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Newsbiscuit Writer of the Month August 2024


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SteveB has had a storming month, clearing the pack. Deskpilot has come a creditable second, contributing amongst other things 23 of the 104 headlines published this past month. Stewartbarclay comes a very respectable third.



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Front Page, News in Brief and Features


apepper




Beau-Jolly




billclay



Chipchase



Chrisf









Deskpilot






eppursimuove











fles



jeremynh




Lockjaw



mcdabble



Midfield Diamond



Modelmaker





Nathanadler



NickB



PaulD



Robowurzel




scribbles



Sir Lupus



Sketchly



SteveB
















Stewartbarclay














tacitus







Throngsman





Titus






Wrenfoe









Cartoon of the month goes to Modelmaker for Elon Musk takes a more responsible attitude to riots


Headlines


Adrian Bamforth            


Banksy now just going through the alphabet

Malice in Sunderland

Russian prisoners in western jails say 'I'm fine thanks'


apepper         

    

GCHQ close to decoding rules for cycling Keirin

'I take my job as an MP seriously,' wins joke of the Fringe

Some Sunderland rioters "weren't local" - they weren't wearing t-shirts


Beau-Jolly    

     

Team GB Medal haul to slow as "sitting down" sports finish


bigbadbob         


Fencing contractor found guilty of malicious posts

Starmer congratulated on successful PM tenure, by Salad growers


Deskpilot          

 

Anne Widdicombe complains about lack of inappropriate behaviour on Strictly

Baker fired for sponging off his colleagues

Critically injured fork lift driver moved to palletive care

Everyone avoids picky bits at eczema sufferers buffet

Farmer upgrades his combine harvester to Winnows 11

Frankenstein actor who can't stop talking about himself is an Igormaniac

Govt confirms funding for BTec in managing uncertainty

Labour offers more & better train strikes than the Tories

Lush looter doesn't come out smelling of roses

Man who ate screws & fixings was bolting his food

New dog breeder is looking for pointers

Puppeteer offers to explain string theory

Putin plans next round of journalist arrests

Search for 'Google's illegal online monopoly' yields no results

Shamima Beglum

Starmer haunted by images of Margaret Thatcher on his toast

Student who wants to do camping degree aims to get a place in clearing

Ted Baker runs out of dough

Threatened taxi drivers close ranks

Toilet cleaner gets time off in loo

Tommy Robinson 'doubtful' for Strictly

Top uni accepts students with 25m back stroke certificate

Winter fuel payment: OAPs to riot in protest


Dick Everyman  


New Walrus burger gets seal of approval


docholiday       

 

Biden didn't realize it was him that was being swapped


dominic_mcg    


Police tasked with arresting Katie Price have no idea what she looks like

Spanish lingerie company launches Basque Separatist range

Team GB wins Paralympic Gold in Crawling Off Trains event


eppursimuove   


Midlands Water - I’ll see your shit and raise you cyanide


Granger        

     

All over? It is now for Sven

Olympic commentator breaks record for saying 'UNBELIEVABLE!'


ian searle       

   

Copywriter accused of plagiarism


jim Skinz      

      

Apple thief asks for 25 offences to be taken into concideration

Oasis fans blocked by a plunderwall when buying tickets

Statisticians to star in new soap Correlation Street


mcdabble  

        

Brazil conducts Xorcism

Builder who lost his plans of the stairs told to retrace his steps

English riot season now well underway

Home Secretary approaches sex dungeon operators about housing excess prisoners

Israel and Hamas, in a rare show of unity, agree to continue hostilities

Israel will know if Iran is about to attack, say spy chiefs who didn't predict Oct 7th

Liz Truss says her freedom of speech is restricted because nobody listens to her

Prisons plan to increase capacity by releasing the largest inmates first

Russia threatens to declare war on Ukraine

Scotsman arrested after man stabbed in the Trossachs

Staff stuck in lift at NASA to be freed by February at the latest

Starmer congratulated on successful PM tenure, by Salad growers

Starmer pledges to transform steel industry into no-steel industry

Trump unsure which excuse to use for getting two black men mixed, racism or dementia

Welsh govt introduces new recycling bin for unused recycling bins


Midfield Diamond   

       

Olympic gender row settled after bloke in pub says he would


Modelmaker   

  

Drinking to be banned in pubs

Man has keyhole surgery after Surgeon lost key to operating theatre

Man with emphysema says he has limited aspirations these days

Pensioners asked to 'Eke Out to Help Out' as they lose Winter Fuel Allowance

Police vehicle suppliers may have links to riot organisers

Rioters who trashed library will get the book thrown at them


robowurzel       


No signs of green shoots on Conservative party stump


rogerg  


Oasis: Definitely Money


Scribbles   

         

Farage now earns over £1m a year: NatWest offers to re-open his bank account

Walsall sodium cyanide spill: boaters advised not to touch canal with a barge pole


sinnick 


Home Secretary to deport rioters to Rwanda

Police arrest hiking Chemist for exposing himself to the elements


Sketchly         

    

‘The UK is too dangerous for me and my family’ says Harry as he lands in Colombia

AI generated Elon Musk easily identifiable by its ability to grow facial hair

Dentist resigns after years of looking down in the mouth

Founder of Viagra company celebrated as its longest standing member

Outrage as the foil begins to peel from Olympic medals

Paris experiences spread of COVID variant which presents as a rash, named 'Olympox'

Seine swimmer comes in last with a lump in his throat

Truss arrested for punching Priest after he began Mass with ‘Lettuce pray’

Zelenskyy in talks with Boeing about providing Russia’s new fighter jets


SteveB 


Assorted chocolates thief comes up smelling of Roses

BBC News to arrange prisoner swap with Top of the Pops

Defecating dressage horse awarded bonus points for superbly executed 'Radcliffe'

Due to fish sex changes, waterway renamed River Exe-Wye

English tourist resort attracts more visitors with rioting mini breaks

Flasher at checkout receives 'unexpected item in debagging area' message

Mouthy smoker has no filter

Online networks used to organise riots classified 'antisocial media'

Prosperous vampire hit a rich vein

Rogue horse is 'neigher-do-well'


stewartbarclay  


Allsopp not concerned about her kids' location location location

Blue moon turns red in another party defection


The Squire  

       

Tom Daley retires from diving. Ronaldo applies for British passport


Titus     


Badgers & TB - 'Not a simple, black-and-white issue'

FBI - the only people unable to find a motive for shooting Trump

Militant feminist campaign group refuses to publish a manifesto

Russia engages in Special Military Retreat

Stranded astronauts due to have 8 months board & lodging deducted from their salary

Sunak asks Farage for a loan 'to tide him over'

Terminal patients forced to stay alive as hospices close


Walter Eagle     


Chelsea to sign Jenas on a free contract

Huw Edwards and Jermaine Jenas to host joint podcast: How To Be A Huw Jenas

Mmmm-pox, the TASTIEST pox!!

5 Olympic sports in which you could definitely medal in 2028

ree

The Olympics are over but with just 1460 days until the next one, which sports do you think you could definitely have a chance of winning gold in in Los Angeles 2028? It can’t be that hard, right?



Decathlon - an event where you don’t actually have to be the world’s best in any of them, but just have an adequate level of competence in them all 10 - this sort mediocrity is exactly the kind of sport you could buy into. Also, you played Daley Thompson’s decathlon on the ZX Spectrum for weeks on end as a spotty teenager in the 80s, so you already have the expert knowledge that you have to do the long jump at an optimum angle of 42%. Job done.



BMX Freestyle - riding a tiny little bike, showing off doing daft tricks, and falling off a lot? It’s your summer of 1986 as a 13 year old with your best mate Danny Dexborough all over again, minus the cans of Top Deck shandy and the discovery of half a porn mag in the bushes near his house. The podium awaits.



Kayak cross - all that time spent going down the rapids in the sub-tropical swimming paradise on your annual visit to Center Parcs Sherwood Forest didn’t go to waste, as here’s the Olympic equivalent - Kayak Cross. No skill required, just get in your boat, line up in 4s and let the water take you down. Unlike the Center Parcs rapids, this has the advantage of you not having to worry about your left testicle being visible out of the side of your trunks to everyone on the viewing platform as you awkwardly descend the slide.



Shooting - you’ve played Call of Duty loads, and you seem to remember having a go at Clay Pigeon shooting at Fletch’s stag do - or was it paintball? Whatever. If it means you can practice in one of those ranges where you shoot at a paper target with a gunman in it and then it wheels back to you and you check whether you hit them in the chest or the head like in the TV detective shows then bring it on.



Anything in the velodrome - all of the events look like a piece of piss. The one where they creep around the track at 2mph? You’d just bomb off really quick - easy win. The one where there’s about 30 bikes on the track at once - it’s like the sponsored bike ride you did at school. Just pretend you’ve got a puncture and then rejoin with a couple of laps to go. And the one with the motorbike rider on the front - you were basically doing that when you worked for Uber Eats last year. Do they pay the living wage and do you get tips? Where do you sign up?


Your August Horoscope, by Hermes Trismegistus


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Aries


Aries, Mars has just entered you. Dirty sod!


Taurus


Pluto will be in the third house on Sunday. He'll scoff the neighbour's roast, resulting in a certain froideur between your households for the next few weeks.


Gemini


Your chart shows you to be venal, self-serving and self-obsessed, with little consideration, compassion or empathy for your fellow man. Whilst this would mark your card for most jobs, have you tried contacting the Conservative Party and asking about their 'Fast Track for Future Leaders' scheme ?


Cancer


With Orion cusping in your quadrant - and boy, can that constellation cusp - you may be more prone to accidents over the next week. You will be thankful for that kevlar beanie and underpants set we suggested you buy last month. You didn't ? Ooops !


Leo


If I were you, I'd skip straight to September


Virgo


You will be presented with the chance to win a fortune playing baccarat, having an affair with a glamour model, and take a trip into space. However, you won’t take it. Just stick with the same old, same old.


Libra


You will move out of your current address and take up residence in a Salvador Dalí painting. Your food will turn into bird skeletons and your clocks will melt like toffee. You will think you can escape, but you can't - this isn't "I'm a Celebrity".


Scorpio


This evening, you will be stung several times by a rather angry scorpion, and die a slow and excruciatingly painful death


Sagittarius


This afternoon, you will be killed by an arrow shot by a half-horse, half-man who happens to be naked. Ha, beat that, Scorpio!


Capricorn


While impaling slugs with a trident, the love of your life also invents aerated footwear and you immediately begin a life of palatial luxury together in a mansion called Skechers de la Mouche. But your children turn out ugly as f&*k.


Aquarius


If you see a black cat climbing a ladder, start running


Pisces


Apparently, you need to avoid Marmite this month. It’s not clear why.


Contributors


Sinnick: Aries, Leo


simonjjames: Scorpio and Sagittarius


FlashArry: Gemini, Cancer


sydalg: Libra


Image: Lockjaw



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