SchoolBiscuit
Instead of learning French and German, children will instead be taught to speak slowly and loudly, as if the listener were a particularly stupid person who is also a little hard of hearing.
‘All candidates need to do is glare menacingly at a pensioner whilst wearing a hoodie.’
A-level students have expressed shock and disappointment after being denied the chance to excitedly jump up and down live on TV as they receive their results, following a BBC decision to re-broadcast video of last year’s pupils instead.
‘We simply cannot afford to go out and film yet more students jumping up and down,’ said BBC Director of News Helen Boaden, ‘Every year it’s the same. Two of them do really well and say, ‘Oh my God! Oh my God! I can’t believe it,’ while the other one looks a bit disappointed but puts on a brave face for the cameras.’
16-year-old school leaver Darren Morgan has insisted that being dropped off by his dad at his high school prom night in a 2003 Vauxhall Vectra was an ironic post-modern protest against today’s trend for conspicuous consumption, and not due to the fact that Mr. Morgan snr. had been laid off several months ago and couldn’t afford to hire a stretch limo.
‘Am I the only one here who has not fallen victim to American consumerism?’ Morgan asked his fellow pupils during the award ceremony at the Caniston St. Xerxes High School prom, where he was awarded the ‘Pupil Most Likely to End Up on Benefits’ award. ‘You and your elongated Ferraris, Rollers and Caddies are simply fuelling an unsustainable fashion for glitz and glamour – don’t you see how transient it all is? By having my dad drop me off proves that I’m the only genuine person here. The fact that we ran out of petrol and I had to push for the last hundred metres only makes my statement all the more real.’
Education Secretary Michael Gove has announced that in the future all new schools will be built and maintained by the pupils. ‘This is what I mean by ‘free schools,’ he said, ‘the kids build them and it doesn’t cost us a penny.’ Mr Gove announced that from September every school pupil in England and Wales will be issued with a hammer, some nails and a pot of paint.
‘Obviously we want them to do a good job,’ said Mr Gove, ‘which is why I have set up a range of ‘Building Academies’ in which the kids will get basic training in woodwork, bricklaying and plastering. The brighter kids can have a go at architecture while the thicker ones can focus on wolf-whistling and showing their bottoms to passers by.’
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