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The news before it happens…

WorldBiscuit

Kim Jong-un single-handedly saves planet from rogue asteroid

no other person on the planet could have pulled it offThe reason for North Korea’s nuclear test earlier this week became clear today as state television in Pyongyang announced that Dear Leader Kim Jong-un had personally used the weapons to deflect an asteroid which, contrary to vicious Western propaganda, would otherwise have hit the Earth.

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Scandinavian detective to remain upbeat despite series of personal tragedies

nothing to see here, move along nowDetective Sergeant Fred Blomqvist was in no way downcast last night after falling victim to the latest in a series of personal and work-related traumas.

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Britain apologises for trying to get into wrong house after New Year bender

had spent most of the last year playing hard-to-get with BelgiumBritain has been forced to issue an apology today for drunkenly trying to get into France by mistake after a heavy night out celebrating on New Year’s Eve.

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Bollocks, says everyone, as Mayan apocalypse fails to happen

Same time next year, eh lads.There has been widespread disappointment among the planet’s male population as Britain woke up today to find that the Doomsday forecast by the Ancient Mayans’ ‘long count’ failed to happen.

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Middle East crisis solved on Twitter

Netanyahu still hasn't been toldThere were jubilant scenes across the Middle East last night, as the bitter dispute between Israel and its Arab neighbours finally ended, thanks to a series of Tweets from two individuals on opposite sides of the argument.

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