NewsBiscuit - Best of June 2024

June 2024

In June 2024, the General Election campaign in the UK was all-consuming and there was no escape. The Tories continued to announce new policies that they could have enacted in office, but hadn’t bothered to. Labour continued to say as little as possible. Migrants arriving in small boats continued to be a big political issue. The government did successfully get rid of one unwanted migrant, however, as the infamous freeloader Julian Assange finally returned to Australia.

The stories we posted in June 2024 seemed to presage the election result. There was a lot of poking fun at the Conservatives, with a side order of incredulity about Reform, and a degree of tolerance for Ed Davey’s cunning stunts.

With hindsight, it seems impossible that the Conservatives could have survived such a satirical onslaught. And so it proved to be. We’re taking all the credit.

Almost all other news was squeezed out. But there is always room for a royal story, and Princess Anne provided some light relief by getting kicked in the head by a horse. We assume it was a horse. She can’t remember. It can’t have been Andrew, because he was getting a pizza. And Sir Ian McKellen engaged in some ill-advised crowd-surfing after falling off the stage at the RSC.

Here is a selection of the top stories from June 2024. Click through to read the stories and the author credits. Scroll down to see some of the month’s best headlines.

General Election Stories

Tory election campaign wins Turner Prize

Horrified Tories realise how much work is needed to rebuild

TV Election Debates: Five Key Take-Aways

Tories to shake up the NHS with the return of the 'wise woman'

Sir Ed Davey demands “just one more go on the swings” before press conference

Tories betting on what will happen to Tories found guilty of betting on election date

Farage to be Reform candidate for every constituency

Government denies putting sharks in Channel is part of anti-migrant policy

The Not-The-Election Stories

Voters thrilled at prospect of new Sky TV channel 'Watching Paint Dry

Cat hacks bank after realising his name was the password

Time again for politicians to pretend they like football

Selected headlines from June 2024

Bingo callers introduce "Gamblers' Den" for number 10

Baby delivered in car came with free coke and garlic bread

Tories walking slowly investigated by Ambling Commission

Chip van commemorates D-Day with a frypast

Ed Davey completes tour of all Britain's theme parks

Julian Assange disappointed at missing out on Rwanda

Rishi: Go back to your constituencies and prepare for oblivion

Tory manifesto launched on the side of a driverless bus

Ventilation expert disappointed by Onlyfans website  

Princess Anne in a stable condition

MP having buttock reduction surgery afraid he might lose his seat

Fire brigade called to massive blaze in Rishi Sunak's pants drawer

Sir Ian McKellen to star in stage adaptation of 'The Fall Guy'

Man who had a large mole removed from nose says 'the worst thing was those front claws'

Image credit: deep dream generator

VAR to be introduced for elections

Following a record-breaking(ly stupid) petition calling for Britain’s 2024 general election to be rerun, it has been suggested that all future elections be subject to VAR.

The system, introduced in Premier League football a few years ago, has proved a joy killer, resulting in fans no longer celebrating when their team scores as they know it may be overturned. The nation waits with a sense of impending doom to see the same idea applied to something already as utterly joyless as a general election.

The other complaint about VAR, that it doesn’t really make decisions less subjective because the people reviewing the video footage are also human, may also apply here. For example, it’s been asked exactly what might cause VAR to declare an election result invalid and demand it be rerun.

'Well, for example, if the losing side said the winners had lied and their supporters were stupid to believe them,' said one proponent of the plan, before realising that happens at literally every election (and referendum).

In short, it’s an expensive, poorly thought through distraction from the real issues that will make worse the very problem it claims to solve. So it’s almost certain to be given the go ahead.

'All that remains is to find a company with no relevant experience or technology (but owned by a major party donor) to give the contract to.'

Image: Mohamed_hassan - Pixabay

General Election result may, or may not, demonstrate a Brexit benefit

Political experts are arguing about whether the recent British general election does, or does not, demonstrate the delivery of a ‘Brexit benefit’.

One faction argues that there is a demonstrable Brexit benefit, because a significant political change at the election was achieved without riots, arson, burning cars and smashed up police stations. They argue that Brexit has allowed Britain to distance itself from the political excitabilities often seen in Europe.  The disturbances in France, after their recent election, for example.

The opposing faction argues that there is no Brexit benefit. They say that the more sanguine approach of the Brits to political change has been part of the national character for a long time.  They argue that the so-called benefit was there before we joined the EU, during our membership, and after Brexit. 

Both factions are, however, agreed that the current status quo may be tested by the recent election of a small number of hard right MPs. They are concerned that the hard right might wish to underline their political views with some ‘spontaneous’ riots.  Even if this does then invite comparisons with politics in foreign countries…

https://pixabay.com/photos/brexit-eu-europe-united-kingdom-4011711/

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