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Newsbiscuit Writer of the Month October 2025


ree


Well Deskpilot has done it again with a very creditable 42. SimonJJames has given Desky a good run for his money, but just fell shy. All the links, the one-liners and the cartoon of the month below as usual


ree

Front Page, News in Brief and Features


apepper



billclay






Chipchase



deejaygo1887



Deskpilot










eppursimuove





ian searle



James_Doc




jeremynh











Lockjaw



McDabble



Newsbiscuit Editorial Team




rogt







Rowly




simonjjames


















sinnick



Sir Lupus




Sketchly



SteveB






Sully











Throngsman












Titus






Wrenfoe










Cartoon of the month goes to Lockjaw with Trump reacts to the announcement of Nobel Peace Prize winner


Headlines


Adrian Bamforth   

     

Chelmsford Prison denies sex offender asked for packed lunch

Hamas promise to try and be less murdery

Louvre thieves still trapped in Escher section


apepper     

     

Meerkats and penguins behind Madagascar coup attempt


Benvoleo       

 

Full stop thief to get a long sentence


bobski 


Reform MP complains of non-Aryan model in Nazi cosplay ad


Deskpilot      

 

2p or not 2p, that is the question, Rachel

Airbnb lists 30 room Windsor house at very reasonable rates

Art thieves got in through Louvre window

CofE appoints female archbishop 'in good faith'

Dodgy PPE fails to protect Baroness Mone

Gulliver's Travels fan disappointed by online Swifties group

Israel surprised that Hamas have sent back Shergar

Lecornu to quit and be reappointed on a weekly basis

Lost your AWS internet services? Try asking next door...

Posh coffee £7.50. Posh coffee poured down the drain in Richmond, £157.50

Rachel Reeves panics as Keir Starmer expresses 'full confidence' in her

RFK: well, circumcision made me autistic

Scottish hairdresser fails to get on to curling team

The Andrew formerly known as Prince

The Longer Legs project is making great strides

Things happening in Celebrity Traitors definitely news, says BBC

Tired comedian diagnosed with irony deficiency

Tories promise to abolish Stamp Duty, Europe and gravity

Trump nominated for Nobel Taking The Peace Prize

Weighing machine enthusiast builds scale model

Well Plaid

Westminster council slow to deal with snail farm fraud


dominic_mcg 


Blacksmiths vote to strike while the iron is hot

Bonnie Blue to sue government over “one in, one out” scheme       

Dance student leaves Ballet School with a 2:2

Farage reminds Reform voters to put their clocks back to 1938

Footwear reality show to get reboot


eppursimuove   

         

First Archbishop of Canterbury no bishopric


Granger    

       

New Japanese PM To be known as Stainless Steel Lady?


ian searle      

 

Experts claim Louvre Heist may actually have been a Caper


James_doc    


Cutbacks at military firing range see staff fired


jeremynh    

    

Hadush Kebatu 'honoured' to be elected Labour deputy leader


jim Skinz       

  

Andrew says he'll duke it out over Royal Lodge removal

Church of England introduces Rector points at its gift shops

Judge late for court case blames missed carriage of justice


Joe    

  

Turkish barbers say stop calling us 'Grooming Gangs'


lockjaw   

        

Bouquets for Hyacinth

Diane 'Annie Hall' Keaton dead at 79. Oh, well. La di dah. :(

Jilly Cooper bonked her head


mcdabble      


Cease-fire may include a certain period of resume-fire, says Trump

Gone Dancing

ICE has freed up jobs that shutdown furloughed workers can take, says Trump

Right to free speech to be restricted to protect freedom of expression

Skin colour is not about the colour of your skin, says Jenrick

Starmer challenges Farage to a game of conkers

Zelensky gets Big Orange Nothing


mick turate    


Gaza to become World's largest golf course

Remake of Dixon of Dock Green to portray him as a racist homophobic bigot

Trump awards himself a Trump Peace Prize

Trump imposes 100% tariffs on Nobelia


Midfield Diamond     


‘Brain disorder caused by circumcision’ claims dickhead


Modelmaker  


BBC demands part of the policing budget for the crimes it claims to have investigated

Celebrity chef arrested for poaching salmon

Historians claim the birdman of Alcatraz wasn't trans after all

Rape music DJ charged

Tiddlywinks championships attacker shot by counter-terrorism police

Trump adds 3 more sides to the Pentagon: a strip joint, casino and a brothel


Newsbiscuit Editorial Team 


Rachel Reeves rents house to man named Andrew


Paul L 


UK elastic band company stretched to snapping point


ron cawleyoni 


Andrew still refusing to be dislodged


rowly  


Bra manufacturer goes tits up

Corbyn joins another Pantomime in the run up to Xmas


santosh       

    

Andrew and Epstein masks selling well for Halloween

Prince Andrew will be available for panto this year


simonjjames 


Conservative leader Badenoch pledges to ban climate change

Huge news about area procrastinator later

Prince Andrew to run as Reform UK MP in next by election

Prince Harry called up from reserves into Royals first team


sinnick      

      

Man blames his dyslexia on a misspelt youth


Sir Lupus        


Jenrick wants more white faces as leader of opposition


sketchly      

    

Disappointment and frustration for Starmer as sausages still not released


SteveB 


Apple introduces revolutionary new laptop with no laptop

Follow the Mone-y

White House down


Throngsman  


God fined for pouring rain down coffee drains

Trump deports Habeas Corpus


Titus   


Arrested Louvre thieves ask to be transferred to Chelsmsford Prison - at least temorarily

Baby-rapist singer fails to complete life sentence

British monarch & Pope praying together proves one thing - no-one gives a stuff

Eurostar plans double-decker-bus replacement service

Hamas worried freed Israeli hostages might leave negative Tripadvisor comments

'It's OK to have a mere woman as Archbishop of Canterbury' says C of E

Netanyahu offers to help Trump test nuclear weapons- in Gaza

Prince Andrew urged 'You're in a hole - please keep digging'

Protesters riot outside Chelmsford Prison, demanding 'Why isn't he in here?'

Refurbished White House to incorporate an orangery

Trump ends 1 war in Gaza, and starts 8 more in USA cities


tonymc      

      

Badenoch reveals: 'I identify as a white upper class racist'

Blair suspects Gaza has weapons of mass destruction

GB news to open GoFundMe page for Andrew & Fergie

It's official: Met Police are now run from Tel Aviv

Jenrick highlights whites not intergrating in Hansworth

Jenrick insists, I can be a bigger pillock than Farage

Johnson asks Covid inquiry, What is a Cobra meeting?

Stone tablet shows Hadrian wanted Picts to pay for the wall

Trump insists Mexico will pay to rebuild Gaza

Trump: Moses was quite a guy , but people say I'm better


Walter Eagle  


Met urges Windsor sex offender to hand himself in





Writing on the wall as sales of Trump 2026 kitchen calendar stall bigly

Updated: Nov 2

ree

Reports emerging today suggest sales of the President Donald J  Trump 2026 Calendar are 'sluggish', seemingly, with many dyed-in-the-wool MAGA cult members unwilling to make a date with it.


Cletus Abernathy from Bona Venture Arkansas, who describes himself as a part-time, moronic and clueless village idiot, is one such devotee unwilling to part with the cool $2500 asking price.


Speaking to Fox News he said: 'Mary Lou, my good lady, done told me she wanted a copy but I refused to buy it. As a god-fearing devout Christian I could not allow her to look upon an uncensored image of the president, as depicted in July. On account of him being stripped to the waist and mudwrestling JD Vance, while Pete Hegseth, in Speedos, looks on and 25 scantily clad cheerleaders shake their pom-poms.


'I mean, you can actually see Mr Trump's fully exposed right butt cheek, and the prospect of that amorphous blob of shapeless corpulent flab hanging over me for thirty-one days, as I'm tryin' to chow down my squirrel pie, turkey gizzards and grits, did not appeal. No siree.


'So I told Mary Lou. Now see here, honey, if you want to look at something as old and petrified as Trump's ass then I'll just send off to England and get cousin Zeke to mail us the Cliff Richard one like he does every year.'


image from grok

Deported migrant got more than £500

Updated: Nov 2

ree

Border Force officials are pleased to see the back of an asylum seeker finally deported to Ethiopia today.


The press are reporting that the man was paid £500 so that he wouldn't make a fuss. Insiders say that he got a lot more than £500.


Our source said, 'That man was an ace negotiator. He was relentless. He asked for, and received, all kinds of amazing stuff.


'He got a signed photograph of Sir Mark Rowley, head of the Met Police, so that he could show his family who had lost out big time at hide and seek. He had to promise that he wouldn't share it with the press or post it on social media. He seemed very trustworthy, so our negotiators said yes. He also got Keir Starmer's wife's recipe for Lemon Cheesecake, the freedom of Epping, twelve sticks of seaside rock from Clacton, some nice clothes, and Sushi for the flight home.


'On the plus side, he has promised not to tell everyone in Ethiopia about the five hundred quid and the other goodies. So hopefully that will encourage Ethiopians to stay at home and not to take a trip to the UK.


image from pixabay

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