NewsBiscuit

Professor Richard Dawkins has once again courted controversy by questioning the long-established view, held by many, that helpful banking really does exist. Arguing against examples of homes being purchased with bank money ‘at the going rate’, Dawkins has asserted that there is absolutely no way in a sustainable model of life on earth that the concept of really good financial deals was anything more than the ‘product of deranged minds’ which simply fool far too many people into imagining that their entire existence, and that 27 inch HD TV in the living room, are viable, somehow righteous, and gifted from higher beings.

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The bonfire set up at the UK treasury to celebrate Guy Fawkes night could burn for weeks if not months, insiders have revealed. The party, held in the basement, is a traditionally festive occasion with lots of Punch and Judy going on and massive fireworks when Gordon Brown gets told he can’t have another sparkler.

‘It’s wonderful isn’t it,’ said Chancellor Alistair Darling, basking in the warm glow of the fire, ‘we’ve been scooping up lots and lots of cash in preparation and were supposed to burn it all in one go. Then Mervyn turns up with another £25 billion in hundreds of wheelbarrows and now it’ll probably keep going till Christmas.’

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Latest figures released today from the kidnapping sector show no signs of recovery, as hostage-takers around the world reported further drops in the market rates for hostage release. ‘Trouble is, it’s a ransom-payers’ market,’ said sOmEOnE yOu dON’t WaNT tO mESs wiTh, who used to kidnap to order on behalf of terrorist organisations, but picked a bad time to go freelance last year.

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The Health & Safety Executive (HSE) has signed a multi-million-pound deal permitting product placement on emergency signs in public places from January 2010. The new rules will mean that companies will be able to see their brands on emergency and hazard signs on roads and public buildings, and in official guidance for health and safety risk situations.

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Telecoms giant BT has admitted that it had its own phones disconnected in 1998 because of nuisance calls from customers. The company’s extraordinary admission came after a team of disgruntled business users worked round the clock in shifts for four days to negotiate BT’s automated call handling system but failed to get through to an adviser.

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