WorldBiscuit
An elite platoon of style journalists, handpicked from the elite ranks of Britain’s top cultural commentators is to be parachuted in to Afghanistan to capture the spirit of the times. US intelligence sources have intimated that the zeitgeist is somewhere in the Tora Bora mountains, although latest satellite images suggest it may have been smuggled into Northern Pakistan or Iran.
The UN Security Council has announced a major tactical shift in the war against Somali pirates today. Highly-trained special ops teams will be deployed deep into the war-torn territory, where armed with projectors and pull-down movie screens they will show a new version of the classic anti-piracy film that British movie fans have sat through at the beginning of every commercially produced DVD for years.
British troops were celebrating yesterday as long awaited supplies reached the front line including cutlasses, muskets, and copious supplies of gunpowder and shot. Several thousand red uniform tunics and white helmets were also received, which an officer said would be a tremendous boost to morale.
Medical supplies included innovations such as chloroform and antiseptic, which are hoped to make amputations more bearable and less dangerous, although their use will initially be limited to the officer class to conserve stocks.
The Vatican is celebrating today after finally capturing Europe’s most notorious condom smuggler in a massive bust at Dublin airport. Francesc ‘Johnny’ Vallejos from Madrid is believed to have spent the past 15 years travelling between countries in Central America, Africa and Europe making thousands of Euros from their Catholic populations in the illegally protected sex trade. But today, with Vallejos behind bars, the Church has declared victory in its War on Prophylactics after an operation conducted with ‘surgical precision’ saw the world’s biggest pipeline for contraband contraceptives ’snipped off at source’.
‘It’s a great day,‘ said Father Constantine of the Vatican’s Marital Advice Squad. ‘There were several times over the years when we thought we’d got our man, but each manoeuvre ended in anticlimax as undercover agents had to pull out at the last minute or risk blowing their cover.’
Organised criminal gangs in South Africa have admitted today that they are at least three months behind schedule in their preparations for the 2010 Football World Cup. The news is a blow to the credibility of the South African government which secured the tournament on a platform of providing unparalleled violence and intimidation to travelling fans, and there are now real fears that some visiting supporters could return home unharmed and still in possession of their wallets.
‘We are committed to delivering a World Cup which will be remembered for its flair, its passion and its high body count,’ said Sports Minister Makhenkesi Stofile today.
