Amidst concerns over failing educational standards, it was announced today that the GCSE is to be replaced by a Hunger Games-style contest, in which 16-year-olds will exchange statutory secondary school qualifications for a gladiatorial fight to the death. It is hoped that the new measures will not only improve unemployment statistics in the 16+ demographic, but also combat teenage obesity, pregnancy and undue dependence on Candy Crush Saga.
Scores of rubbish Media Studies degrees around the country are facing closure, according to the lecturers’ union NOPULU (Not Proper University Lecturers’ Union). The warning follows new figures from UCAS, which show the lucrative ‘crap sector’ of higher education in sharp decline following the rise in tuition fees.
‘With student houses you have at least four sets of laptops, iPhones and a fair bit of ready cash in each house, protected only by a front door that they’re probably too stoned to lock,’ said a spokesburglar. ‘If there aren’t any students, how are we going to make an honest living?’