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Dagenham’s cultural heritage ‘safe in ISIS hands’

Scholars say that Dagenham’s cultural heritage and priceless artefacts are probably safe should the so-called Islamic State (ISIS) one day take control of the town.

‘It’s a great relief to know that Dagenham won’t suffer the same fate as priceless cultural sites in Iraq,’said a spokesman for UNESCO. ’It would amount to another cultural atrocity. We’re particularly concerned about the fate of the historic public toilets around the market place site.’

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Tensions rise as Latvia, Lithuania clash over right to ‘Lexit’

The EU summit in Latvia has descended into acrimony after leaders were unable to agree whose potential exit from the Union would be called what.

The Latvian president Andris Bērziņš refused to accept a demand by his Lithuanian counterpart that if they quit the EU it would be called a Lexit. ‘They’re not even planning to leave,’ Bērziņš complained. ‘I know we aren’t either, but in London they’re planning a Brexit and in Athens a Grexit, so why shouldn’t we also expend lots of pointless hot air about a Lexit here in Riga?’

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Cut-off Nepalese villages still unaware Kate has had girl, say Red Cross

will just have to find something else to keep them occupiedMany remote villages in the worst hit areas of Nepal remain cut off and completely unaware that the Duchess of Cambridge has given birth to a baby girl, according to the International Red Cross. Aid agencies have confirmed that thousands of people in Nepal’s middle hills and isolated western towns have still to be reached by rescue teams and given the news of the Royal baby.

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Libyan cruise company offers ‘no-frills’ cruise to Italy

desperate to get to a better form of corruptionWith the strapline ‘See Naples and die…before you get there’, one Tripoli-based cruise company is reporting a bumper season by tempting hundreds of African tourists to take up the offer of no-frills trips part of the way to the Sicilian coast.

With five questionably seaworthy vessels and a fully refurbished, century-old dhow in its fleet, ‘Ahmed is Your Med Tours’ offers exclusive one-way trips to Sicily and whatever Mediterranean port it can find without the unnecessary expense of fuel or a rudder.

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Voldemort was a ‘beautiful man radicalised by wizard baby’, claims group

bit of a kitten reallyLord Voldemort, now revealed to be former Hogwarts student Tom Riddle, was today described by an advocacy group as a ‘beautiful man’, whose violent actions can be traced back to a ‘long campaign of harassment by the same schoolboy’.

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