In excess of £9bn is scammed each year by exploiting people’s mental health, but oddly this does not include getting a coffee enema while...

President Donald Trump has said that his promise to sell Ukraine thousands of Tomahawk missiles is withdrawn because when he asked President Putin, Putin just tapped a file marked 'Epstein' and shook his head.  So Ukraine aren't going to get the weapons that could potentially force a ceasefire, withdrawal and sudden fall for Putin from a high Kremlin window.  Instead a range of weaponry has been given the green light by Putin to allow the war to continue until everyone is kil

Following the success of the Grand Sumo Tournament at the Royal Hall – apart from overnight repairs to the floor and the re-bolting of seven toilets to the wall – the historic venue has announced some further surprises in its autumn season. The first week of November sees International Cage Fighting, culminating in an aerial bout between Lord Melvyn Bragg and David Olusoga, just to prove that the venue is not completely ignoring its core Radio Four audience. Later in the mont

' 'Our next blockbuster will be based on a real-life drama,' said a spokes-clapper board for the Bond franchise. It will have 007 travelling across five continents, jumping out of helicopters and dodging laser beams by millimetres, to capture two people alleged to have spied against Britain for China.' 'There's a fascinating plot twist when it turns out he may as well not have bothered, because they get let off.' The ending is, indeed, the dampest squib ever to have been inf

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Former Health Secretary Matt Hancock has seen his hopes of joining the UN gravy train dashed after the organisation announced that it had...

Robert Jenrick, once considered a possible contender for leadership of the Conservative Party, has instead struck out in the direction of vaudeville. Holding up a puppet he called “Judgie”, which in fact consisted of nothing but a judge’s wig, he debuted his new act in front of Tory Party workers in a bizarre and surreal meeting in Pease Pottage. 'Hello, Judgie,' said Jenrick. “What have you been up to lately?' 'Well, I’ve been restricting people’s legal right to free assembl

People should plan for potential cyber-attacks by going back to pen and paper, according to the latest advice. The government has written to chief executives across the country strongly recommending that they should have physical copies of their plans at the ready as a precaution. In associated developments the government has reached out to the ursine community pointing out that visitors to the woods should ensure they take sufficient toilet paper to address the likely output

There have been cries of "get away?", "Goodness me, that's a surprise" and "well I never." from commentators up and down the nation after Rachel Reeves has said that Brexit has harmed the economy. One economist tried to explain. "It turns out there's a link between losing £500M a week and the economy going down the crapper. Who'd have thought it?" In unrelated news, it has been announced that the British people are the most sarcastic in Europe.

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For years, Britain’s software developers have had to exhaust themselves at weekends satisfying the wildest sexual demands of the crowds...