BusinessBiscuit
E.On is experimenting with fresh coffee. British Gas is going for lemon zest. And N-Power invites you to a field of lilacs. In the ever competitive world of energy pricing, gas companies are enhancing their already very different brand identities with their own specially branded aromas.
‘By the end of this week expect counter staff to mutter fractiously under their breaths, give wrong information and refuse to give small change, with much longer waits for telephone banking by the end of the year,’ said Laker Smythe, the Co-op’s new Chief Executive. He also announced that a growing number of call centre operators will start adopting outrageous fake Indian accents next month, though all the bank’s call centres are currently in the UK. For those waiting to talk to a customer service person, Vivaldi’s Four Seasons will be played by Rochdale Middle School Orchestra, labelled by Ofsted as ‘failing’. In Spring 2014 a recorded voice will tell waiting customers ‘Your call is of waning importance to us.’
The Managing Director of British Gas, Ian Peters, has today confirmed plans to ‘remove’ a record number of adorable grandparents in the lead-up to Christmas. His vision is that the plans will rid his home town and beyond of the aged, which he believes will make roads ‘less hazardous’, ‘shorten the queues’ in his local Post Office, and remove the ‘annoying obligation’ he has to visit his mother on Christmas Day.
A market research interview to ascertain attitudes to the deli-counter staple ‘green eggs and ham’ was today condemned by its sole participant.
Customers were left confused and upset this week after Amazon.com’s famous ‘Amazon recommends…’ function was adjusted by the site’s designers to be more frank with their consumers.
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