Betfred are willing to dispose of thousands of innocent employees if the government fails to drop their massive, unrealistic, excessive tax on their massive, unrealistic, excessive profits. The terrorist leader, billionaire owner Fred, made demands on a news broadcast, saying they would have to get rid of the 7,500 hostages if the government implements their proposed gambling tax. 'We will 'retire' a hostage, every hour, on the hour, until our requirements are met. Once the

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Thousands of coffee-drinkers protest over the 'don't pour it down a drain' law, by queuing up outside the operational headquarters of their local environmental protection enforcement officers, to pour coffee dregs down a drain. Several thousand more protesters carried banners saying 'I support poring coffee down a drain, instead of into a bin.' The police rigorously arrested these people first, before turning their attention to the actual coffee-pourers. Image credit: percha

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An unexpected outage with Amazon and Snapchat has been hailed as the happiest 24 hours since records began. In that time endangered species recovered, the ozone healed and The Beatles reformed. Peace instantly broke in Gaza, and not that bull$hit Trump peace where everyone still gets shot, actual peace. Cancer was downgraded to a mild cough. And Quality Street went back to making the really large box of chocolates. Children looked up from their phones and saw the sky for the

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The government have found the controls behind the back of a sofa in Downing Street. 'What a palaver - we've spent years trying to take...

Oh, the grand old Duke of York, He had ten thousand gaffs, He stacked them up til they hit the news, And he tried to shut them down And when they were news, they were news, And when they were gagged, they were gagged, And when they are only halfway gagged, They're a nightmare for the crown Image credit: Titanic Belfast, CC BY 2.0 <https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0>, via Wikimedia Commons. Text added.

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The Reform Party is to take action to level the playing field for racists, addressing the perception that there is something wrong with them. A spokesman, who clearly had something to get off his chest, gave us the following statement: ‘Racists are an oppressed minority, who should be protected from discrimination, ridicule and sneering. Other minorities are protected by law, and racists should be protected too. ‘We get shouted at in the street and when we go marching. Non-

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New music streaming app Swiftify has launched, dedicated entirely to the music of Taylor Swift. Users can listen to songs from a vast library of albums - albeit most of them feature the same songs just with different cover art - and explore music from the many genres which Taylor has toyed with over her multi decade career. Swiftify Chief Exec Bradley Brady said, '90% of all music streams are of the top 1% of artistes, and 50% are of Taylor, probably. So we figured just cut

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NewsBiscuit has discovered a secret Conservative programme to phase out humans as MPs and replace them with Cyber MPs, using a...

With strikes and gunshots again heard in all across Palestine again, an Israeli spokesperson has claimed today that they and Hamas, 'were on a break.'  'It’s all fine, we were on a break,' said Ben Bronten, an IDF official. 'We took some time out to see if we were over it all, and clearly we’re not. We both still have a lot of pent-up emotion, and that is going to come up in unexpected gunfire and missile strikes sometimes.” He went on to point out that sometimes truces were