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Amazon delivers its first UK bombs by drone



Need some ammunition fast, on a sharp deadline to commit a war crime? Look no further, Amazon can deliver bombs right to your front door or your neighbour's head. Said one UK Minister, 'We've been struggling to export enough death to the Middle East, but thanks to this speedy service, we can now wreck mayhem 24/7. No footsteps. No fingerprints. No awkward conversations within the Hague.'


Using the tagline "Set it. Forget it. Briefly regret it", the drones are the ultimate labour‑saving device—particularly if you don't want witnesses. All the convenience of 21st century shopping, and with none of the peace protestors. Just slightly more moral doubt. Said one manager, 'The market is literally exploding.'



Polanski once said “I’ll just be a minute” but actually took longer


Reports are emerging that crazy extremist Zack Polanski, who has the gall to lead a political party that might do well in yesterday’s elections, once told someone “I’ll just be a minute” but actually took longer.


A piece in today’s Timesegraph quotes an unnamed source saying “We were going for a drink after work, and he quite clearly said ‘I’ll just be a minute’. So I waited, but in the event he took more than two minutes - almost three, in fact.


”I’m not in any way a bitter, resentful, pathetic excuse for a human being, but I thought your readers deserved to know the truth about the man who may soon have the keys to no 10.”


There are also allegations that Polanski once left dirty dishes in the sink despite promising to do the washing up, made tea with a spoon that had been used for coffee without rinsing it, and even squeezed the toothpaste from the middle of the tube.


The article went on to say that being Jewish in no way proved that Polanski isn’t antisemitic, adding “That’s just the sort of clever thing they do.


”He may also be homophobic despite being a poof - though obviously that’s not a word I’d ever use myself.” 



Exclusive: Micro submarine expedition team embarks on search for Boris Johnson's integrity


In a startling development like something straight from a Jules Verne novel, a team of scientists has entered the bloodstream of Boris Johnson inside a micro submarine, for what many say is a forlorn and doomed mission.


Professor Jorge Schmidt of UCL told reporters: 'Using new technology our team was reduced temporarily to microscopic size and is currently searching inside the PM for even the slightest trace levels of integrity or decency.'


It's understood the scientists were ingested painlessly via Mr Johnson's glass of warm milk, and have seventy-two hours to complete their mission in the high-tech craft.


Professor Schmidt gave this update on progress: 'Unsurprisingly, we have drawn a complete blank thus far. What's more the mission is fraught with danger. Last night things nearly came to a sticky and premature end on no less than twenty occasions.


'The sub was in the region of his testicles when Mr Johnson suddenly indulged in a frenzied and sustained bout of masturbation whilst reading about Winston Churchill. Mercifully, he fell asleep before the team was ejaculated, enabling them to navigate to a safer and considerably less active zone - his conscience.


'Our greatest fear however is if they should mistakenly end up in the vicinity of Mr Johnson's cavernous arsehole. Although, in such circumstances each member has been issued with a quick-acting cyanide tablet.'




First published 8 May 2022


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