The ghost of author John Mortimer, best known for his Rumpole of the Bailey novels, is to sue Reform from beyond the grave over their selection of Robert ‘Rob’ Kenyon in Makerfield. ‘Woo, woo’, said Mortimer’s ghost, ‘It’s a straight rip-off of ‘Rumpole and the Bubble Reputation’, woo’. (Sir John Mortimer has been a ghost since 2009, you’d have thought he’d be better at haunting, but there you go). NewsBiscuit has read Rumpole and the Bubble Reputation and we can confirm simi

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Prime Minister (at the time of writing) Keir Starmer has hit back at critics who say the ban on under 16s using social media is unworkable. Stating that critics have no idea how easy it is for government to monitor online activity of citizens, he laid out the punishments being considered for children who break the new law. First offenders will be fined two packets of Panini stickers and a vape, with repeat offenders having their houses raided, all computers and phones confisc

"I give this pledge to the Labour Party and the electorate about what I am resolved to do," said Prime Ministerial hopeful and T-shirt model Andy Burnham. "I will be fearless in saying everything in my power to become leader and make Britain happy. "I will state, forthrightly and in no uncertain terms, that it's time to defy Labour's bleeding heart, left-wing backbenchers, slash welfare spending and boost Britain's defences. "I will also be utterly resolute in saying that we

Aping Netflix's plans of a real-life Squid Game reality TV show the government have announced the second of two payments to help the poorest households with the cost of living will be giving out only after those eligible overcome a set of games similar to those seen in the popular Netflix show Squid Game. As the first of these two cost of living payments is to hit people's bank accounts in July, the government hope this initiative will counter any accusations that they could

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There is no issue with resources in the MoD, insisted a moustachioed cartoon officer with an infeasibly large number of stripes. The official press release is clear. 'Valiant British troops took the unusual step of boarding the shadow tanker by trebuchet, because the unit's helicopter is stuck in Kwik-Fit awaiting the correct windscreen wiper. Four men hit the water and two hit the side of the ship, but three men successfully boarded. 'The three heavily armed soldiers advance

An avid Royal watcher from Swindon has thanked her 'kindly' neighbours for allowing her to watch the trooping the colour on their 50 inch TV. Rose Johnson, 57 has been unable to afford a TV of her own since her 12 year old knock off set broke down, despite working two jobs and selling everything else she could get any money for. The family at number 28, who don't want to be named because the whole thing made them feel sick, said 'It's the least we could do really. We would

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"Summer is known to bring the risk of infection from the cryptosporidium parasite, flatworms and ticks," said a spokes-stephoscope for the Brutish Summertime Medical Association. "But a new parasite has evolved which is a million times more malignant than any of those. "We call it the Purecoldrage parasite. It thrives by sucking up all the anger, bile and hatred which lurks inside the minds of Britain's most grumpy people and then releasing it into the general population in m

Washington has finally found a way around the problem of the embarrassing number of octogenarians jostling to become the next resident of the White House. With assistance from the American Kennel Club, each geriatric candidate has been assigned a new canine age. Congressman Winthrop Stoad III of Georgia, 94, has just entered the contest as a 31-year-old. 'It helps people forget that I've been in Congress since 1948 and voted for Jim Crow laws right through the 1950s,' he expl

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