"At the moment, the Americans say the Strait of Hormuz is open to shipping and the Iranians say it is closed," said Dr Hiram Smorgasbord of Kharg Island Armageddon University.

In a surprise announcement Chancellor Rishi Sunak has said that as of Monday, all taxes will be optional. "This expands our existing policies", explained Mr Sunak. "Up until now, optional taxes were available to the Royal family, my wife and other very rich people but now, people will be able to choose whether or not to pay taxes." The new policy has experienced some teething problems; with long queues at shops as customers debate whether they have to pay VAT. Chris Grayling

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SEOUL — KIA has today unveiled its most cautious vehicle to date: The Starmer. Designed for the driver who wants to project an image of "Sensible Competence" while going in circles, the car is already being hailed as a breakthrough in indecisive engineering.

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In a surprise move, US President Donald Trump has begun devouring his own children after learning from his Greek Myths and Legends colouring-in book, that the ancient Greek Titan, Kronos, did the same thing to avoid being killed and overthrown by one of his kids.

We’re growing concerned about Lee’s welfare. It’s like a scene from Tom Brown’s schooldays or Lord of The Flies. Or maybe the first act of The Devil Wears Prada but with an oafish ex-miner instead of Anne Hathaway . . . no, that doesn’t work, and I’ve got the two images stuck together now. That’s a good w*nk ruined.

' 'If chocolate bars like Marathon can be re-named, why can't planets?' asked Martin Ambleside from Shanklin, during a book signing by TV's mega astronomer Professor Brian Cox. 'We've got Mars, which is fine. So why can't we have Crunchie, Picnic, Topic, Yorkie, Caramac and Aero in place of Mercury, Venus, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, and Neptune?' suggested Mr. Ambleside amid laughter form people in the queue. The question seemed to take the ever-smiling super stargazer by surp

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LONDON – In a move described as "refreshingly traditional," the British Medical Association has responded to its staff's strike action by installing a row of spinning jennies in the accounts department and replacing the staff canteen with a single, communal bucket of lukewarm gruel.

As the evenings lighten, the attention of the horse racing community turns to Aintree, and the traditional competition to provide the most ludicrously-named entry in this year's Grand National. Bet on any of these at your own risk... Over by Easter    An American nag, much-hyped but seems not to know where the winning post is, so not expected to finish as fast as the owners suggest. High likelihood of casualties. 1000-1 Over a Barrel Middle Eastern rival to Over by Easter,

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"No one ever made a better ceasefire deal than this," bragged Trump to reporters during his one-man victory parade down Pennsylvania Avenue.

Speaking from the seabed of the Atlantic, the captain of the Titanic today issued a statement claiming victory over the iceberg.

The Universities Superannuation Scheme (USS) manages the pension arrangements of around 400,000 university staff and it owns 20% of the shares in Thames Water. Thames Water is ‘under financial stress’, which is insider speak for ‘basket case’. It has not paid a dividend since 2017 and is increasingly looking like a bad bet for pension fund money. The investment committee at USS admits that it has received generous dividends from the company in the past and that investing in w