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Newsbiscuit Writer of the Month January 2025


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Deskpilot has started 2025 where he left 2024 off - at the top of the leaderboard. Nicka is pushing hard, but Deskpilot's 29 headlines is a tough act to beat if that was all he produced, but add in 5 front pages and 11 News in Brief...


All in all a good start to the New Year. As usual the Cartoon of the month and the full list of headlines are posted under the leaderboard and links to the month's subs.



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Front Page, News in Brief and Features


billclay









Chipchase



ChrisF




Deskpilot


















Dominic_mcg



eppursimuove








FlashArry




ian searle





Jack the Quipper



James_Doc



jeremynh




Jim Skinz




McDabble





Midfield Diamond




Nicka



















Sully




Sydalg





tacitus




Throngsman







Titus




Tonymc



Wrenfoe












Cartoon of the month goes to Lockjaw for An online purchase error in France


Headlines


Adrian Bamforth      

  

Alan Bates told his knighthood is in the post


apepper       

   

Inventor of ultra-velcro said it was "hard to pull off"

Teenage boys rush to Scotland after lynx released


benvoleo        


Nigel Farage to have his arms firmly stapled to his sides


bigbadbob   

  

Dual Carriageway to be built around the town of Coronary

Rules change for online porn leads to surge in fake IDs


billclay        

    

Farage distances himself from Robinson, but still admires Yaxley-Lennon

In deference to Trump, Judge gives poorly constructed sentence

JFK Assassination files recovered from Trump’s bathroom

The old “I’m innocent as I drive a gold Land Rover defence” may not be enough this time


ChrisF 


Nick Clegg contract has Meta untimely end


Deskpilot      

 

Agnostic vicar didn't have a prayer

Air parts manufacturer finds business is really taking off

Americans still think burglarizing is a word

Australian tailor is making great strides

Bogus chiropractor was just pulling my leg

Busy manx cat worked his tail off

Clumsy puppeteer drops a clanger

Criminal who represented himself doesn't do himself justice

Custard pies - do they strike you as funny?

Elon Musk arranges Keir Starmer's Xecution

Embalmer shows off extensive body of work

Evans leaves Strictly - no Wynne, no fee

Facebook unfriends Nick Clegg

Fish enthusiast makes scale models

Government hails massive increase in UK snow production

Harry gets his day in the sun

If you dress up as a lettuce, is it cosplay?

Indecisive balloonist leaves things up in the air

Knight in shining armour offers iron-clad guarantee

Liz Truss adamant that the economy crashed into her

Nervous chemist won't brave the elements

Plans for new Christopher Robin book pooh-poohed

Pretty chiropractor is turning heads

Roman baths expert accused of being a hypocaust denier

Trump absolutely rules out buying the Isle of Wight

Trump fails to stop war in Ukraine in one day

Trump pardons Elon Musk, just in case

Trump says climate activists will be burnt at the stake

Trump's hair unprepared for air crash briefing


Dick Everyman           


Mount Rushmore not big enough for Trump’s head

Trump proposes Palestinians relocate to Greenland


Docholiday    


Alcoholic boxer on the ropes

Local Church seeks Organ Donor

Man on the road to recovery gets run over


dominic_mcg 


Reeves backs 3rd Heathrow runway. Mortimer not convinced


eppursimuove     

       

Los Angeles fire alert status upgraded to “Whoa, dude”

Luke Littler - If I win, I’ll stop cutting my own hair

Space between Trump’s ears renamed Gulf of America


Granger    

       

Ukraine shud of surrendered - GO F@£K yourself, Fat Orange


hughdwink    

 

Musk Proposes Apartheid

Trump blames nighttime Washington air crash on nighttime

Trump to seize Stonehenge


ian searle    

   

Police say they believe the star of a one man play was acting alone


Jack the Quipper    

   

Americans still think burglarizing is a word

David Lynch dies at 78 - Autopsy to last 3 seasons

Trump Makes America Gross Again


jim Skinz     

    

Supermodels call for third runway at London Fashion Week

Wealthy white South African male might be a bit racist shock

Winner of Locomotive Driver Of The Year says he's well chuffed


Lockjaw       

   

Tragically, beached whale is all washed up


lostandflounder         


Car-parts manufacturer set for bumper year


mcdabble      


Barnsley remote worker forced to come into office, shocked to find its in Singapore


mcdabble      


Biden fears trumped-up charges

Greenland offers to sell Denmark

Home Secretary Yvette Cooper to have a 'very strong word' with smuggling gangs

LA residents regret using Tinder

Labour worried they may lose the grooming vote

Mancunians celebrate coming first in the police speeding figures

Melania releases range of kiss-proof hats

Porn to Bishop too

Putin implies he will only talk peace to cowards

Reeves asks faith groups to pray for the UK economy

UK commits to spending 5% of GDP on sarcasm over next four years


Midfield Diamond     


US finally gets irony as Trump opposes fact hunts


Modelmaker  


Congress revolts as Trump slaps 25% tariffs on their cocaine suppliers

Crematorium schedule disrupted by late MP’s hearse

Elon Musk buys Arsenal to piss Keir Starmer off

New year warning over Chinese air fryers

Recently discovered Unity Mitford diaries confirm Hitler had only one ball

Tory press more excited than at the height of Tulip Mania in 1637


MrQ    


Bradford double check it's not April 1st after being awarded City of Culture

Breaking: All strawberries to be unseeded at this year's Wimbledon

Distance runner looks really small

Evangelical Church boom sees prophets go through the roof

Gardener put on gardening leave feels a bit hard done by

Government not afraid to make roofless cuts to housing costs

Israel sneaking in a few strikes before last orders

Just Stop Oil pull off slick protest

Labour hope Artificial Intelligence can replace Actual Incompetence

Man barges his way in to waterfront conference

Man loses bargaining chip to seagull

Record number of Royal Mail staff suffering post traumatic stress

Study shows people that drink more coffee buy more coffee

Sweeping sanctions leave Russian broom industry in tatters

TikTok ban just second hand news

Trump and Musk prove two wrong 'uns do make an extreme right

Truss sends cease and desist lettuce to Starmer


rogerg


Nicola Sturgeon finally achieves independence


sinnick      

      

Chagos - with or without the "g" ?

US celebrates Martin Luther King Day by electing misogynist, racist, climate-denying felon as POTUS


Spa99ers     

   

Lake containing high levels of sewage to be renamed Musk Water


Titus   


Edinburgh charges storm Eowyn £5 for visiting the city

Govt. calls for inquiry into gangs of foreign billionaires grooming UK politicians

HMS Agincourt renamed HMS Hastings to please the Normans

Peter Mandelson apologises for saying what he REALLY thinks of Donald Trump

Report of Tory party membership numbers described as a conservative estimate

Russel Brand denies intention of applying for job as a bishop




Earth to be Recycled


They've only gone and done it again, despite the court order. The editorial team at NewsBiscuit have compiled another anthology of stories, one-liners and cartoons covering an otherwise quiet twelve-month period in the UK and outside world with fake news, news which should have been fake and sometimes just something that feels funny. The last bit was aimed at the last remaining GP in UK, just in case they're working today. The stories might make you laugh, they might make you cry, but at least they haven't crashed the economy - yet. We have Prime Ministers for that!


Over 1000 short stories and more than 200 headlines culled from the daily output from September 2021 through to the end of August 2022, all put together in a cynical ploy to fund the UK's oldest and best fake news website - NewsBiscuit.com. NewsBiscuit exists to provide a writing outlet for hundreds of established and aspirational comedy writers and to post a daily dose of humour designed to distract tens of thousands of people from working, restoring the economy or otherwise making a useful contribution to society - 365 days a year, most years (we stretch to 366 days a year now and then for reasons we haven't quite understood).


Earth to be Recycled makes a great gift for friends and for yourself





Five Go Dobbing in the Neighbours


Uncle Quentin was seen in Smuggler’s Cove, without a mask,’ exclaimed Julian.


‘What a frightful bore,’ said George. ‘Doesn’t he know that Timmy has an undying medical condition? He keeps eating poisoned food’.


They said it couldn’t be done. A new NewsBiscuit annual. Or maybe it was ‘shouldn’t’. That’s right, it shouldn’t be done. In fact, there was a petition. Maybe a march or two? Now that I think about it, there was a Court Order. People chaining themselves to railings. The threat of a military coup.


But we said to hell with them. We were going to publish. Regardless of the suffering and derisory sales. If we could get Brexit done, how hard would it be to write a NewsBiscuit book?


BTW how’s the Brexit thing going?


From the same team that brought you 'Fifteen Years of Typos' comes an extensive anthology of twelve months of fake news from the UKs original fake news site, Newsbiscuit. Over 800 carefully curated comedy fake news articles and more than 700 one-line news gags all together in one volume written by some of the funniest and most creative comedy writers known to work for free.


Articles drawn from September 2020 until August 2021, approximately mirroring events in the real world, include:



Bloke in pub to join Cabinet


NATO to tut and shake their heads at Russia


Second wave of press conferences to hit the UK


National Fiasco Memorial built in the wrong place


Coronavirus will be with us for between two years and forever, say scientists


Biden selects Kamala Harris to be his running-mate and carer


Government finally admits it has 'no idea' why we have daylight saving time


and hundreds more


Five Go Dobbing in the Neighbours makes a great gift for friends and to yourself





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