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GCSEs to be replaced by Hunger Games

streaming at its bestAmidst concerns over failing educational standards, it was announced today that the GCSE is to be replaced by a Hunger Games-style contest, in which 16-year-olds will exchange statutory secondary school qualifications for a gladiatorial fight to the death. It is hoped that the new measures will not only improve unemployment statistics in the 16+ demographic, but also combat teenage obesity, pregnancy and undue dependence on Candy Crush Saga.

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Pointless Media Studies degree courses facing closure, warn under-achieving academics

silly hat industry also under threatScores of rubbish Media Studies degrees around the country are facing closure, according to the lecturers’ union NOPULU (Not Proper University Lecturers’ Union). The warning follows new figures from UCAS, which show the lucrative ‘crap sector’ of higher education in sharp decline following the rise in tuition fees.

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Gove gives go-ahead for Fagin Free School

Following a successful application to the Department of Education, the Fagin Free School, will open in the London Borough of Walthamstow next September.

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New logo for English Baccalaureates raises fears they ‘could be bought’

excellent grades available in the sale, starting 2017

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Burglars call for cuts in tuition fees as student numbers fall

will pay it all back when they start earning £20k a year‘With student houses you have at least four sets of laptops, iPhones and a fair bit of ready cash in each house, protected only by a front door that they’re probably too stoned to lock,’ said a spokesburglar. ‘If there aren’t any students, how are we going to make an honest living?’

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