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Their agent said: 'The was a lot of initial excitement over their first publication, but that soon died down, once everyone realised the Complete Works of Shakespeare had already been done. The following book tour was criticised as being a disorderly mess, like a chimps' tea party - which is a bit harsh on the Mandrills in the group'. One disillusioned monkey remarked: 'It took a while to get the creative juices flowing but once we discovered Grammarly we really kicked on. It

While the government has worked hard to reduce the amount of foreigners entering the country by boat, plane and bus replacement service, the real problem is the increase in Oblivions. 'Superficially they look like us, speak like us and are seemingly embedded in our culture,' said a government spokesman today, 'but they hunt in packs, taking non-oblivions down every day,' he added. Oblivions walk around supermarkets, stopping suddenly or turning without notice in front of othe

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Accusations of misconduct by co-owner, David Sullivan, has created horrendous double meanings for the team. 'I'm forever blowing bubbles' is less of a chant, more of a witness statement. Despite denials, Sullivan's claret and blue handsy armsy is cause of much gossip. Claimed one season ticket holder, "The Championship will be as a difficult to get out as a Sullivan clinch." Loyal fans still yell, 'Come on you Irons!', while his lawyer quickly countered, 'Come on who? My clie

'I urge Labour not to replace me as leader with anyone like Burnham or Streeting until they seriously compare their abilities to solve Britain's problems with my own,' droned Sir Keir. 'I have an amazing talent," he continued to mumble, nasally. "I can sit opposite a hardened teetotaller and talk to them and within two minutes they're wondering whether 10 am is an OK time to start drinking. 'Within ten minutes, they are well and truly comatose. 'That's how I have been able to

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PM Boris Johnson – proof that you can achieve anything if you’re rich, white and male enough – has inspired others to draw lines under things and move on. Shelley Stevenson told partner Youssef Younis ‘Sorry babes, I’ve been shagging your brother, now let’s draw a line under this and move on.’ A heartbroken Younis choked back tears as he replied ‘Well, in fairness I have gambled away our savings, car and house. Now let’s draw a line under this and move on.’ Tory intern Henry

The phrase 'carriages at midnight' on the bottom of a wedding invitation does actually mean you should order your own cab at the end of the evening's festivities, it has been confirmed. The news ends intense speculation from recipients of wedding invites everywhere that they might be welcomed by a fleet of lavish, 19th century horse-drawn transportation with gold-leaf trimmings, welcomed by an army of fawning footmen, at the end of the wedding reception at a provincial hotel,

Clacton toddler, Wayne Jenkins, has been shortlisted for the 2027 FIFA Peace Prize. Rachel Meadon has been a babysitter for Wayne and speaking from her hospital bed, Ms Meadon issued the statement, "My god, that little ****?" FIFA president, Gianni Infantino, explained the decision. "Our first thought was to give it to Donald Trump again but in the long tradition of the peace prize, no one has received it twice. So we spread the net a bit wider and we discovered on a childcar

According to the DVSA, 3.2% of test bookings are missed, but some inept drivers do better by not turning up. Explained Charlie (17), 'Parallel parking becomes irrelevant if you refuse to acknowledge parallels. There are no minor faults if there is no corporeal foot touching the pedal.' One Instructor explained, 'It's not for everyone and this way the car remains in a pristine, Schrödinger’s clutch state. You also avoid the existential horror of a roundabout entirely. You neve

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