NewsBiscuit

The newly appointed chief of the Co-Op Bank, Ursula Lidbetter, has hinted at an ‘exciting and lucrative’ change of direction for the business. At a hastily convened press conference the new Chief Executive, who gave her name only as “Heisenberg”, praised the spirit of mutuality on which the bank has always been based, which meant that customers would now be offered the innovative range of personal solutions that every other High Street Bank and their executives are currently keeping to themselves.

Products on offer include reasonable mortgages, competitive interest on savings and ‘Pure White’ and ‘Crystal Blue’ in small, neatly and discreetly branded packages at very competitive prices.

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A man described as a ‘twat in a senior management position, wearing a drecky Marks & Spencer two piece and light blue stay-pressed shirt (but, as if to claw desperately at the last remaining tendril of his humanity, without a tie)’ yesterday used the words ‘Robust and Rigorous’ one time too many and was found bludgeoned in front of a Powerpoint presentation featuring some crappy clip art of a stick figure with a light bulb over its head.

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E.On is experimenting with fresh coffee. British Gas is going for lemon zest. And N-Power invites you to a field of lilacs. In the ever competitive world of energy pricing, gas companies are enhancing their already very different brand identities with their own specially branded aromas.

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‘By the end of this week expect counter staff to mutter fractiously under their breaths, give wrong information and refuse to give small change, with much longer waits for telephone banking by the end of the year,’ said Laker Smythe, the Co-op’s new Chief Executive. He also announced that a growing number of call centre operators will start adopting outrageous fake Indian accents next month, though all the bank’s call centres are currently in the UK. For those waiting to talk to a customer service person, Vivaldi’s Four Seasons will be played by Rochdale Middle School Orchestra, labelled by Ofsted as ‘failing’. In Spring 2014 a recorded voice will tell waiting customers ‘Your call is of waning importance to us.’

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The Managing Director of British Gas, Ian Peters, has today confirmed plans to ‘remove’ a record number of adorable grandparents in the lead-up to Christmas. His vision is that the plans will rid his home town and beyond of the aged, which he believes will make roads ‘less hazardous’, ‘shorten the queues’ in his local Post Office, and remove the ‘annoying obligation’ he has to visit his mother on Christmas Day.

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