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Young Kalahari bushmen embarrassed by ‘Dad rain dancing’

For centuries, the Kung bushmen from the deserts of southern Namibia have known what to do if a drought threatened their crops: dance in clockwise circles while improvising harmonic chants on a flat place at the edge of the village to implore the sky gods for rain. Now, unfortunately they are facing both mortification and hunger as an older generation of men with two left feet try to join in.

‘It really is excruciating,’ 19-year-old goat herdsman Mpumpomelo Nujoma told an anthropologist. ‘These 40-something old fools just sit around doing nothing much all year, then when we need rain, there they are shuffling about out of synch, deluding themselves that they are impressing the village girls and the spirits of our ancestors. And considering we live our entire lives stark naked, it just isn’t going to happen, is it?’

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France ends refugee crisis by bombing Syria

With barely 10,000 refugees arriving at the Hungarian border in the last few days, many in the EU were starting to panic that we might run out of dispossessed masses, reasons to vote UKIP or emotive photographs of a child’s abandoned shoe. Fortunately the French government has sprung into action with air strikes in Syria, so as to force the remaining cowering citizens to emigrate using the nearest raft.

NATO members offered their support for the French bombing policy, which had already done such a remarkable job of bringing peace and stability to Iraq before it. In turn the British Prime Minister, David Cameron – who spent much of last year railing against Bashar al-Assad – has now endorsed him as a perfect ‘transitional President’ as Syria transitions from 2016 AD to 2016 BC.

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Spoilt ballots now Greece’s main currency

With an ever dwindling supply of Euros, Athens’ central bank has decided to adopt voting slips as the only commonly used currency within Greece. Now facing a fifth General Election in as many years, the populace are resigned to using a scrap of paper with a ‘oversized cock and balls’ drawn on it, as their only viable legal tender.

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EU fence-making industry booming

With the migrant crisis showing no signs of abating, the EU today reported that the fastest growing industry within its borders is the manufacture of fences.

The news came on the back of reports that both Croatia and Slovenia are considering controls on their borders, similar to the ones implemented by Hungary over the last week. With both Hungary and Bulgaria looking to fences as a method to control the flow into their countries, the news has further bolstered the burgeoning fence industry.

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Hand luggage rescued in British Airways fire drama

Designer clothing, cigarettes, alcohol and souvenirs of Los Angeles were just some of the items rescued from a blazing plane prior to take off. Alighting passengers were trapped inside a burning plane pun; while many of the 170 items of luggage were threatened with smoke damage, having to use Ryanair for their weight allowance or making the baggage carousel look like a rotisserie BBQ.

Terrified passengers managed to ignore safety procedures and normal humanitarian intervention by opening overhead lockers and salvaging personal possessions before taking to the emergency exits.

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