Streets around the Shard skyscraper in the City of London have been cordoned off after reports of a 32 year old office worker standing on the 48th floor window ledge threatening to jump unless every single one of his 290 Facebook friends promises to stop sending unsolicited invitations to play Candy Crush Saga.
Channel 4 has announced its Spring schedule today, confirming that viewers will be treated to a unique documentary that explores the struggle to gain wider acceptance between those afflicted with Serious Political Influence (SPI), and ‘regular people’.
Radio 4 bosses have been summoned to the Foreign Office to answer questions following accusations of ‘rampant’ and ‘illegal’ colonisation of desert islands. Pacific island leaders have delivered a joint complaint to Foreign Secretary, William Hague in an attempt to halt the migration of potty professors, faded celebrities and unknown academics to hundreds of uninhabited islands in Micronesia and other areas of the Pacific.
What began as a series of barely audible warning noises, has quickly become a front runner for the prestigious music prize in the UK, the Brit Awards. Having recently been painted black by its stylist, starred in an obligatory sex tape with Robin Thicke, Beeping Smoke Alarm (BSA) is set to be the most downloaded act of 2014 ‘once Dad has found the stepladder’.
Although, ironically, it has been nominated for Best Newcomer at the 2014 Brits, BSA has been quietly gathering dust in the spare bedroom for the last two years. It only came to the attention of talent scouts after its heavy duty battery ‘gave up the ghost’, creating a whole new sound that has sent clubbers into ecstasy.