B52s needed to protect the voting booths

President Trump has denied that the US Air Force has been spooked by three Transit vans and five guys syphoning petrol.  The relocation of the B52 bomber fleet is more to do with illegal voting than being scared of Iran.  Honestly.

'Iran isn't an issue for the United States,' he said today, 'but illegal voting is.'  There is little, if any, evidence of meaningful voting crime in the US, and the President thinks dropping nuclear bomb on potential Democrat voting queues would completely eliminate it.

'I accept a few misguided Democrat voters might be collateral damage,' the President said, 'but my advisor in Moscow says this is the only way we can guarantee there aren't any false votes cast.' 

President Vladimir Putin wasn't available for comment.

Image credit: ChatGPT

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Brave Brits fighting back against do-gooders

An underground movement of heroic Britons is finally poised to take on the anti-growth, probably bearded, woke fanatics who are trying to destroy our British way of life with pronouns, improved energy efficiency and vaccines. Bastards.

Barry Evans (45) of Wolverhampton is one of the rebels. 'They want us to insulate our lofts, which seems reasonable till you realise it’s the thin end of the wedge. Next they’ll ask us all to hug a baby seal or eat vegan sausage rolls. If I wanted nature I’d put David Attenborough on.'

Barry isn’t alone. Well, obviously he is, but he isn’t the only rebel. Pete Housman (43) from Rotherham told us 'These do-gooders make me want to puke. They go on about fracking but the yanks have it and they pay about twenty pee a gallon. It isn’t as if Britain has its own supply of petrol. What? The North Sea? Isn’t that in France or something?'

Darren Wimborne (44) from Bristol is still angry about the Covid lockdowns. 'We’ve become a fascist state where an Englishman can’t go about his lawful business,' he told reporters. 'If I want an avoidable death I’ll bloody have one. It’s in the Magna Carta.'

Rebels have threatened to dress up as superheroes and burn effigies of Eddie Izzard unless the Black Lives Matter movement renames itself Every Life Matters. Other protest activities include folding their arms in the pub, adopting a smug expression, making jokes about "feeble" vegans and retweeting whatever Piers Morgan just said.

In what may be their master stroke, Bill Gates is unable to track them because they haven’t been vaccinated, so he’s having to waste his time curing malaria and other woke nonsense instead. That’ll teach him.

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photo: https://pixabay.com/users/clker-free-vector-images-3736/

First published 8 Oct 2022

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Jeffrey Archer, RIP

Jeffrey Archer has passed away at the age of 139. He was the second man to walk on Moon, the fifth Beatle, a Cambridge Don, the 'best PM we never had', a Nobel laureate and an Olympic gold medallist. He is believed to have either have been murdered by a jealous husband or died as a result of a mishap during his attempt to repair his private Concorde in midair.

Mr Archer was always destined for greatness and expected to follow his father as head of the British Army. At the age of 7 Jeffrey was offered the throne of Albania but felt he couldn't spare the week it would take to learn the language. Instead, he decided to use his gifts to become the greatest writer of the 20th and 21st centuries.  Seamus Heaney is reported to have begged Jeffrey to stop writing for a while to 'give the rest of us a chance at the Nobels.'

Image credit: Bjørn Erik Pedersen, CC BY 3.0 <https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0>, via Wikimedia Commons (image has been cropped)

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