The President, visibly strained, released a statement urging calm, dignity, and the immediate cessation of Starmer's interpretive eye-rolling since Burnham won the Makerfield by-election. While neither man has formally declared any kind of war, they have stopped exchanging Christmas cards. Burnham agreed in principle to a ceasefire but insisted that it must recognise historic grievances about who has the most coiffured side-parting. Both parties refused to sit at the same tab

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A future Reform government will lobby the TV companies to put some decent telly on during the day. ‘I have been selflessly researching television programmes during the afternoons’, a tobacco-stained party leader told us. ‘And the choice is pretty poor. There’s some great stuff on there – classic shows like Only Fools and Horses – and some wonderful programmes showcasing Nazi engineering – but most of it is home renovation dross and Australians with metal detectors. ‘When I’m

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Following Andy Burnham’s victory in the Makerfield by-election, Reform leader Nigel Farage has hit out at Restore Britain for “splitting the gammon vote”. “I know Britain has a lot of irascible boneheads with a vague sense of discontent they’re not intelligent enough to process,” he told reporters today. “But it’s not an infinite number, and we have to beware of Johnny-come-latelies like Restore splitting their vote. ”Frankly, it’s bad enough some of them are still voting Ref

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A Downing Street spokesman has confirmed that Clippy will immediately be on board as part of the Prime Ministerial guidance team. Clippy is a beloved and treasured part of this nation's heritage. It first appeared in Office 97, coinciding with the Tories being out of office in the same year. Nevertheless, the current Government has decided that Clippy has many advantages relevant to today's issues. "Are you looking for a picture of a big dog?" "Do you want to convert that to

A spokesman for the Master Race has apologised to the press for some of the race’s recent representatives. ‘Okay, a few of them look like they had difficult births. Some did, to be fair. And yeah, there’s always one at a rally in a weird suit with 1940s hair who looks like his Mum still makes his sandwiches. And none of them can punctuate, spell or use English grammar. But that doesn’t mean they don’t represent Engerland, the greatest race the world has ever seen’. Master rac

"They called the UFC bout at the White House a tacky, shameful desecration of an historic site," said a spokes-savage for President Trump. "The President's saying: Duh! Of course it was. Why are you not getting this? For eight decades, New York's top rank branded Mr Trump a small-fingered vulgarian with the speaking voice of a sewage worker and the interior decor tastes of a brothel owner. The only fellow billionaire who was ever happy to be seen with him was Jeffrey Epstein.

Prince George is excited to be going to school at Eton, because his nanny has read all the books to him. He is particularly looking forward to travelling there by steam train from a secret royal platform at Waterloo. And he hopes to study Defence Against The Dark Arts, otherwise known as Media Studies. But he is disappointed that the sorting hat has not put him in Gryffindor House. He is puzzled to have been put in Boris House, which seems to be a watered down version of Slyt

It must be approaching the silly season or newspapers are fed up with printing BoJo stories. In any event yet another ‘unknown’ dinosaur species has allegedly been discovered in the Solent archipelago. A leading dinosaur expert was approached for comment:- 'To be honest I am getting a bit pissed off with what appears to be a non-stop stream of new discoveries in what to be honest is a piddly little island that people only visit when accidently getting on the wrong boat at Por

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