NewsBiscuit

The penal system in the US could soon be ‘cast back into the dark ages’ unless action is taken to tackle the growing threat of resistance to execution, experts have said.

In a preliminary report from the US Government, there are clear signs that death row prisoners are developing increasing resistance to methods of execution that used to overcome inmates in a matter of minutes.

Report author, Professor Herbert J Scheckter said: “it used to be that traditional methods such as the electric chair or lethal injections would bring an end pretty quickly. Increasingly though we keep seeing prisoners that last longer and longer. Sooner or later we believe there will be prisoners that are immune to current methods of execution”.

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The Israeli Knesset has rejected the Gaza peace proposal put forward by US Secretary of State, John Kerry, in favour of a modest 12-hour truce – purposely designed to be long enough for Israeli soldiers to get a good night’s sleep, identify new targets and reload their missiles. A spokesman for Prime Minister Netanyahu has made it clear that what is really needed is a ‘…tabulated program of action to earn public understanding and acceptance’ codenamed ‘Turd Polish’.

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In order to combat the flood of unaccompanied children through its southern states, the US is planning to implement a scheme which bans anyone who still watches ‘Sesame street’, needs help tying their shoe laces or still believes in the tooth fairy. While some fear this might unfairly target Republican nominee Rick Perry, most agree to the rewording of the Statue of Liberty: ‘Give me your tired, your poor…but no one under four foot eight’.

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Middle-east negotiators have told journalists how they hope to broker a ceasefire agreement by reminding both sides that they share a love of Quorn meat-free products.

‘We were desperately trying to come up with some common ground over breakfast yesterday morning,’ explained UN Secretary General Ban Ki-Moon. ‘Just as I was popping a piece of succulent pork sausage into my mouth I suddenly thought, neither the Israelis nor the Palestinians would be able to do that. Then it hit me – they both probably love Quorn sausages instead! They’ve got no pork in them, they’re perfect for both religions.’

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After many decades of strife, violence and corruption culminating in a bloody civil war, it has been decided that the blame for the situation in Iraq is to be formally divided up.

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