the Metropolitan Police investigates the extent of drug abuse in the House of Commons, the government has responded by asking Michael...

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HMP Blunder is breaking up for the Christmas holidays after a busy autumn term. Its 347 inmates will be released by mistake to wander around deprived areas of London in their prison clothes until they are rounded up by the police and herded back to their cells. HMP Blunder's governor, Eric Bungle, will oversee the end-of-term prize giving ceremony, when everyone will sing the prison song: It's the Most Blunderful Time of the Year. Hadush Kebatu is to be given the Metropolitan

Aries Quit grousing - if you had turned right instead of left, all I predicted last month would've come true. Am I to blame for your lousy sense of direction ? Taurus The person you saw across the packed train this morning. They feel the same way too. And they're in the house right now. Gemini A very special oddity will occur this month. One twelfth of the population will not all have precisely the same experience. Cancer You will become famous this month. Your face will be s

"The government needs to set an inquiry immediately so that we Conservatives can discover what 'the truth' is," said a party spokes-Pinocchio. "Sure, we'd like the truth about what was leaked before the Budget. That would be a good start. "But more broadly, we'd be really grateful if a panel of vaguely honest people could explain to us what in the world these words 'the truth' are meant to mean. "Years of serving in a party led by Boris Johnson, helping to explain away his da

After reaching the milestone of one light-day in distance away from Earth, NASA has reluctantly admitted it thinks its ancient spacecraft might not return. At a press conference a sullen and emotional Controller, Todd Verniczek, explained: ‘We at the Voyager Program are ready to accept what we previously could not; that V, Voyager One, is probably not… coming back. ‘We’ve been checking the telemetry every two minutes since 2012 when V entered interstellar space for deviations

The union leader Mick Lynch He won't be giving an inch The Tories made this mess He'll strike until Christmas So, getting a rise is a...

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Families hoping to see Paddington at London’s Savoy Theatre this Christmas are having to pay upwards of one million pounds for a ticket– and that’s for seats with a restricted view. The best seats in the stalls are priced at £1000 each, while the seats at the front of the Dress Circle are selling for £2.4bn each, leading front-of-house staff to dub it Oligarchs’ Row. The much sort after boxes are priced like small countries. Fifteen trillion pounds gets you an unimpeded view,

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'The President is definitely not going to start a war in Venezuela, definitely not going to get bogged down in guerilla combat in the mountains and jungle, definitely not going to see the war to spread into Columbia, definitely not going to divert weapons to that war from Ukraine, definitely not going to use the National Guard to put down anti-war protests, definitely not going to take over Canada, definitely not going to use the chaos as an excuse to delay the US Presidentia

Intrepid Newsbiscuit investigators tracked down the owner of the War Boys, previously Macquarie Group, an investment bank/cult that were the majority owner of Thames water from 2006 to 2017. Immortan Joe was sat on his throne in the corner office of The Citadel in the Australian wasteland, a fortress stronghold containing an aquifer that controls all the water in the surrounding area along with a luxurious golf course and a spa retreat. His financial team of experts were busy

Dazzlingly awful children's Christmas plays are being rehearsed just as parents rehearse their lies about how good the play was and how...