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ISIS opens first effigy superstore

'almost as active as the real thing!'The widely reported perception of ISIS as ‘more sophisticated than your average Jihadi movement’ received a further boost today with the so-called ‘Islamic Caliphate’ opening its first effigy superstore in Mosul under the ‘Effigy Warehouse’ brand.

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Urgent call for cease-ceasefire in Gaza

Israel and Hamas should call a halt to the seemingly endless cycle of damaging ceasefires and return to normal hostilities as soon as possible, a consortium of global arms manufacturers and governments has said.

A group of leading weapons manufacturers and distributors from around the globe has spoken out about the challenges to the industry presented by ‘totally disproportionate’ attempts to resort to peace. ‘How are we supposed to carry on with our work when we don’t know whether they’re bombing each other or temporarily not bombing each other?’ demanded a spokesman. ‘We’ve got families to think about. Ours, not theirs, obviously.’

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Queen to auction off some Commonwealth countries

The Queen has been having a clear out and will be putting some of the Commonwealth up for auction, Buckingham Palace has confirmed.

‘Her Majesty is the first to admit she’s a bit of a hoarder,’ said a Palace spokesman. ‘It wasn’t until she had to sit through the opening ceremony at the Commonwealth Games the other day that she realised she still had half these countries. They’re scattered all over the place, you know. We dust them off every couple of years for a Games or a summit or whatever but it turns out that afterwards they’re just going back into storage and being forgotten about.’

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Russia phones National Bullying Helpline

In the weepy small hours of the weekend, the peoples of the Russian Federation jammed phone lines with complaints of harassment and online bullying by members of the UN. In a week that has seen the Eurasian nation unfairly implicated in the downing of Malaysia Airlines MH17, Moscow officials complained that they had been accused by the US of being ‘fat’, ‘spotty’ and ‘not knowing’ the words to One Direction’s last single.

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US death row prisoners developing resistance to execution

indignitasThe penal system in the US could soon be ‘cast back into the dark ages’ unless action is taken to tackle the growing threat of resistance to execution, experts have said.

In a preliminary report from the US Government, there are clear signs that death row prisoners are developing increasing resistance to methods of execution that used to overcome inmates in a matter of minutes.

Report author, Professor Herbert J Scheckter said: “it used to be that traditional methods such as the electric chair or lethal injections would bring an end pretty quickly. Increasingly though we keep seeing prisoners that last longer and longer. Sooner or later we believe there will be prisoners that are immune to current methods of execution”.

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