USA forced into peace deal with algae in Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool
After an Apache AH-64 crashed into the Washington Monument whilst strafing the algae with it’s 30mm chain cannon, the USA agreed to a cease fire and reparations to the algae in the Reflecting Pool. ICE Agents had initially been instructed to detain and then send the menace back to Algeria. After repeated attempts to cuff the algae and beat it with truncheons, ICE had to retreat when agents electrocuted themselves whilst trying to TASER some of the unicellular organisms. A SWA
Starmer's resignation speech leaked to the press
With the curtain coming down on his premiership, Prime Minister (at the time of writing) Sir Keir Starmer is said to be outraged that his resignation speech has been leaked to the press, as they may necessitate a delay in the resignation as he prepares a replacement. Downing Street sources meanwhile are disputing the authenticity of the speech. But they would, wouldn't they? The speech in full is reproduced below. 'It has been a great honour to be Prime Minister of this grea
"Join us, Keir!" say sloths. "The humans don't deserve you"
The South American rainforest-based Kingdom of Three-Toed Sloths has invited Sir Keir Starmer to head up their government. "Looking around the other world leaders," drawled a spokes-sloth, "we found them just too fast and frantic - always in a hurry to try and fix things with their countries. "Sir Keir is much more our speed. When the UK's defence chiefs said they desperately needed money right now to re-arm against Russia, he told them they could have a little bit more in tw
Thousands flock to Burnham Man festival in Makerfield
Makerfield became the hottest entertainment spot in Britain as thousands crowded into the Burnham Man festival to vote for Andy the T-Shirt Mannequin and listen to his latest numbers: "Final Chance to Change" and "Hit the Road, Keir". On the hard right stage, Reform UK's Bob the Plumber sung a sad ballad called "I Got Flushed Down the Toilet". On the even harder right stage, Restore's Rupert Lowe, reprising his chosen role of human cockroach, entertained no one at all with hi
Trump demands ceasefire between Burnham and Starmer
The President, visibly strained, released a statement urging calm, dignity, and the immediate cessation of Starmer's interpretive eye-rolling since Burnham won the Makerfield by-election. While neither man has formally declared any kind of war, they have stopped exchanging Christmas cards. Burnham agreed in principle to a ceasefire but insisted that it must recognise historic grievances about who has the most coiffured side-parting. Both parties refused to sit at the same tab
Farage blames Restore for “splitting the gammon vote”
Following Andy Burnham’s victory in the Makerfield by-election, Reform leader Nigel Farage has hit out at Restore Britain for “splitting the gammon vote”. “I know Britain has a lot of irascible boneheads with a vague sense of discontent they’re not intelligent enough to process,” he told reporters today. “But it’s not an infinite number, and we have to beware of Johnny-come-latelies like Restore splitting their vote. ”Frankly, it’s bad enough some of them are still voting Ref
‘Master Race’ regrets choosing representatives from the bargain bin
A spokesman for the Master Race has apologised to the press for some of the race’s recent representatives. ‘Okay, a few of them look like they had difficult births. Some did, to be fair. And yeah, there’s always one at a rally in a weird suit with 1940s hair who looks like his Mum still makes his sandwiches. And none of them can punctuate, spell or use English grammar. But that doesn’t mean they don’t represent Engerland, the greatest race the world has ever seen’. Master rac
Trump: Duh! Of course my birthday celebrations were vulgar
"They called the UFC bout at the White House a tacky, shameful desecration of an historic site," said a spokes-savage for President Trump. "The President's saying: Duh! Of course it was. Why are you not getting this? For eight decades, New York's top rank branded Mr Trump a small-fingered vulgarian with the speaking voice of a sewage worker and the interior decor tastes of a brothel owner. The only fellow billionaire who was ever happy to be seen with him was Jeffrey Epstein.
Starmer to ban social media for the over 60s
In a bold move today, Keir Starmer will announce age checks on social media to protect older voters from radicalisation. ‘Social media is a hellhole’, a spokesman told us. ‘Flags, memes, outright lies – old people aren’t properly prepared. They tend to believe any rubbish if it’s in print. Twitter is like the Daily Mail on steroids’. Over 60s will need permission from their children or two medical professionals to own a smartphone. The Government will issue Nokia 8850s from o
Kids internet ban resurfaces three rings
With the government hell-bent on stopping under sixteen year old children accessing the internet, children are pointing out they use their apps to monitor their friends have returned home safely. 'Apparently I'll need to use my minutes or text allowance to check if Billy got home ok,' said Jimmy, aged eight, 'and I need that to ensure I can call my mum if I'm stuck. So I'm going to use something I found on the internet - apparently people used to dial friends and hang up afte
