NewsBiscuit

Staff at St Mary’s infant school in Stoke Newington were left divided at the school’s Halloween party as to whether the pathetic attempt at Halloween fancy dress from 6-year-old Jamie Whittam was due to his parents obviously not caring enough about him and his status in the school, or whether they are actually just poor.

‘When Jamie arrived at school, I assumed the large cardboard box that had once contained a washing machine was being used to carry an elaborate costume’, explained Winnie Forbes, Jamie’s teacher, ‘but he then pointed to the large spooky face drawn in biro on the machine door and told me the box WAS the costume and he’d come as a haunted washer-dryer’.

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After a school career that saw him battling with dementors, basilisks and death-eaters, boy wizard Harry Potter has confessed that he is struggling to get to grips with his undergraduate degree in Business IT at Lampeter. ‘It’s just all a bit of an anti-climax,’ said Potter, who found a place at the Welsh university through clearing after UCAS refused to acknowledge his Defence Against Dark Arts O.W.L.

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Inhabitants from all over the star system were celebrating last night after it emerged that Yoda had overcome his demons and passed an exam in GCSE English. The pint-sized Jedi had long struggled to formulate sentences properly, meaning that he had failed the test aimed at 16 year olds no less than 728 times.

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15-year-old Darren Pilkinton today described himself as ‘mortified’ after accidentally allowing a rubber prophylactic to slip from his wallet while queuing at the school tuck-shop with most of his male friends.

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This year’s end of term disco at Caniston St. Xerxes secondary school will receive substantial funding after the Department for Children, Schools and Families (DCSF) issued a ‘statement of intent’ to grant it academy status. Under the City Academy plan, this end-of-year event will receive £37m in funding to become the Caniston St. Xerxes Academy for Dance and Social Interaction.

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