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"Summer is known to bring the risk of infection from the cryptosporidium parasite, flatworms and ticks," said a spokes-stephoscope for the Brutish Summertime Medical Association. "But a new parasite has evolved which is a million times more malignant than any of those. "We call it the Purecoldrage parasite. It thrives by sucking up all the anger, bile and hatred which lurks inside the minds of Britain's most grumpy people and then releasing it into the general population in m

Washington has finally found a way around the problem of the embarrassing number of octogenarians jostling to become the next resident of the White House. With assistance from the American Kennel Club, each geriatric candidate has been assigned a new canine age. Congressman Winthrop Stoad III of Georgia, 94, has just entered the contest as a 31-year-old. 'It helps people forget that I've been in Congress since 1948 and voted for Jim Crow laws right through the 1950s,' he expl

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After the disappointment there will be no Christmas Dr Who Special this year, there's a renewed buzz within the Whovian community following news Steven Spielberg has his sights set on making the fourth big screen outing for the the Poundland Sci-fi icon. Speaking at a publicity event in London where he's promoting his current blockbuster, Disclosure Day, the ET Supremo told members of the press. 'I'm really excited to be getting a crack at this and can announce we've now secu

Donald Trump is talking up the advantages of America's massive debts. The US national debt is 39 trillion dollars, mostly borrowed from other countries. And the debt continues to get bigger, as government spending rises and the tax take fails to keep up. The President said, 'Owing so much money gives the USA a massive advantage. Other countries must be very nice to us, or we might not pay the money back.' The President appears to overlook the issue of debt repayment. The US d

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BoJo has made approximately 148 new policy announcements, one of each of the Tory MPs who think he's unfit for office. An early draft of the so-called 'benefits-to-bricks' scheme would have seen benefit claimants paid directly in bricks and then invited to build their own house. Labour spokeswoman Jodie Johnstone said 'House prices are spiralling upwards and the Tories have made sure that benefits are spiralling downwards. You'd need to be in an Escher painting to make that w

Ash trays are at half-mast as the art world mourns the passing of one its finest and most innovative smokers, David Hockney, who has died at the age of 88. He died at home his publicist said, one cigarette short of his 89th that day. As a smoker Hockney always went his own way, famously rejecting a knighthood for services to tobacco and sticking to his quiet habit when others chose healthier routes. In 2018, one of his swimming pool paintings, 'Portrait of an Artist', sold fo

To enter the competition sign up to our Writer's Room - and add your entry here https://newsbiscuit.proboards.com/board/5/caption-competition The closing date will be Friday night or when our Editor 'gets their arse into gear'. The winner will be selected in a frustratingly arbitrary and capricious way. The Judge’s verdict is final and has probably been influenced by bribery. Late entries will be late. The winning caption will be posted and preserved on Newsbiscuit, with t

The Government proposes that most kids should make active travel plans, while the others need to pass their driving license sharpish. Guidance includes strapping several lunchboxes to their feet to reach the pedals — the heavier the sandwiches, the safer the braking. A Minister explained, "We will provide child-friendly routes, by attaching a small bell to the bonnet that rings louder the closer they get to doing something ill-advised. We'll install unnecessary buttons that c

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