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Yanukovich emerges from hiding as branch manager of Carphone Warehouse

every sale endorsed by president Putin himselfThe fugitive Ukranian premier Viktor Yanukovych has emerged as the manager of a branch of Carphone Warehouse at the Arndale Centre, Accrington.

Branch salesperson Greg Mottram said ‘I turned up this morning and there was no sign of Debbie, the regular manager, just this Yanukovich bloke. when I asked where Debbie was, I was told she’d been sent into ‘internal exile’. When I asked where to, I was told Rochdale which, you know, is a bit harsh.’

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Russian Gay Festival marred by outbreak of winter sports

the audience couldn't wait to get home and give it a goThere was delight around the world as Russia put on an impressive affirmation of its commitment to the rights of individuals and the promotion of homosexuality. The festival was launched with a glittering show featuring galloping white horses, flying Cossacks and shirtless bodybuilders performing ironmongery.

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January Transfer Window sees a late bid for Amanda Knox

quite happy where she is, but thanks for the offerItalian football fans were delighted to see an audacious extradition offer being made for the American ‘off-the-shoulder striker’. The transfer deal is said to eclipse the $4m paid for Ms. Knox’s memoirs, although it is still subject to a full medical, confession and DNA swab.

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People with Teutonic surnames urged to stay away from ski resorts

Gott im HimmelWith the recent spate of accidents involving German nationals, ski resort officials and safety experts are urging anyone with a Teutonic sounding surname to stay off the slopes.

‘Whether your name is Schmidt, Weiss, Kruft, Jaeger or Heinemann you may be in particular danger,’ said safety official, Klaus Von Gruber at a press conference in the resort of St Moritz today. ‘As a precaution we are urging you to keep away from the Alps or other snow-capped regions around the world.’

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Chinese lunar rover finds no evidence of American moon landings

masters of the universeA report from the Chinese state news agency Xinhua has confirmed that China’s mission to the moon hasn’t found a single scrap of evidence that Americans were ever there.

Photographs of the lunar surface taken while the ‘Jade Rabbit’ probe was in orbit and further investigations on the ground have now been analysed and show that areas where US landings were thought to have taken place reveal a surface untouched by man, and no sign of any golf activity whatsoever.

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