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Pro-Russian Ukranians hold ‘unofficial’ Eurovision vote

the people have spokenRussian twins The Tolmachevy Sisters have won a landslide victory in the Eurovision Song Contest according to an unofficial poll which took place in areas held by Pro-Russian demonstrators in Eastern Ukraine.

Voting slips featured a photo of The Tolmachevy Sisters accompanied by the Russian flag, while ‘everyone else’ was represented by a photo of dead WW2 Russians accompanied by a Swastika. After votes were counted, the Russian singing duo were duly declared winners with an impressive 108% of the popular vote.

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World reacts with ‘surprising speed’ to Nigerian abduction – one month later

With the coiled energy of a tortoise on Prozac, the international community has sprung to the aid of the frantic families of over 200 missing Nigerian schoolgirls. As most crime-fighting agencies will attest, the most auspicious moment to investigate a kidnapping is at least a month after the event. Like a good wine, a banker’s pension scheme or the humour of James Corden – hostages improve with time.

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Berlusconi doing community service inseminating pandas

Former Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi will spend his community service trying to inseminate a giant panda at Edinburgh zoo, following failed attempts to mate her with a male panda.

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Narnia receives scathing TripAdvisor review

it was all in the 400-page brochure, if only they'd lookedThe magical realm of Narnia is in uproar today after receiving a highly critical review on holiday appraisal website TripAdvisor. The review, by the Pevensie family of Finchley, complains of awful weather, rude talking animals and poor quality Turkish Delight. ‘The kids had been pestering us to go for ages, and it was either that or Center Parcs,’ explained Mr Pevensie. ‘However, when we got there it was nothing like the brochures. The weather was terrible and, as far as I can tell, it is always winter there. The talking animals and mythical beasts were ill-tempered and unhelpful while the much famed Turkish Delight was cheap supermarket rubbish and a major disappointment.

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France bans work emails after 6pm and lolcats in the office before 10am

les lolzIn what is being seen as a ‘tit for cat’ retaliatory measure, Gallic big business plans to restrict private internet use in the office in response to workers being protected from intrusive emails at home. French Unions applauded the restrictions on out-of-hours work but demanded to know how honest labourers could expect to find ‘lonely singles’, monitor their Ebay auctions or complete Candy Crush Saga?

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