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SchoolBiscuit

Gove to privatise child abuse

'why should the state sector have all the fun?'Michael Gove has announced he’ll hand responsibility for all child abuse to private companies like G4S, Atos and Serco. Mr Gove told the media it was ‘inappropriate and wrong’ for past child abuse to be largely the responsibility of public bodies like the BBC, state-run care homes, the NHS and Liberal MP Cyril Smith.’

The Education Secretary said: ‘At a time of economic challenge it’s crucial we don’t leave child abuse to Labour-supporting BBC celebrities who are paid millions of pounds by licence fee payers. Even some religious institutions are claiming state funding for their special kind of hurting of children. Equally, the cost of child abuse in local authority and other state-provided institutions has got out of hand. That’s why teachers in Free Schools will have a freer hand in this respect. One simple form of abuse will be to deny children in Free Schools free school meals.’

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Boom in meth labs blamed on unsuccessful teachers’ strike

A sharp rise in the production of the highly addictive stimulant crystal methamphetamine on the UK’s streets has been directly blamed on last week’s national teachers’ strike today, which unions deemed largely unsuccessful.

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Superhero training school to be given academy status

to Peckham, and beyond...!The Department for Education has decided to give academy status to a newly established school that will turn out the British superheroes of the future.

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50′s stereotypes welcome reintroduction of Common Entrance Exam

so much better then1950’s stereotypes everywhere have given a ringing endorsement to Education Secretary Michael Gove’s plans to extend the Common Entrance Exam to state schools in an attempt to disabuse “uppity oiks” of any misguided aspirations towards higher education they may have been allowed to foster.

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Ofsted Chair ‘sleeps with the fishes’

received a better offer he couldn't refuseAfter the delivery of a ministerial attaché case containing an 11lb tuna to the headquarters of Ofsted, it has been hinted by sources at the Department of Education that the Chair of Ofsted, Labour Peer Baroness Morgan ‘Ain’t gonna be around no more, capisce?’

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