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Newsbiscuit Writer of the Month August 2025


ree


Another month and another cmprehensive win by Deskpilot, scoring exactly twice as many points as the nearest challenger (in this case, me!). Wren and Eppy have made great strides as well.


Thanks to everyone contributing and making this site so worthwhile. As usual the links to the FPs. NiBs and Features are below the leaderboard., followed by the cartoon of the month, followed as ever by the full list of headlines.



ree

Front Page, News in Brief and Features


billclay



Chipchase



Deskpilot
















dominic_mcg



eppursimuove








Hokeyloki



ian searle




Filthy Rich





james_doc




jeremynh





Jim Skinz




Joe



Lockjaw




McDabble



Council covers potholes with paintings of tarmac


Midfield Diamond





Modelmaker




Newsbiscuit



scribbles







sdferris5



SteveB



stewartbarclay







Sully







Throngsman
















Titus



Wrenfoe















Headlines


Adrian Bamforth    

     

Conspiracy theory web site ramps up security

MasterChef presenters to be processed on 'one in one out' basis

Palestine unrecognisable


ashbery           

 

Basal cell carcinoma thanks healthcare workers for removing it from Gordon Ramsay


bigbadbob      


BBC to renew Met Office links, Tomasz Schafernacker to get new seaweed

Fruit growers say struggling jam industry should be preserved

Sex pest cricket captain accused of ball tampering

Trump nervous ahead of “tricky” third date with Putin


Deskpilot    

     

Ailing garden centre has deep rooted problems

Ailing sofa maker has deep seated problems

Beachcomber gets shingles

Boomerang maker experiencing diminishing returns

Cash strapped universities forced to consider British students

Egg farmer poached staff from competitor

Farage stops short of promising to run trains on time

Frisbee team accused of throwing a game

Gaza experiencing a Special Nutritional Operation, not a famine, says Netanyahu

Girl scouts' cake wins brownie points

Illegal musicians thought to be working in concert

Inexperienced burrito maker gets a bad wrap

Lame duck flies from Alaska to Washington

Lotus slams on the brakes

Mortgage rate falls from Absurdly High back to Extremely High

Mr Benn dons angel costume

Posh supermarket cafe shrugs off coffee price rise - 'our customers can afford it'

Prosthetic firm to stop sales of arms to Israel

Putin agrees to give surrender a chance. Not his, obviously

Reform calls for caps on school children

Researching your grandkids? Try our 2nd generation software

Trump nominated for Nobel Piss Prize

Trump's ceasefire plan bombs

Trump's favourite movie? Chicken run

Weight loss jabs make fat profits

Worldle to finally recognise Palestine


dominic_mcg 


Bisto denies using stock photos on packaging

Easyjet passengers to pay more for sober, fully-clothed pilots

Harry and Meghan sign new Netflix deal. £6.99 for 12 months

Meghan on who said 'I love you' first, admits it was Uncle Andrew

Putin says Alaska summit 'very useful' as he prepares to invade Alaska


dumbingdown            

 

Trump and Putin meet in Alaska to start a new cold war

Rupert Lowe reports Air France flight to Heathrow as alien invasion


Granger       

      

Zoo with just one dog found to be Shih Tzu


hokeyloki       

  

Students for Forestry degree told to apply through clearing


ian searle      

   

Police to arrest all male TV and Radio presenters from the last 50 years, "Just in case"

Prince Andrew biography a real stomach turner


jim Skinz     

     

Cadbury says plan to shorten popular bar is Flake news


joe        


5/1 on Government increasing gambling tax

Attempted foreign assassin disappointingly white

Have you been mis-sold compensation potential?

Interest continues to rise in Food Banks

Lips locked over loch leak

Strictly line dancing controversy

The best exotic immigrant hotel now streaming


kman3609    

  

Government plan to change 999 to a new 17 digit number, promises to half ambulance waiting times

Heatwave forces restaurant closure, as chef unable to stand the heat

Israel defends deadly strike on children’s Pillow fort.

Scientists find a 5-minute run can extend your life, if you're running from knife wielding robbers

Trump sues Magic Mirror, after it claimed Abraham Lincoln was the best President


mcdabble    

    

All eyes on Trump. Again. He loves that. Nothing will happen. Again

Govt announces competition to create new, inclusive English flag

Labour accuse Reform of not delivering on asylum plans

Putin thanks Trump for another 'creative and entertaining' deadline

Risk of throwing the whole chaotic asylum system into chaos

Starmer to replace all No10 staff with potatoes

Successful meeting in Alaska unlikely if Trump present, says analysts

Thought For The Day lost in The Moral Maze

Trump appoints Dianne Abbott as Commissioner of Bureau of Labor Statistics

US criminals queueing up to join National Guard

US officials accuse Europe of supporting a European country


mick turate     


Organised crime group downgraded to shambolic by Offblag


Modelmaker  


AI headline generators to check spelling on 'Trump's Dumbass Deal for Ukraine'

Politician claims meaning of Egyptian hieroglyphs were never written in stone

Recognition of Palestine state, even less clear than what Brexit meant

Records reveal Dodge City, Kansas was put together by cowboy builders

Relief as violent, anti-asylum nutjobs now appear to be flagging

The Orwell Society sues Reform UK Council over breach of Ministry of Truth copyright

White House orders more chairs to seat growing list of European leaders


MrQ     


Asylum hotel offers penthouse with stunning view of riots

Chalk and Cheese authorities set to hold talks over differences

Getting out of bed strongly linked to having a crap day

Water shortage crisis deepens


ron caweleyoni       

      

Putin invites Zelensky to 1 to 1 meeting in Alaska hotel conference room, on the 8th floor

Supermarkets blame carrot shortage on 70 + year old drivers panic buying!


rowly   


Highway Code states that we should give way to the Right at roundabouts

santosh            

Trump and Putin had productive meeting talking about Taylor Swif


sinnick     

         

Kimi Badenoch suggests migrants should be sent to Danish zoos

Remaining Masterchef episodes to feature just a still photograph of a set of saucepans


SteveB 


Kamala's security detail removed to help protect Trump's security detail from Trump

Retired thief can't take it any more


stewartbarclay    

         

Trump to cut crime in Washington DC by leaving it


sully   

 

Germany feeling ‘much less embarrassed’ about Nazism thanks to America


Throngsman  


Trump to host next season of Deal or No Deal


Titus    


BBC decides to just tell it like it is, and simply re-names its TV series 'NastyChef'


Titus    


Corbyn's new 'Invisible Party' still has fewer members than Reform has MPs

'If protesters try to paint slogans high on walls, steps will be taken'

Starmer leads Europe's Coalition of the Reluctant


tonymc    

          

Badenoch pledges more Oil & Gas, and to call in Nat. Guard

Cooper to order critics of Israel to wear a badge

IDF not an army , IDF not an army , look into my eyes not around the eyes

IDF: we dont target kids ,we just got lucky

Reform and Taliban both reject Human Rights Convention

Reform insists food delivered by illegals tastes different

Tel Aviv confident UK now under Israeli control


will      

 

Farage announces engagement to Zia Yusuf





Netflix to abandon movie titles

ree

Streaming behemoth Netflix is to stop giving its in house movies conventional titles.


‘We don’t need to,’ said an executive, ‘because we sell all of our movies on star power. In future, our movies will have descriptive titles like ‘Action Thriller with Sean Bean and Dame Kiri Te Kanawa’ or ‘Weepy Sob Story with Pierce Brosnan and Queen Latifah.’


‘Our subscribers know that our movie offerings are driven solely by the movie stars. We don’t care about the script, the plot, the cinematography or anything else. It’s the stars that sell the movies.  We can take any dumbass script, sign up some movie stars by waving a big cheque, and it's job done!  No offence to Thursday Murder Club, obviously.


‘Now we won’t have to think up movie titles, and we won’t need focus groups to fuss over them.


‘There is an exception to this new rule. We plan to retain conventional titles for franchise movies. We will swoop in on any half-decent franchise if the Hollywood studios show any sign of weakness. If anyone is going to do Fast and Furious 77 or Rocky 101, then it will be us. In those cases, we can dispense with the stars because the title will sell the movie.


‘Critics say that, once the stars have faded from everyone’s memory, we will end up with a back catalogue of unwatchable movies.  But we don’t care about that.  We can always rent them out to the cheapo streaming channels like U&Cry or U&MacGregor.  In the here and now, we need to sell more and more and more subscriptions until we’ve taken over the whole world, and crushed Apple TV into the dirt.’



Reform voters after "Clacton Face" left out of pocket and frozen faced

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By our Summer Fashion Trends Reporter, Des Perrott



Following the identification of “Mar-a-Lago face” amongst wealthier MAGA supporters, it is now believed that many Reform UK supporters are copying their own leader’s unique look.


It has been nicknamed “Clacton Face”, or more simply “The Clac”, after the seaside town where Farage spent some time last year. The “Clac” consists of a grey and receding hairline and a perma-tan face with distinctive tree-ring pattern of wrinkles created by years of alternately gurning then switching on a serious political expression, often in a cloud of smoke.


However, supporters have been known to go to great lengths in this display of loyalty, despite many not having much money and it looking particularly odd on his female supporters. Inevitably, as our research department’s analysis shows, there have been unfortunate results.


We spoke to Bert Smith, a retired turf accountant in Basildon. According to Bert, “I managed to dye and shrink my Beatles wig to get the hairline and got a block booking at the tanning salon but the wrinkles were the problem. I can’t afford plastic surgery - I bet it would be on the NHS if we hadn’t let so many migrants in - so I had to ask a bloke down the Tattoo Parlour to see what he could do for twenty quid.


“He tried his best in half an hour but now my mates say my face is frozen like a pink-cheeked rabbit in the headlights. Honestly, it’s a scandal. People will think I support Starmer.”



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