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Tesco simplifies range to include just chicken nuggets and fags

In a bid to compete with foreign budget supermarkets and lure back shoppers, new Tesco Boss Dave Lewis is planning to simplify the range and offer just Chicken Nuggets and Fags in most stores.

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Enoch Powell Pound Shop to close

'easing the economic burden of immigration' since 1968Launched as an experiment to see if mild racism might reverse the effects of the recession, the stores stocked a large number of budget patriotic trinkets and cleaning products, such as Union Jack dishcloths, porcelain bulldogs and 100% pure white spirit.

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Waitrose to go door-to-door making people cry in ‘targeted’ Christmas campaign

This child is later shown being sent back down t'pitWaitrose have announced that they are eschewing the traditional TV Christmas ad campaign; instead, they have unveiled ‘(an) individually-tailored campaign of lachrymosity.’

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‘Money spent on Rosetta could have bailed one of us out’, moan banks

10 years to blow £1.1 billion? Hopeless!Despite costing a meagre £1.1bn and possibly changing the course of human civilisation as we know it, the banking community has been quick to dismiss the Rosetta Space Mission as a ‘frivolous boondoggle’.

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Everyone now officially an artisan

rustic professionalism, everywhereFollowing the revelation that printers, blacksmiths, cigar pen makers and even quilt rack makers have joined bakers, butchers and cheese makers in using the term ‘artisan’, experts have ruled that absolutely anyone is free to claim to be one. The only conditions are that they have to be unemployed marketing graduates and are not funneling over a thousand tonnes a day of cement powder and cows’ vaginas into a mixer and hoping for the best.

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