gang of satirists forced their way into its headquarters and proceeded to ridicule up the place.

Sarcasm, parody and irony are all said to have been used in what many are seeing as a broader attack on everyone’s freedom to stone homosexuals or cut babies in half.

Read more >



Santa to sue all householders who fail to display correct allergen info on mince pies

can't go on for another 2000 years like thisSanta Claus has said he will be suing billions of householders this year if they fail to supply him with food and drink without clearly displaying the correct allergy information. New EU laws came into effect this month that require anyone providing food to be able to supply information about the ‘14 everyday allergens’. That is to protect those in the UK that have severe reaction to certain things including nuts, soya, dairy, fish, horse, immigrants and queue jumping.

‘Over the last twelve months I have been self-diagnosed with a fashionable form of gluten intolerance’, Mr Claus said. ‘This has meant I have had to avoid bread, pastries and almost certainly mince bloody pies. I’m sure one or two would be fine, but I consumed billions of the buggers last year and not one was correctly labelled. At least now there’s a law that means I can sue their inconsiderate arses. As a result of their allergen ignorance, I had a severe allergic reaction last time and put on about 260 stone.’

Read more >



Stopping torture not yet on US’s New Year resolution list

Might take a run on 1st Jan to burn some fat insteadDespite years of promising to cut back on excessive water-boarding binges, the US is reluctant to add torture to its list of ‘Do Nots’ for 2015. Like most people in January, the CIA’s counter-terrorism unit was expected to give up on auditory abuse, sleep deprivation and chocolate. Current US resolutions include not employing Piers Morgan, not supporting affordable health care and not shooting black teenagers, although the last point is more of a guideline than a resolution.

Read more >