Aries
You will meet someone tomorrow that will change your life in a profound way. Or you could just pay that tax and everything will be back to normal.
Taurus
Unfortunately, the cat got at your charts so the reading has somewhat slewed. Watch out for hairballs, the wrong kind of litter and the smell of tuna. Keep working on that purr, and avoid mice at all times, no matter how tasty they may look.
Gemini
Using a fairground as a metaphor, your life, so far, Has been all swings and roundabouts. From now on it will be dodgems and waltzers. Make of that what you will.
Cancer
You have about 5 minutes left to live by the time you've finished reading this. Just about time for a crafty wank, considering your heart condition
Leo
You need to revisit your childhood trauma. Turns out you were a massive bellend and you need to confront that with honesty and courage. Probably be best to have a few pints beforehand so you can fake the honesty and courage.
Virgo
The person you saw across the packed train this morning. They feel the same way too. And they're in the house right now.
Libra
If life repeatedly gives you lemons you have to worry about who is suggesting replacement items for your on-line supermarket shop
Scorpio
As an intelligent, questioning Scorpio, you've always wondered if ultra processed foods are really that bad for you. Good news - your curiosity is about to be satisfied. Always assuming that St. Peter knows what the answer is.
Sagittarius
The heavens are very much in your favour, you are living your best life at the moment. This is as good as it can be.
Depressing thought isn't it ?
Capricorn
The moon is very dominant in your chart this month. You may feel the urge to moon your boss, police officers, your neighbours, and/or members of the clergy. If you do succumb to temptation then you should be aware that a magistrate will have heard the 'it was in my horoscope' defence before, and that it is unlikely to get you off.
Aquarius
You will bring great joy to a number of families this month. So kudos to you for always carrying a donor card
Pisces
You have had recent run ins with a close family member. They have condemned your behaviour and you cannot disagree. They have humiliated you and wounded your pride. And rightly so.
Authors
Simonjjames: Aries, Leo, Virgo
Deskpilot: Scorpio, Pisces
Flasharry: Taurus, Sagittarius,Libra
Sinnick: Cancer
Lockjaw: Gemini, Aquarius
