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NewsBiscuit: Best of November 2024

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November 2024


November 2024 was a decisive month. Things happened. In the UK, Rachel Reeves delivered her first budget and whacked up taxes on businesses and whacked up taxes on dead farmers. In the US of A, the voters elected a whacked up President, leaving all the pollsters wondering how they’d got it so wrong. The Conservatives elected Kemi Badenoch as leader; she immediately went into hiding and hasn’t been seen since.


Manchester United appointed Ruben Amorim as manager. There was some controversy about Rachel Reeves’ CV, with suggestions that she might have overstated her qualifications. And the Charity Commission published a report slating Captain Tom’s family for mismanagement.


In health news, the media went crazy about weight loss jabs. Just a thin excuse for journos to claim back the cost of jabs as ‘research’. A thin excuse. See what I did there? In entertainment news, that guy from the crisp adverts quit Match of the Day.


Here is a selection of the top NewsBiscuit stories from November 2024. Click through to read the stories and see the author credits. Scroll down to see some of the month’s best headlines.


UK politics


US politics


Culture, Media and Sport



Headlines - politics 

Result of tomorrow's free and fair US election announced today by Russia

Democratic Party donors ask for refunds       

103% of Americans say election pollsters got it wrong

Rachel Reeves' CV reveals she's been an astronaut, head of the UN and Archbishop of Canterbury

Chancer of the Exchequer

Farm death tax 'Won't cost farming industry much' yet will raise tons of money for the Govt?!


Headlines - professions

Arsonists Anonymous promise new members a warm welcome

Struggling tree surgery company to cut half its branches

Astronomer caught moonlighting

Farmer who fell under plough says the experience was harrowing


Headlines – entertainment

Eric Morecambe auction catalogue has all the right lots, not necessarily in the right order

Gary Lineker to get Testimonial Episode of MOTD

Petition to abolish 'signing for things' gets no signatures

New breed of dog cleans up after itself - it's called a Retriever-Poo

Captain Tom's family to star in Dirty Rotten Scoundrels remake


Other headlines

DIY store selling doors for £1.00 say there are no catches

IVF postcode lottery 'not fair' - "I didn't even want a baby" says pensioner

Cut this one thing out to drastically stop ageing... birthdays

Man who bought full-fibre broadband still constipated



Image credit: deep dream generator


Newsbiscuit - Best of October 2024

ree

October 2024


After all that stuff about a fiscal black hole, and the winter fuel payment thing, there was considerable anxiety about the Budget. Sound familiar? Rachel Reeves delivered her budget on October 30th and whacked businesses with big rises in National Insurance and minimum wage costs. Still, at least she didn’t break any manifesto commitments. Kind of. The Conservatives continued to grind through a leadership election process, hampered by the complete lack of any decent candidates. Just think, back then Robert Jenrick was still considered middle of the road.


In the US, presidential candidate Kamala Harris (remember her?} released her medical records. And Donald Trump continued to not release his.


In entertainment news, Jeremy Clarkson had a cardiac thingy, and had to go to the NHS. Turns out, he does have a heart. Who knew? In sporting news, female pensioners were aghast at Wimbledon’s plans to remove their eye candy, and replace line judges with Hawkeye. No, not the guy from M*A*S*H.


Here is a selection of the top Newsbiscuit stories from October 2024. Click through to read the stories and see the author credits. Scroll down to see some of the month’s best headlines.


UK politics



US and world politics



Jeremy Clarkson



Other news



Headlines - politics


Lettuce makes late bid for Tory leadership

Burning rubbish overtakes politics as dirtiest form of power

After attacking UN, Israel to start stomping on kittens

Gen Z and Gen Alpha reject GenRick

Special episode of Little Britain to feature Badenoch & Jenrick

Starmer: I won't raise taxes for working people... but Rachel will...

'Feels like 14 years already' says Starmer

All of Starmer's decisions so far described as complete no-brainers

Strange drone over the Pentagon revealed to be a broadcast of Keir Starmer’s speech

Tory party lumbered with choice between two Liz-Truss-calibre leadership candidates


...more headlines...


Are you wasting your time online? Take our quiz to find out

Barefoot man finally realises Socktober is not a thing

Charity regrets its slogan 'Let's help bone cancer patients'

Are transparent urns the future? Remains to be seen

Local selling Cuban food, drink and cigars becomes Castro pub

Elderly nuns to star in action movie Old Habits Die Hard

Local dog-sitter flattened hundreds of pups

Man with a chip on his shoulder attacked by seagulls


...and some more...


Woman who wants to have her cake and eat it buys two cakes

Man who ‘always goes the extra mile’ sacked from taxi driver job

Man who fights fire with fire sacked from the Fire Service

Printer admits it hasn’t run out of ink, it’s just taking the p!ss

Where to look to see the comet passing by for the first time in 800,000 years. Up.

London Eye 'on the blink'

Hawk-Eye to replace line judges? You can NOT be serious!!

Man enters 11th hour of 5-minute DIY task


Newsbiscuit: Best of September 2024

ree

September 2024


Labour have been in power for three months now, and the rhetoric about the ‘Tory black hole’ in the nation's finances is starting to sound like a broken record. If you repeat a truth often enough, does it become a lie? Keir Starmer launched his ten-year plan for the NHS, kicking any measurable improvements firmly into the second term. And he famously said sausages when he meant hostages. I expect he was hungry. The Tories remained very, very quiet, as if gagged. And enjoying it.


In royal news, there were two new TV programmes about Prince Andrew’s laughably bad interview on Newsnight. And King Charles was trying to kick Andrew out of Royal Lodge for not paying his rent and not paying for repairs. And still probably one of Andrew’s better months.


In the entertainment world, people were talking about the Oasis reunion tour and complaining about the cost of ‘dynamically priced’ tickets. And protestors chucked some more soup at Van Gogh’s sunflowers. Can you remember why? Me neither. In weather news, the Met Office said that the summer had been the coolest since 2015. Which sounds like the set-up for a joke about the Oasis reunion...


Further afield, there was another failed assassination attempt on Donald Trump. Donald was out golfing in Florida and narrowly avoided a hole in one. And four NASA astronauts continued to be stranded in space, rotating helplessly and unable to do anything. Like the Democrats. On the plus side, the Hubble telescope found a supermassive black hole. Another one. Keir will be pleased. And Ukraine and Gaza continued to be difficult territory for humourists. Sorry, guys.


Here is a selection of the top stories from September 2024. Click through to read the stories and see the author credits. Scroll down to see some of the month’s best headlines.


UK Politics


US Politics


Royal News


Other News


Headlines


Inventor of rear view mirror looks back on his career

NASA: stranded astronauts exposed to Van Allen radiation belt "unlikely" to possess superpowers

Kuenssberg allows Labour just one more week to use public finances black hole excuse

' ' goes without saying

Choking is often caused by going down the wrong way

Hacked railway departure board more accurate than the real one

Joe Biden 'assassination attempt' just an accident with a stapler

New hospital ratings: Poor, Inadequate, Shameful, Broken

NHS reform: all forms to be redesigned

Photo of arable farm may have been cropped


Actually, September 2024 was a pretty good month for the headlines, so here are some more:


University goes bust after spending all its funding in the first week of term

Jailed Van Gogh vandals were from Just Stop Oils

Activists throw sunflowers at Warhol’s painting of tins of soup

GWR running trains instead of buses this weekend

Starmer asks wife to play hide the hostage

Customs huge epilepsy medication seizure

If being racist makes me racist then I'm racist, says racist

Met Office say coolest Summer since 2015 nothing to do with Oasis

Dentists' Union told to stop advocating "One out, all out" policy

Nuneaton restaurant closes after first week

Road Closure: The M1 was closed yesterday due to an accident. They were supposed to close the M11

'Washing Weekly' only available on-line

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