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In the last twenty-four hours the degree of security provided to Reform MPs, their families and close associates has increased dramatically.


Nigel Farage now receives round the clock security from MI6, his ex wife and current girlfriend have both been put into witness protection, presumably in one or more of his houses, while Richard Tice has been offered a cuddly toy to hug at night and Zia Yusef has been allocated Lee Anderson as his personal bodyguard.


Farage's barber, his butcher and his newsagent have all found 22 SAS parked outside their premises brandishing Glocks and Farage's personal bodyguard now has his own personal bodyguard, who is expected to get his own within the week.


For obvious reasons security at the House of Commons is unchanged.




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Image: ChatGPT

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Our technicians have noticed a problem with the algorithm over the last few days,' said a Daily Mail spokesman, 'with not only a lack of fawning articles about Nigel Farage but actual scrutiny showing he is a comptempible excuse for a person,' he added.


'We'll be turning it off and on again,' he said, crossing his fingers that they hadn't laid off or deported the person who knew how to restart the bile engine.


'If all else fails we'll just republish headlines from the past. Actually, that's what we normally do,' he said, holding up a headline supporting Mosley but with Farage's name scribbled over.



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