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Father Christmas bemoans zero hours contract

exclusivity deal means he can't work anywhere elsePopular present delivery service Father Christmas has called on the Government to do more to prevent the use of controversial zero hours contracts. ‘Don’t get me wrong,’ he explained, ‘it’s better than being unemployed, but I just have to wait around all year waiting for the call to say they’ve got some work for me. Did you know, I’ve only done 500 days work in the last 500 years? If it wasn’t for all the mince pies I can grab on Christmas Eve I don’t think I’d survive the year.’

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MPs accuse Santa of scaremongering over threats to universal present delivery

North Pole or Amazon? Your choice.Santa Claus has been accused of scaremongering after he told a committee of MPs that the universal present service is under threat. Appearing before the Business, Skills and Innovation Committee Claus told MPs that his ability to deliver presents on time to children in the remotest parts of the UK could no longer be guaranteed.

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Riots as US runs out of bullets

US citizens just dar gone ran outa languageAt 1.36 Eastern Standard Time the United States of America officially declared that they had run out of ammo. The ensuing chaos has seen riots and looting in twelve major cities, as a bewildered populace struggle to come to terms with the loss of their favourite past time – shooting classmates, Beatles and ‘anyone who isn’t an albino’.

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Arab-Israeli conflict settled as Netanyahu & Hamas meet for ‘a few cheeky pints’

all it took was a decent manly seshBenjamin Netanyahu and Hamas leader Khaled Mashal last night announced a lasting settlement to the Israeli-Palestine conflict following a night of negotiations over eight pints of Fosters in the Lamb and Flag pub, Walthamstow.

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Nominations for 2015 spring uprising due in

phone lines are now openThe United Nations applications deadline for the next country or countries to host a popular uprising expires today, with a wide field of candidates vying for the coveted spring 2015 slot.

‘The annual spring uprising has become an international event,’ said Lars Hofmeister, head of UN peacekeeping operations. ‘The list of applicants this year was likely to be longer than ever,’ he said, ‘with around 30 to 40 nations all bidding for the right to hold a destabilising and potentially violent revolution to cause problems for or even overthrow an existing government.

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