A school for wizards has become the second free school to be closed down in a week. Hogwarts, a publicly funded but independently run free school, was ordered to close after Ofsted inspectors found live animals running free, students experimenting with dangerous plants, bullying at an unacceptable level, ghosts being used as teaching assistants without any CRB checks and students playing the game Quidditch without the appropriate safety equipment.
1950’s stereotypes everywhere have given a ringing endorsement to Education Secretary Michael Gove’s plans to extend the Common Entrance Exam to state schools in an attempt to disabuse “uppity oiks” of any misguided aspirations towards higher education they may have been allowed to foster.
After the delivery of a ministerial attaché case containing an 11lb tuna to the headquarters of Ofsted, it has been hinted by sources at the Department of Education that the Chair of Ofsted, Labour Peer Baroness Morgan ‘Ain’t gonna be around no more, capisce?’
Sauron, the Dark Lord of Dol Guldur, whose eye falls like a pestilence upon the peoples of Middle Earth, is reported to be ‘Spitting black bile’ at reports leaked by advisers at the department of Education, critcising his rule of Mordor for being ‘too Orc-Centred’ and ‘trapped in 60′s Orthodoxies’.
Schoolchildren up and down Britain are still struggling to come to terms with the acclaim accorded to Malala Yousafzai, a Pakistani school pupil and activist blogger who was shot in the head by the Taliban in 2011 for campaigning for girls’ education rights. They have unanimously agreed that her conduct is ‘well rank’ and that she should have been grateful not to have to sit through double Maths every Tuesday morning.
Malala’s courage and determination has earned her acclaim all over the world. Since her miraculous survival, she has been instrumental in the ratification of Pakistan’s first Right to Education Bill, was named one of Time Magazine’s ’100 Most Influential People in the World’ and was nominated for the 2013 Nobel Peace Prize among many other things. However, British teenagers have dismissed all this as ‘totally gay’.