Following a spate of high-level defections to Reform, a senior Conservative frontbencher has said that desperate times call for desperate measures. “At this rate, we’ll have no one left. We're not exactly falling apart but everyone hates us, and we’ve become a complete irrelevance in the political landscape.” He confirmed the bold rebrand from political party to leper colony after external polling showed that 76% of voters were not crossing the road fast enough whenever they

An Oxfordshire JD Weatherspoons is coming under pressure from its early morning customers to ban cooked breakfasts. They say the smell is interfering with their appreciation of fine wines on the drinks list. Ron Miller, a regular customer of The Disingenuous Proprietor, said, 'We have an informal wine appreciation society here and meet at opening time seven days a week to sample the delights of the wines on offer. But in recent months we've noticed the bouquet of what we've t

Does your behaviour contradict your avowed beliefs? Perhaps you are a PM who declares he believes in integrity but delays taking action to enforce it. Maybe you are millionaire who became an MP "to serve the people", but are just helping out yourself and your chums. You may have been in charge of the Exchequer but were unable to monitor your own tax affairs. Are some of your actions described as "careless" rather than deliberate? Despite all available information indicating t

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Nigel Farage is understood to have bought the entire stock of a London disguise shop for his new MPs. He couldn’t do it online as he doesn’t know how to use computers. That’s what he told the Standards Committee, anyway. ‘He’s bought a blonde wig for Suella’, a spokesman told us. ‘Bold choice. The voters will never remember she used to be a Tory. Robert Jenrick will dress up as the Childcatcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. It’s a despised role, but still better than being Ro

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From our correspondent in the snug of the Dirty Duck. 'There is general uproar here, as I text this report. It's Dodgy Dave's birthday, and he's been buying rounds since the pub opened. From what I can hear off the telly, in a surprise move Suella Braverman has been signed up to join Great British Break Off. The 'reality' show where people come to try out half-baked ideas in the Reform tent.  'Recent entrants have been Robert Jenrick with his Blackout Cake. He was unable to r

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For decades, a German accent was the hallmark of a Hollywood villain. More recently posh British has been the go-to elocution for criminal masterminds, with incompetently delivered ‘Middle Eastern’ accents for terrorists. Now there’s a new accent in town. Dumb-as-shit American, slightly muffled through a mask. ‘In many ways they’re a throwback to Westerns’, a film expert told us. That’s a job, apparently. ‘The dark clothing, face partially concealed – what’s missing is a good

An exhausted Boris Johnson is planning to spend a few days holidaying in his Downing Street office, to get some badly needed work-time and recover from the endless cycle of government parties over the past two years. Johnson has been pictured recently, looking drawn and haggard, covered in paper streamers, slumped on a bean bag, holding a plastic cup full of red wine and a half-smoked cigarette. A source said that the Prime Minister needs a short working break to recover from

Those contradictory old proverbs. Often helpful. But also often not so helpful. You know.  On the one hand, ‘if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it’. But on the other hand, ‘a stitch in time saves nine’. So, take your pick! And there’s ‘he who hesitates is lost’, which seems at odds with ‘fools rush in’. And ‘the pen is mightier than the sword’ seems to contradict ‘actions speak louder than words’. What’s that all about? We asked our intrepid correspondents to suggest updated prover

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"I've made a billion dollars off the backs of everyone around me, I've conquered Greenbackland for America, and I am the proud holder of someone else's Nobel Prize," gloated Trump. "But I'm not a great war leader yet, and I deserve to be," he said, watching his minions beat ploughshares into swords and fuel up 500 Minuteman nuclear missiles. "That why I'm going to start World War Three right away, alongside everyone else in my great new Bored of Peace group. "I've got some tr

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President Trump has claimed that he has "ended 5 winters in just 5 years" in a social media post with the title "the president of summer". His latest addition to his list of winters "ended" is the months-long chill between 2025 and 2026. The other four were between 2017 and 2021, in his first term as president. A number of these winters were unusually mild, due to global warming which Trump denies - and one of them had little in the way of cold to end. It is also unclear whet