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Roman middle classes ‘furious’ at government’s response to volcanic apocalypse

infamy, infamy..Pompeii could have been saved from the magma waves if the authorities had done more to protect its buildings than stack piles of surplus slaves up in front of the doors, local residents claimed yesterday.

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Environment Agency begs athletes to stop coming out

it's all caused a bit of a splashAs further storms are expected to hit the UK, paranoid homophobes of all political persuasions are launching a concerted campaign to stop the ‘flood of sexual liberation’. Aerial footage along the Thames has revealed a ‘rising tide’ of liberalisation in the populace, which has been exacerbated by declarations from Tom Daley, England women’s captain Casey Stoney and the hint that Wayne Rooney has started to pluck his eyebrows.

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Environment Agency launches new ‘Help to Sell’ scheme

dynamic, affordable housing...In the face of mounting public criticism, the government has rushed out a new property initiative to complement the popular ‘Help to Buy’ scheme, with particular emphasis on first-time flood victims.

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Badgers now thought to be ‘virtually immortal’

run, run for your livesGovernment scientists have come to the conclusion that badgers are pretty much immortal following the failure of the recent cull to put much of a dent in their numbers.

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RSPB to focus efforts on saving Angry Birds

stepping up a levelAfter a series of charity scandals, cash-strapped conservation group the RSPB has announced that it will refocus its conservation efforts on saving the Angry Birds, rather than their real cousins.

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