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Cut-off Nepalese villages still unaware Kate has had girl, say Red Cross

will just have to find something else to keep them occupiedMany remote villages in the worst hit areas of Nepal remain cut off and completely unaware that the Duchess of Cambridge has given birth to a baby girl, according to the International Red Cross. Aid agencies have confirmed that thousands of people in Nepal’s middle hills and isolated western towns have still to be reached by rescue teams and given the news of the Royal baby.

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Libyan cruise company offers ‘no-frills’ cruise to Italy

desperate to get to a better form of corruptionWith the strapline ‘See Naples and die…before you get there’, one Tripoli-based cruise company is reporting a bumper season by tempting hundreds of African tourists to take up the offer of no-frills trips part of the way to the Sicilian coast.

With five questionably seaworthy vessels and a fully refurbished, century-old dhow in its fleet, ‘Ahmed is Your Med Tours’ offers exclusive one-way trips to Sicily and whatever Mediterranean port it can find without the unnecessary expense of fuel or a rudder.

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Voldemort was a ‘beautiful man radicalised by wizard baby’, claims group

bit of a kitten reallyLord Voldemort, now revealed to be former Hogwarts student Tom Riddle, was today described by an advocacy group as a ‘beautiful man’, whose violent actions can be traced back to a ‘long campaign of harassment by the same schoolboy’.

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Greece applies for a student loan

largin' it!Greek Finance Minister Yanis Varoufakis fears that an EU bailout extension may not cover the cost of his dream to study Media at university. Although his country’s debt is running at 175% of GDP, a spokesman for Mr Varoufakis said he is also keen to fund three years of film watching, the opportunity to swim in a fountain and to ‘put a traffic cone on local statue’.

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Russian Bombers to offer cut price flights to and from the UK

guaranteed to stay up better than the roubleIn a move, aggressively resisted by the RAF, the Russian Federation Air Force (Voyenno-Vozdushnye, Silly Rossii or ‘VVS’ for short) has attempted to muscle in on the lucrative budget air routes normally dominated by firms like ‘Easyjet’ and ‘Discount Flying Death Tubes’.

Using their superior reputation for customer welfare, the VVS will offer a range of services including military issue ‘nibbles’, stewardesses in camo paint and the chance to see a Tupolev Tu-95 strategic bomber ‘close up’.

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