NewsBiscuit

The Muslim faith pulled off a massive coup yesterday by signing Jesus Christ from its bitter rival Christianity. The transfer sees the Christians’ pin-up boy end his long association with the Rome outfit and switch to Islam on a Bosman.

‘We’d been looking to strengthen the squad for a while, and this’ll really increase the competition for places,’ said Islam’s manager Allah today. ‘Fair play to him, Jesus has got a lovely touch, especially with the sick and the poor, and I think the lad’s shown that he’s prepared to put the team first. Some say his best years are behind him, but I reckon he’s due a return to form before he hangs up his sandals, and at the end of the day it’ll just be great to have a player of his calibre in and around the dressing room.‘

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The widow of the former Head of State of a small African nation has expressed surprise at the lack of interest from the numerous people she has emailed offering a share of her husband’s millions.

The family of the late King of Fakumba, have apparently sent ‘dozens’ of emails to suitable ‘good and responsible’ people across the UK offering them a share of the fortune, in return for a mere GBP2500. But as of yet, there has been no response.

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Prospective Muslim martyrs are being put off by an apparent shortage of available virgins in the afterlife, claims a new report. Following the attack on the Twin Towers in 2001, suicide bombings on Western interests saw a massive increase in popularity among bored, young Muslim males. This was attributed mainly to the promised attentions of 72 virgin maidens in paradise for the rest of eternity.

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Head of the Catholic Church Pope Benedict XIV has joined with leading evangelical atheist Richard Dawkins to declare that, while they may have their differences, the one thing that ticks them off more than anything else is people who, in a debate on the existence of an omniscient creator against the idea of a universe controlled by immutable scientific laws, will, ‘start getting mystical about life forces, and presence, and trees, for heaven’s sake’.

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A family of four from Seattle, on a camping trip to woods near Capitol Hill, Washington DC are the latest people to see the alleged ‘Joe-Biden’ or ‘Vice-President of the USA’.

The Vice-President, often described as ‘Sasquatch-like’, is described as a large, bipedal humanoid with a well-maintained silver mane believed to inhabit the forests of the Pacific Northwest of North America, and occasionally spotted in downtown Washington DC. Despite its larger than life presence it is said to be utterly harmless and also a ‘warm-hearted fun loving creature’, although a little awkward and prone to occasional gaffes.

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