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Putin consults Wizzard over Ukraine crisis

Having agreed to meet Elton John to discuss gay rights, the Russian President has laid out a schedule to meet other ‘influential’ 70’s glam rockers to improve his international relations. First on his list will be Roy Wood, ensuring that for the people of the Ukraine it is Christmas is every day; meaning cold, bleak and with the surprise gift of annexation.

A wide range of initiatives will set pulses racing throughout the UN, as Putin himself coordinates foreign policy resplendent in a Suzi Quatro leather jumpsuit. A Kremlin spokesman confirmed: ‘Encouraged by ‘Mott The Hoople’, all the young dudes on board the our Caspian Flotilla will be launching cruise missiles into Syria. While, advised by ‘The Sweet’, every ballroom in Damascus will be blitzed’.

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Hillary Clinton still favourite to present QI

US presidential frontrunner Hillary Clinton remains the overwhelming favourite to win the race to succeed Stephen Fry as presenter of QI, after a sometimes stormy election debate in Chicago last night.

Mrs Clinton appeared on stage alongside her rivals, socialist Bernie Sanders, former Idaho governor Lincoln Chafee, Jack Dee, David Mitchell and Nicholas Parsons. None of the candidates was seen as defeating Mrs Clinton although Mr Sanders delivered some memorable lines and Nicholas Parsons surprised viewers with his principled opposition to air strikes in Syria.

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Young Kalahari bushmen embarrassed by ‘Dad rain dancing’

For centuries, the Kung bushmen from the deserts of southern Namibia have known what to do if a drought threatened their crops: dance in clockwise circles while improvising harmonic chants on a flat place at the edge of the village to implore the sky gods for rain. Now, unfortunately they are facing both mortification and hunger as an older generation of men with two left feet try to join in.

‘It really is excruciating,’ 19-year-old goat herdsman Mpumpomelo Nujoma told an anthropologist. ‘These 40-something old fools just sit around doing nothing much all year, then when we need rain, there they are shuffling about out of synch, deluding themselves that they are impressing the village girls and the spirits of our ancestors. And considering we live our entire lives stark naked, it just isn’t going to happen, is it?’

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France ends refugee crisis by bombing Syria

With barely 10,000 refugees arriving at the Hungarian border in the last few days, many in the EU were starting to panic that we might run out of dispossessed masses, reasons to vote UKIP or emotive photographs of a child’s abandoned shoe. Fortunately the French government has sprung into action with air strikes in Syria, so as to force the remaining cowering citizens to emigrate using the nearest raft.

NATO members offered their support for the French bombing policy, which had already done such a remarkable job of bringing peace and stability to Iraq before it. In turn the British Prime Minister, David Cameron – who spent much of last year railing against Bashar al-Assad – has now endorsed him as a perfect ‘transitional President’ as Syria transitions from 2016 AD to 2016 BC.

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Spoilt ballots now Greece’s main currency

With an ever dwindling supply of Euros, Athens’ central bank has decided to adopt voting slips as the only commonly used currency within Greece. Now facing a fifth General Election in as many years, the populace are resigned to using a scrap of paper with a ‘oversized cock and balls’ drawn on it, as their only viable legal tender.

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