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The recent events that Prime Minister Boris Johnson has attended have included a cappella 'boos' from the crowd. In an attempt to connect with the 'ordinary person' the Prime Minister and his spin doctors have decided that the 'boos' are now an integral part of his persona. Consequently he has decided to bring 'trustees' along to all personal appearances and have them 'boo' if no-one else bothers. 'I have a lot of experience of 'bring your own boos' parties, said the Prime

Former billionaire empathy-void Elon Musk set a new 'personal best', registering a full 18 seconds of contentment, and inner fulfilment. The new record was set moments after SpaceX was floated on the international stock markets, raising $1.77 trillion and making Musk the world's first trillionaire. "It was a strange feeling, though not entirely without precedent," explained the tragically unfulfilled troll/tycoon hybrid. "My central nervous system was flooded by a delicious b

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The England and Wales Cricket Board are looking to recruit a team of carers to look after the England men’s squad. The duties of the carers will include tucking the players up in bed at 11 pm, all year round, and locking the door to their room from the outside in order to keep them in check. They may read them a bedtime story if requested to do so. Should any player manage to get out of the locked room, tasering is a possibility. Said an ECB Spokesman, who didn’t want to be n

The BBC has confirmed that an expensive Christmas special will not now be shown. A spokesman said, 'Russell T has made the plotline entirely too weird. Fans will not accept that the next Doctor is a combination of Billy Piper's body, Tom Baker's voice and the holographic face of William Hartnell. Nor will they accept a cross between Kryten from Red Dwarf, Orac from Blake's Seven, and an openly trans gay black naked llama as the next companion. Now that we've lost the Disney m

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Their agent said: 'The was a lot of initial excitement over their first publication, but that soon died down, once everyone realised the Complete Works of Shakespeare had already been done. The following book tour was criticised as being a disorderly mess, like a chimps' tea party - which is a bit harsh on the Mandrills in the group'. One disillusioned monkey remarked: 'It took a while to get the creative juices flowing but once we discovered Grammarly we really kicked on. It

While the government has worked hard to reduce the amount of foreigners entering the country by boat, plane and bus replacement service, the real problem is the increase in Oblivions. 'Superficially they look like us, speak like us and are seemingly embedded in our culture,' said a government spokesman today, 'but they hunt in packs, taking non-oblivions down every day,' he added. Oblivions walk around supermarkets, stopping suddenly or turning without notice in front of othe

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Accusations of misconduct by co-owner, David Sullivan, has created horrendous double meanings for the team. 'I'm forever blowing bubbles' is less of a chant, more of a witness statement. Despite denials, Sullivan's claret and blue handsy armsy is cause of much gossip. Claimed one season ticket holder, "The Championship will be as a difficult to get out as a Sullivan clinch." Loyal fans still yell, 'Come on you Irons!', while his lawyer quickly countered, 'Come on who? My clie

'I urge Labour not to replace me as leader with anyone like Burnham or Streeting until they seriously compare their abilities to solve Britain's problems with my own,' droned Sir Keir. 'I have an amazing talent," he continued to mumble, nasally. "I can sit opposite a hardened teetotaller and talk to them and within two minutes they're wondering whether 10 am is an OK time to start drinking. 'Within ten minutes, they are well and truly comatose. 'That's how I have been able to

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