WorldBiscuit
Megalomaniac villain Ernest Blofeld has responded vigorously to claims of unsportsmanlike conduct in his treatment of a British agent who penetrated his secret base beneath a volcano in Iceland last week. The agent, unofficially identified as James Bond 007, was immediately executed after being captured by Blofeld’s guards.
Police across several European countries have taken part in a co-ordinated operation to arrest over 40 notorious internet Francophiles.
Operation ‘Dans La Merde’ has been monitoring the activities of suspected Francophiles for the last 18 months, gathering evidence on a number of ringleaders believed to be responsible for running websites dedicated to the trade in sickening photos of historic French landmarks and idyllic rural scenery.
Calls are growing for the execution of Tilikum the orca from SeaWorld, Florida after it emerged that the so-called ‘killer whale’ had a previous homicide conviction.
‘The whale should fry’ said one Republican demonstrator outside the famous theme park, ‘He’s just a cold-blooded murderer. Oh no, warm blooded, it’s sharks who are cold blooded isn’t it?’
Major delays caused by terrorists being stopped by airport security could be a thing of the past following the introduction of self-scan check-in for international terrorist organisations.
Under the new system, terrorists can walk into a full body scanner that will identify their cause, their mission and what kind of explosives they are carrying. At this stage the machine issues them with a boarding pass. ‘Admittedly the self scan system does rely on the terrorists being honest and handing themselves in,’ said Home Secretary Alan Johnson, ‘but I am told that most of them are pretty devout.’
The Muslim faith pulled off a massive coup yesterday by signing Jesus Christ from its bitter rival Christianity. The transfer sees the Christians’ pin-up boy end his long association with the Rome outfit and switch to Islam on a Bosman.
‘We’d been looking to strengthen the squad for a while, and this’ll really increase the competition for places,’ said Islam’s manager Allah today. ‘Fair play to him, Jesus has got a lovely touch, especially with the sick and the poor, and I think the lad’s shown that he’s prepared to put the team first. Some say his best years are behind him, but I reckon he’s due a return to form before he hangs up his sandals, and at the end of the day it’ll just be great to have a player of his calibre in and around the dressing room.‘
