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North Korea behind all one star reviews

'Hollywood, un pointe'In a state-sanctioned policy, North Korea has decided to undermine Western Civilisation by leaving ‘bitchy’ reviews for all media products. Having successfully forced Sony Pictures to delay the release of their movie ‘The Interview’, North Korean hackers are set to turn their sights on undermining all we hold dear; such as the Twilight franchise, the novels of Dan Brown and the musical genius that is Justin Bieber.

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X-Factor panel to be replaced by actual judges

'You didn't own that song. Give it back.'In an effort to combat accusations of bias amongst the celebrity judging panel in the forthcoming high-profile final of the X-Factor, the current panel will be replaced by a more traditional panel of judges.

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Turner Prize to be ‘artist-free’

a worthy winner next year: the most important work since 'Dunk' from 1983From next year, works which come with an artist’s name attached will be disqualified from the prestigious contemporary art prize’s selection process. Instead, judges will concentrate on works that have not been made by artists.

‘The very idea of artists has now been totally discredited by new and exciting works like ‘James Milner’s Shin Pads’,’ explained chief Judge Mike Smythe. ‘These exist free of the bourgeois taint of personality cult. No formal ‘artist’ has been involved, strictly speaking.’

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Scotland to be allowed to choose their own plot directions in EastEnders

'it ain't wurf it'In yet another concession towards Scottish nationalists, Westminster has announced that from Summer 2015 Holyrood will be able to take control of plot and character development in the version of EastEnders broadcast in Scotland.

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‘Grand Designs’ house constructed entirely out of forgotten Christmas puddings

owners 'couldn't build another thing'In one of the most ambitious self-building projects to date ‘Grand Designs’ presenter Kevin McCloud has revealed the first house to be constructed entirely out of forgotten Christmas puddings.

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