NewsBiscuit

A summer family reunion of a wasp colony was abandoned today after the irksome arrival of a persistent human being spoiled the occasion for all concerned. ‘It’s just bloody typical,’ said the colony’s Queen. ‘You wait all summer for a day that’s nice enough to eat outside and then the second the food arrives, the only homo sapien for miles starts buzzing around everyone, and waving a rolled up newspaper around. I swear they serve no useful evolutionary purpose other than to annoy us.’

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The nation’s flying ant population has announced that it will no longer be putting on aerobatic displays for their human neighbours, after yet another airborne event ended in failure today. The display, which took place at a rockery in Farnham, was the latest in a long line of events to be spoiled by panicky onlookers.

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One of Africa’s rarest mammals, the Timkinson’s Small-Footed Gazelle, has shocked wildlife experts and conservationists by applying for voluntary extinction.

The animal which lives a precarious existence on the margins of the Namib Desert is prey to so many other creatures that it feels it simply isn’t worth the bother of trying to stay alive any more. ‘During the course of our migration from the sand dunes of the Namib to the waters of the Okavango Delta’ said a spokes-gazelle ‘we must suffer attacks from lions, leopards, cheetahs, crocodiles and a very bad tempered rhino called ‘Simon’.’ The Gazelle’s timid and peaceful nature, coupled with its small stature, low turn of speed and clumsy useless horns makes it vulnerable to practically anything larger than a Dung Beetle. ‘We just can’t see the point of carrying on any more and have asked the Namibian authorities to allow us to travel to Switzerland to commit suicide with dignity.’

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The government confirmed yesterday that the United Kingdom is on course to meet 100% of its herbal needs using home-grown cannabis by the end of next year, and may even become a net exporter by 2011.

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Environmental campaigners were left reeling today after scientists questioned their strategy to save the planet’s rainforests and halt catastrophic climate change simply by adding the question ‘Do you really need to print this message?’ to the bottom of every email. A three-year study has found no recorded instances of someone changing their mind about printing, with the answer to the question on every occasion being ‘Yes, actually’.

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