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Santa to sue all householders who fail to display correct allergen info on mince pies

can't go on for another 2000 years like thisSanta Claus has said he will be suing billions of householders this year if they fail to supply him with food and drink without clearly displaying the correct allergy information. New EU laws came into effect this month that require anyone providing food to be able to supply information about the ‘14 everyday allergens’. That is to protect those in the UK that have severe reaction to certain things including nuts, soya, dairy, fish, horse, immigrants and queue jumping.

‘Over the last twelve months I have been self-diagnosed with a fashionable form of gluten intolerance’, Mr Claus said. ‘This has meant I have had to avoid bread, pastries and almost certainly mince bloody pies. I’m sure one or two would be fine, but I consumed billions of the buggers last year and not one was correctly labelled. At least now there’s a law that means I can sue their inconsiderate arses. As a result of their allergen ignorance, I had a severe allergic reaction last time and put on about 260 stone.’

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Stopping torture not yet on US’s New Year resolution list

Might take a run on 1st Jan to burn some fat insteadDespite years of promising to cut back on excessive water-boarding binges, the US is reluctant to add torture to its list of ‘Do Nots’ for 2015. Like most people in January, the CIA’s counter-terrorism unit was expected to give up on auditory abuse, sleep deprivation and chocolate. Current US resolutions include not employing Piers Morgan, not supporting affordable health care and not shooting black teenagers, although the last point is more of a guideline than a resolution.

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Clinton looking forward to ‘a massive cigar’

might still smoke it out in that quiet little room with no cameras...Former President Bill Clinton has greeted with delight the news that Americans might be allowed to import Cuban cigars legally after President Obama announced plans to normalise relations between the two countries. ‘I have had some enormous cigars in the past,’ he told the Washington Post. ‘As a young man these were totally huge. Many of my friends and colleagues will remember just how big these totally legal large cylindrical male-oriented objects were.’

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Torturers and torture victims to be tortured until they tell truth about torture

truth will out, with a bit of help...After revelations that the CIA used ‘enhanced interrogation techniques’ to torture prisoners, it has emerged that British forces may have to be tortured to see if they admit to having taken part in similar practices after 9/11 and during recent Middle East wars. The army believes that, unpalatable though it is, this may be the only way to the truth.

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Father Christmas bemoans zero hours contract

exclusivity deal means he can't work anywhere elsePopular present delivery service Father Christmas has called on the Government to do more to prevent the use of controversial zero hours contracts. ‘Don’t get me wrong,’ he explained, ‘it’s better than being unemployed, but I just have to wait around all year waiting for the call to say they’ve got some work for me. Did you know, I’ve only done 500 days work in the last 500 years? If it wasn’t for all the mince pies I can grab on Christmas Eve I don’t think I’d survive the year.’

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