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Earth to be Recycled


They've only gone and done it again, despite the court order. The editorial team at NewsBiscuit have compiled another anthology of stories, one-liners and cartoons covering an otherwise quiet twelve-month period in the UK and outside world with fake news, news which should have been fake and sometimes just something that feels funny. The last bit was aimed at the last remaining GP in UK, just in case they're working today. The stories might make you laugh, they might make you cry, but at least they haven't crashed the economy - yet. We have Prime Ministers for that!


Over 1000 short stories and more than 200 headlines culled from the daily output from September 2021 through to the end of August 2022, all put together in a cynical ploy to fund the UK's oldest and best fake news website - NewsBiscuit.com. NewsBiscuit exists to provide a writing outlet for hundreds of established and aspirational comedy writers and to post a daily dose of humour designed to distract tens of thousands of people from working, restoring the economy or otherwise making a useful contribution to society - 365 days a year, most years (we stretch to 366 days a year now and then for reasons we haven't quite understood).


Earth to be Recycled makes a great gift for friends and for yourself





Best of NewsBiscuit - May 2024

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May 2024


The small matter of the General Election date was finally announced on the 23rd of May, outside 10 Downing Street, by one of the smaller Tory Wets. That’s right – only a year ago! The Tories continued to do their best impersonation of a busted flush and Tory MPs continued to be quite defective. Labour continued to mutter about change and refused to say anything about their policies. Ed Davey started planning his tour of Britain’s theme parks.


The hearings into the Post Office Horizon scandal continued. Paula Vennells continued to protest her ignorance, and therefore innocence. It was all so unbelievable that a career in politics seemed to be beckoning. On the plus side, the convictions of many subpostmasters were – at last - overturned.

Water companies and water quality continued to make the news. Water company bosses continued to poo-poo concerns about sewage. Bookings for UK holiday resorts hit rock bottom.

Here is a selection of the top stories from May 2024, loosely organised by topic. Click through to read the stories and the author credits. Scroll down to see some of the month’s best headlines.


General Election


Post Office Scandal


Sport


Other nonsense



Selected headlines from May 2024


Sunak ignores teams of fat ladies singing outside Downing Street

Eurovision: "Not over until the bearded lady sings"

All Universities required to become Diversities

Free Julian Assange! (buyer collects)

I'm trying to give up being a pirate, but the patches aren't working

Pals with receding hairlines say they go back a long way

Prince William accidentally calls the FA Cup 'Dad'

Tories suffering from electoral dysfunction

Cocaine worth £40 million found in car park still not enough to pay for two hours parking

Post Office paid Paula Vennells 5 million pounds to know nothing about anything

Boats on all English rivers now required to have a poop deck


Picture credit: Deep Dream Generator

Only Biscuit Fans – The new Adults Only NewsBiscuit spinoff website


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In order to create an additional revenue stream from the success of the NewsBiscuit brand, the obvious next step is an explicit biscuit based porn site to take full advantage of desperate people with disposable income who are a bit peckish. Are you enjoying a cup of tea and want a bit on the side whilst no one is looking? See if there are any buttery short cakes in your area you’d like to meet and eat.


You will custard cream your under crackers whilst ogling ginger nuts and hobnobs. Nice.


This weeks filthy guest biscuit is the Lady Finger Cookie, next week is a chocolate finger, so deal with that.


Promo Code: PARTYRING - join now before this offer is scone.


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