A recent study in the European Journal of Sports Sciences concludes the majority of students do not wash, yet the same students would happily start if the European Journal of Sports Sciences would stop ‘creeping them out’. The same teenagers admit that the main causes of self-consciousness in the shower were body self-image, duelling banjos or someone called Big Gonzo telling you to ‘pick up the soap’.
Boko Haram, the Islamist movement opposed to Western education, has joined forces with Mumsnet to criticise GCSE coursework requirements. Abubakar Shekau, leader of Boko Haram, took part in an online debate yesterday where he slated Department of Education guidelines and called for a boycott of GCSE coursework in non-core subjects, as well as the establishment of a global caliphate and the wholesale slaughter of infidels.
The nation’s university students are said to be ‘overjoyed’ to have escaped the oppression and abject tedium of government-funded piss-ups and sexual exploration and returned home to the exciting, argument-free households of their parents for the festive season.
Labour’s education spokesman, Tristram Hunt has announced plans to make private schools’ tax breaks conditional on being a lot more patronising towards state schools. ‘Some independent schools are already being extremely patronising and we welcome that, but if the sector as a whole is dodging tax to the tune of £165 million a year they must elucidate why they think they’re totally superior in every possible way.’
Michael Gove has announced he’ll hand responsibility for all child abuse to private companies like G4S, Atos and Serco. Mr Gove told the media it was ‘inappropriate and wrong’ for past child abuse to be largely the responsibility of public bodies like the BBC, state-run care homes, the NHS and Liberal MP Cyril Smith.’
The Education Secretary said: ‘At a time of economic challenge it’s crucial we don’t leave child abuse to Labour-supporting BBC celebrities who are paid millions of pounds by licence fee payers. Even some religious institutions are claiming state funding for their special kind of hurting of children. Equally, the cost of child abuse in local authority and other state-provided institutions has got out of hand. That’s why teachers in Free Schools will have a freer hand in this respect. One simple form of abuse will be to deny children in Free Schools free school meals.’