Aries: This month the wind will change while you’re doing your sex face, and you’ll stick like it. Fortunately, you’ll be alone when it happens. You can’t go out looking like that, you’ll scare old ladies. Stay at home, and wait for Tomasz Schafernaker to issue a hurricane warning.
Taurus: The person who loves you more than life itself, who would die or kill for you, will be by your side every day, all day. Honestly, stalkers nowadays just laugh at restraining orders.
Gemini: As Venus enters your sign on all fours, a chance encounter with a handsome stranger leads to romance. This will be followed by a trip to the chemist the next day to buy the morning after pill, an appointment at the clap clinic a few weeks later, and a lecture from the STI nurse who will call you a daft tw@t for not using the willy wellies she gave you last time.
Cancer: You will run into an old friend this month. Sadly, you’ll be driving a car and he’ll be crossing the road when it happens. Euggh!
Leo: Due to an Electoral Roll cock-up, a beloved pet will be called up for jury service, and through a sequence of ludicrous events will end up being elected Foreman. This may result in friction when they return to the family home and expect a greater say in the decisions affecting the house. However, you will be spared this upheaval if your pet is a goldfish as they will have forgotten all about this on the taxi journey home from the court. Your significant colour this month will be Unassuming Beige #21 on the Pantone scale.
Virgo: Your dream of becoming a successful travel writer comes true this month, when your review of a bed and breakfast in Shitterton gets 2 likes on TripAdvisor.
Libra: Nope, I’ve got nothing for you this month. Don't let that bother you. Well, not too much anyway. Mind you, the last person I said that to didn't get his affairs in order, and look where he is now! There's always the chance you might be okay, possibly, but I wouldn't hold your breath. Oh, that's what happened to the last guy. Oops!
Scorpio: The planets have an important message for you; ‘You matter. Don’t give up!’ No, sorry – I read that wrong. It actually says, ‘You don’t matter. Give up!’.
Sagittarius: A little bird tells me that you believe horoscopes are not real, and it's all made up. After your head becomes jammed between two awkwardly parked Volkswagen Beetles on Church Road at 11:34 next Thursday morning, your faith in astrology will be restored like never before.
Capricorn: Don’t worry, it happens to everyone. Just not as often.
Aquarius: As Saturn enters your house of employment, you will feel slighted when someone in a position of authority fails to recognise the value of your input at work. Consider these words from Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, ‘The work is its own reward.’ Conan Doyle did NOT say, ‘If your boss annoys you, p!ss in his desk drawer.’ Expect a call from the HR department soon.
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Contributions from and hat tips to:
sydalg – Taurus
lockjaw – Cancer
FlashArry – Leo
Sinnick – Libra
SteveB – Sagittarius.