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Dry January means not washing for a month

Harry Redmond (36) insisted that January would be the smelliest of all months, with not a drop touching lips or any other part of his body. His aim is to detox all the harmful soap particles from his body.


'I just feel healthier wrapped in an extra layer of dirt. And I tend to find I get alot more space to myself, particularly downwind.


'No one speaks about the dangers of bathing in the winter months. 50% of hospital admissions are down to people slipping on the soap.'


Asked he minded the smell, Harry replied: 'Not at all, I'm too drunk to notice.'




First published 9 Jan 2023


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Best of Newsbiscuit - January 2024


January 2024...


That TV program about the Post Office catapulted the story into the news, almost wiping out speculation about the date of the general election. Sunak tried to raise his profile, and lower Boris’s. Starmer continued to lie low and not say anything to frighten the voters. Water companies continued to muddy the waters over, err, muddy water. Small boats continued to bring people across the channel. You might notice that there are no stories about the various wars that were going on - always a difficult topic for jokes.


Here’s a personal selection of the top stories from January 2024, loosely organised by topic. Click through to read the stories and the author credits. Scroll down to see our pick of the month’s best headlines.


Migration

General Election


Media and TV


Politics


Post Office


Water Companies


Religion



And a selection of the best headlines from January 2024


Some of these are topical and some are just silly. And many of the headlines, for some reason, seem to be about the Royal Family. So, no New Year honours for us, then...


Silver Spoon responsible for King's enlarged prostate  

Dog with two dicks, "quite happy" says vet 

Tories to employ Luke Littler to show them how to actually hit targets

All BBC programmes to include a tightrope-walker, for balance

Dodgy batch of underlay swept under the carpet

Drunk Olympics to include hurling for the first time

Man who found plane parts in his garden thought it was a delivery for next door

Man who wanted tablet for Xmas unhappy to get an aspirin   

Man says the 2 birds in the bush were better than the one in his hand

Wales’ biggest employer says Tata

Guitar school found to be institutionally bassist

Epstein fingered Andrew

Darts fans shocked at teenage boy has well honed wrist action

Florida adopts execution by Helium to "lighten the atmosphere"

Post Office scandal: Met Police investigate now that it's been on telly

Hasbro say five year wait for Operation is down to 14 years of Tory government

Northern rhinos saved from extinction by feeding them pies, chips and gravy

Pub football team hit with massive pints deduction       

Blunt pencil collection just pointless

Man who fell into an infinity pool says it took him forever to get out

Vwl thf stll t lrg



Image credit: Wix AI

Livers 'missing us already'




With Dry January soon to be a thing of the past, livers up and down the country are bracing for a very, very Wet February.  'It's all very well our owners abstaining from alcohol after sobering up on the 4th or 5th of January, but it inevitably leads to trepidation in the liver world,' said a spokes-liver today. 


'At first it is rather nice to only have to filtrate tea and coffee, to purify relatively clean blood etc, but to be fair it gets a little humdrum for those of us used to battling constantly seven nights a week against the hard stuff.  Then there is the deconditioning - by the end of the Christmas break we're Premier League match fit, but by the start of February we start getting palpitations thinking about the first slug of the evening, or afternoon, or breakfast as some Wetherspoon regulars call it.


'Then some of us start to get nervous, feeling fear as the day approaches.  Some doctors diagnose this at the DTs, as if it is withdrawal, but it's a mix of under-confidence mixed with excitement - will it be a low ABV beer or a full throttle whisky?  Cocktails, shots, a bottle of red or a swift half followed by a snifter.  Or maybe all of the above mixed in a two-pint jug and sunk in one gulp,' said the spokes-liver with its liver-fingers crossed.


'You'll have to excuse me,' the spokes-liver said, 'I've just learned that I'm twice the size of a normal liver.  That's good news for my human, because he does like to drink rather a lot.'


Photo by Amie Johnson on Unsplash

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