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Another great month and Desky has done it again, however SimonJJames has given him a good run for his money. Eppy and jeremynh haven't been too shabby and I'd have to look back but I think Titus had his best month in a long time, possibly ever. Well done to all of the above and everyone else who were published this month.


As usual all the links to the subs below the leaderboard, followed by this month's Cartoon of the Month and last, but definitely not least, the full list of one-line headline gags



Front Page, News in Brief and Features


billclay



Bobski




cara




Danny Soz




DavidH



Deskpilot











eppursimuove










ian searle




jeremynh









kman3609



Lockjaw



Midfield Diamond



Modelmaker



Newsbiscuit Editorial Team





Sarah Tipper



scribbles



simonjjames















Sir Lupus




sketchedbyboz




SteveB







stewartbarclay



Sully




Throngsman











Titus







Wrenfoe









Headlines


Adrian Bamforth

        

Cricket legend had a good innings


Adrian Bamforth       

 

Your Party expels Jeremy Corbyn for being too right wing


ashbery   

        

MPs warned of the dangers of poor attendance following summer holidays


bigbadbob   

  

Record breaking pole-vaulter keeps raising the bar

Triple jumper’s performance coming on in leaps and bounds


Bobski 


200 years of rail travel celebrations delayed

Tony Blair is not the Messiah - he's a very naughty boy

UK offers Jimmy Kimmell asylum under "One out, one in" agreement


cara    


People Awaiting ADHD Diagnosis to be Given Even More Admin to Complete


Deskpilot  

     

Abseiler lets himself down while learning the ropes

Asylum Hotel in Epping submits planning application for two new wings

Brighton very handy for my constituency, says Rayner

Donald Trump diagnosed with swollen ego

Gatwich gets second runway. Isle of Wight gets second Subway

Gregg Wallace cooks up legal claim against BBC

Israel complains Eurovision voting is rigged

Labour to become the official opposition party

MPs join tube workers to demand 32 hour week

Netanyahu wakes up with a Banksy tattooed on his forehead

Rayner admits tax fiddle and joins the Tories

Red Bull gives you.....eighty million quid

Snowdon mountain railway scraps peak fares

Starmer reflects that, as PM, you're very much a sausage to fortune

Trump cements his authority over Portland

Trump denies that his Mum took Tylenol

Trump imposes $100,000 tariff on foreign golfers


dominic_mcg


Digital ID protestor still using his Tesco Clubcard


eppursimuove          

  

Harry won’t see his father, but will meet the King


Granger     

      

Sundance loses its best Kid


ian searle   

    

Hedgehog Hospital faces spike in demand

Silhouette artists threaten to publish more profiles online

Tony Blair in discussions to run transitional UK authority


jeremynh    

    

Trump to deport Europe's Ryder Cup team for beating US


jim Skinz    

     

Downton Abbey movie slammed by critics because 'something actually happens in it'


joe    

   

Graham crosses the Line-han


kman3609    

  

Early birds starve, due to tardy worms        

Flawless refereeing performance forces manager to take accountability for loss     

Footballer fails medical after feigning injury

Historian claims Manchester United used to be good at football

Londoners turn to fake sick notes, in the face of tube strikes

Mrs Brown's Boys projected onto Windsor Castle, to deter protestors


Lockjaw   

       

Britain's defiant response to Beijing military parade

Herpetologist and gene editor accused of creating fake newts


mcdabble   

   

Failing rock star takes a long haired look in the mirror

Man in pub still unhappy about Palestine Action arrests

Man who invaded Iraq ideal for Gaza boss, says US

Mandelson pals all realise they weren't his best pal

Not Your Party after all

People smugglers offering season tickets

Reeves to raise money and reduce migrants by taxing RNLI

Reform to hold asylum seekers in sinkholes

Sex offender spotted on the grounds of Windsor Castle

The Left is splitting. Starmer fine; he's not on the left

Trump vows to defend allies WITH CAPITAL LETTERS if required

US Govt skeptical as science links fake tan to narcissism

World in shock as Portugal in the news


mick turate    


Police admit blunder but agree that lessons won't be learned


Modelmaker  


Farage reshuffles Reform UK party, but still ends up with a pack of jokers

Green leader 'Naive and lacking experience'

Lammy appointed Minister without portfolio of properties

Masterchef newcomer says his meat and two veg is superior to Gregg Wallace’s

Reform says facial reconstruction of 900-year old female skull looks a bit trans

Sales boost for black Armani ties

Trump confident of peace in Gaza, as he flogs Israel more weapons


MrQ  

  

Headline length restrictions lead to annoyingly incomplete headlin

Teenager refuses to recognise his bedroom as a state


rowly  


BBC pledges to end use of Roman Numerals by end of MMXXVIX

Sales of "Robinson Croeso" have tripled in Wales

'Very Fond of you' note from Mandelson, could be reason for Epstein suicide


santosh    

       

The size of the far right rally indicates the increasing number of England's incels


simonjjames 


New James Bond could be a Labubu, says Amazon Studios


sinnick       

     

Dickie Bird: Over and Out


sketchly  

        

Man being chased by taxidermists regrets playing dead


SteveB 


Democracy dead, Trump critical

French snatch British world record, achieving 5 Prime Ministers in just 2 years


Throngsman  


Labour says it's Comms leader has resigned six week ago


Titus   


Cash-strapped Alpine Nuns-on-the-Run now seek film contract

Donald Trump starts planning his coronation

Mandelson protests he only befriended WEALTHY paedophiles

Outrage as male non-northerner seeks deputy Labour leadership

Recent Jaguar advert featuring no cars at all was strangely prescient

Red Moon inspires Corbyn's new party's name - Lunatics

Split developing between 'Corbyn Party' & 'New Corbyn Party'

'The bible says it's sinful for women to take painkillers' says Trump

Trump excited to have eaten a Big Mac off a gold plate

Zelenskyy tells Netanyahu that Hamas are hiding on Russian side of border with Ukraine


tonymc   

         

All US medicines banned except Trumpernol

BBC insists public want new town named Farageville

Failed politician Dorres joins fringe politician Farage

Farage gets BBC parking space and a key to the executive toilets

Harry visits Ukraine while Wills arranges his sock drawer

Kirk killer probably a lefty trans Muslim single mother

Rosary rattling child beaters holed up in convent hideout

Scammers admit new IDs might take 10 minutes to hack

UK media say British far right are much nicer than the nazis






September 2024


Labour have been in power for three months now, and the rhetoric about the ‘Tory black hole’ in the nation's finances is starting to sound like a broken record. If you repeat a truth often enough, does it become a lie? Keir Starmer launched his ten-year plan for the NHS, kicking any measurable improvements firmly into the second term. And he famously said sausages when he meant hostages. I expect he was hungry. The Tories remained very, very quiet, as if gagged. And enjoying it.


In royal news, there were two new TV programmes about Prince Andrew’s laughably bad interview on Newsnight. And King Charles was trying to kick Andrew out of Royal Lodge for not paying his rent and not paying for repairs. And still probably one of Andrew’s better months.


In the entertainment world, people were talking about the Oasis reunion tour and complaining about the cost of ‘dynamically priced’ tickets. And protestors chucked some more soup at Van Gogh’s sunflowers. Can you remember why? Me neither. In weather news, the Met Office said that the summer had been the coolest since 2015. Which sounds like the set-up for a joke about the Oasis reunion...


Further afield, there was another failed assassination attempt on Donald Trump. Donald was out golfing in Florida and narrowly avoided a hole in one. And four NASA astronauts continued to be stranded in space, rotating helplessly and unable to do anything. Like the Democrats. On the plus side, the Hubble telescope found a supermassive black hole. Another one. Keir will be pleased. And Ukraine and Gaza continued to be difficult territory for humourists. Sorry, guys.


Here is a selection of the top stories from September 2024. Click through to read the stories and see the author credits. Scroll down to see some of the month’s best headlines.


UK Politics


US Politics


Royal News


Other News


Headlines


Inventor of rear view mirror looks back on his career

NASA: stranded astronauts exposed to Van Allen radiation belt "unlikely" to possess superpowers

Kuenssberg allows Labour just one more week to use public finances black hole excuse

' ' goes without saying

Choking is often caused by going down the wrong way

Hacked railway departure board more accurate than the real one

Joe Biden 'assassination attempt' just an accident with a stapler

New hospital ratings: Poor, Inadequate, Shameful, Broken

NHS reform: all forms to be redesigned

Photo of arable farm may have been cropped


Actually, September 2024 was a pretty good month for the headlines, so here are some more:


University goes bust after spending all its funding in the first week of term

Jailed Van Gogh vandals were from Just Stop Oils

Activists throw sunflowers at Warhol’s painting of tins of soup

GWR running trains instead of buses this weekend

Starmer asks wife to play hide the hostage

Customs huge epilepsy medication seizure

If being racist makes me racist then I'm racist, says racist

Met Office say coolest Summer since 2015 nothing to do with Oasis

Dentists' Union told to stop advocating "One out, all out" policy

Nuneaton restaurant closes after first week

Road Closure: The M1 was closed yesterday due to an accident. They were supposed to close the M11

'Washing Weekly' only available on-line







Episode 52: Squirrel baseball, Dolphin addicts & the Ultimate Hiccup Cure

Comedy news from NewsBiscuit

Featuring Guests: SparklyBob, Sketchly and Dan Sweryt

Host: Wrenfoe. Aug-Sept 2025

http://www.newsbiscuit.com/ Weare also listed onSticher,Pocket Casts,Deezer, Listen Notes, Podcast Addict & Castbox,YouTube,Spotify,Apple iPlayer Podcast, Amazon Music & Anchor


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