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Prince Philip to guest edit NewsBiscuit


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The Palace has confirmed that the request for the Duke of Edinburgh to guest edit NewsBiscuit is likely to become a reality. Founder John O'Farrell put the request in to Buckingham Palace in 2009 after a boozy night with some BBC writers and an undisclosed bet, but the request was prioritised down to the lowest level and never reached fruition during the Prince's life.


Since the Prince passed demand for his patronage has declined markedly, with few new requests being made most weeks. Consequently, the request is now reaching the top of the list, just behind a request to open the Flint Greggs store (opened without the Prince in 2005, closed two years later and now home to a charity shop selling pre-loved porn) and a guest appearance on Jim'll Fix It.


'The Duke would have loved the guest edit gig,' said a Palace spokesman today. 'He wasn't that tech-savvy, but he loved the print version, especially the racist homophobic bits. When did you change your name from the Daily Mail?' he asked.


First published 5 Dec 2022




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New conspiracy theory suggests Queen's 2012 Olympic parachute jump was fake

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'Typical load of cobblers' a spokesman for the Palace stated. 'Probably concocted by some wretched republican halfwit.  The originator of this outrageous theory is liable to charge of treason, and imprisonment in The Tower.'


Slightly more credible is another conspiracy theory, which accepts that the Queen, obviously, did do the jump (she wasn't the kind of person who would duck out of a challenge, or willingly participate in any kind of deception) but that a stuntman had to take the place of Daniel 'James Bond' Craig. This was because the film company's insurers weren't prepared to underwrite the risk of exposing such a valuable actor to that degree of danger.


A member of the late queen's household later revealed that, in private, Her Majesty had subsequently described the event as 'A bit of a doddle, really.  It wasn't as if it was even pissing down with rain or anything.  I have a Prime Minister, remember, who can carry out any necessary public performances in the rain when needed.'



Picture credit: Wix AI

Newsbiscuit Writer of the Month Competition March 2024


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Those who experience Newsbiscuit by dipping into the odd post on Twitter or Facebook, or by wandering onto the home page may not be aware we run a monthly competition to discover the writer of the month. As part of the competition round-up we post all the articles posted in the previous month along with all the headlines and also the winning cartoon of the month on a blog.


Enjoy a walk through the March 2024 monthly round-up - all the articles are hyperlinked. If you have a favourite Newsbiscuit author you can find all of their work co-located together. If you think you can do as well, or even better than the writers listed this month then consider joining - it's free and we're a supportive bunch.


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Deskpilot has topped the leaderboard (again) with a brilliant set of headlines plus a not too shabby run of FPs and NiBs.  SteveB has kept the pressure on and eppursimuouve brings up a creditable third place.


As usual the hyperlinked subs are at the top of the list, in author alphabetical order, followed by the March cartoon of the month, followed by the headlines listed in author alphabetical order.



apepper



Chipchase



david2468



Deskpilot



eppursimuove



Ian Searle



Jack the Quipper



jbpage



Jeremynh



Jim Skinz



McDabble



Modelmaker



sketchedbyboz



SteveB



SteveB & Ashbery



stewartbarclay



Suburban Dad



Sully



Throngsman



Walter Eagle



Wrenfoe



Cartoon of the month is Budget secrets explained by Modelmaker


Headlines


Adrian Bamforth     

        

Hamas wins Rochdale by election

Andrew to be photoshopped out of Royal Family

Proposed Rochdale Primark to stock suicide vests


apepper      

        

Paperless NHS controversy as they start with the toilets


Ashbery 

             

BBC considers ground force offensive against Pyongyang

Gaza receives first U.S. airdrop of Mexican aid workers


bigbadbob         


Critics slam “Girl with a Pearl Earring” as dull sequel to “Girl with the Dragon Tattoo”

Doctors to follow Holby City, only Casualty to remain, as art imitates Tory NHS funding

Katie Price double bust

Tory PM manages to make Downing St announcement without resigning


Deskpilot      

     

A&E admissions fall 'unconnected to McDonald's IT outage'

After San Diego triumph, Katie Boulter expected to win Wimbledon

Boeing chief exec defenestrated

Diane Abbott: Tory donor was rude about me 30 times, no, 3000 times, no, 3 million times

Fight or flight? Ryanair customers can have both!

Gynaecologist targeted by smear campaign

Investigation begins as 12.15% of Russians fail to vote for Putin

Kate doctored royal photo to edit out Primark trainers

Prankster admits clockwork car plan is a wind-up

Qatar offers to host Winter Olympics

Scientists breed featherless duck with no downsides

Scottish summer time delayed until June

Spectacle thief robs victims blind

Staggering increase in people who walk erratically

Striking print union members revert to type

Teen's decision to quit Facebook causes mixed emoticons

Thames water bills must rise or dividends will dry up

Ukraine to change flag colours after losing legal battle with Lidl

Wine maker says grape juice is a must

Worktop company starts counter fraud investigation


dominic_mcg   


11 year old BMW driver was pulled over when police noticed him using indicators

Oncology Department tells patients “we’ll treat you like royalty”

St George’s cross? He’s f*cking furious


Granger


New sign on Cabinet Room Door, No Tools Left Here Overnight.


Hokeyloki         

  

Correction: Lee Anderson is now a Reform MP, not a reformed MP

Crap cricket team gets all its ducks in a row

Palace admits Paddington tea photo may have been faked

Putin cracks down on Western music by launching State-approved app, Despotify

Spoonerism quipsters all ready for Psalm pun day


ian searle    

       

Jeremy Hunt follows Super Tuesday with Mediocre Wednesday


Jack the Quipper            


School offers photo with "just the pretty young teachers" for Dads


Jim Skinz   

         

Houseowner accused of flat-shaming poorer neighbour

Irritating sun-cream seller says he was just rubbing it in

Surveillance of dog kennels is dubbed a Snoopy's charter

Thief who stole ton of laxatives last year is still on the run

UN Security Council calls for immediate ceasefire in Tory Party


Joe        


‘Cyber Flasher’ had floppy disk

9 out of 10 dentists recommend going private

Baby born on flight incurs several Ryanair charges

Cops comb Combs’ home

Eid fast approaching

Local nonce strongly denies being a Tory

Low inflation affecting Bouncy Castle Hire

NHS puts the stoppers on the knocker blockers

Tik Tok winding down


Lockjaw       

       

Israeli Eurovision entry is reprise of Boom-banga-bang

Onanist stays in bed all day on Palm Sunday

Steve Harley of Cockney Rebel gets booking from God: 'Come Up and See Me (Make Me Smile)


mcdabble     

     

Bank Man not Freed

Chef borrows recipe then returns the flavour

Frank Hester donates massive scandal to Conservative Party

Gaza famine only counts at night, says Israel

'Giving Up' listed as most popular UK pastime

Government Law Makers Step In to Clarify Offside Rule

Home Insulation Targets laid out in Government's New Draft Plan

Pope Revives Great Catholic Tradition of Pandering to Fascism

Starmer Bans Humous from Labour Party

Stirring up hatred is to be made a crime only if its done anticlockwise

Tory plan to tax hope, unlikely to raise significant revenue, say economists


micca  


Conservative Party classified as extremist under new definitions


Mick Turate       


Boat Race crews say they just went through the motions this year


Modelmaker     


Drivers astonished by how much faster their M25 journeys have been today

Kate urged to join #Me Too movement after reports of being touched up

Waiting list for prison places now almost as long as NHS waiting list


rogerg  


Hull undertakers expecting police to have a stiff talk with them


ron cawleyoni  


Army to allow beards, Hipsters fear conscription

George gets the cream

Grant Shapps himself


Sir Lupus      

      

Tories not prejudiced about colour of money


Sketchly       

       

Sexual orientation acronym longer than alphabet


SteveB 


Biggest Tory Party donor, Frank Hester, buys immunity from racism

Lib Dems and Greens 'not crazy enough' for Rochdale

McDonald's not lovin IT

New Oscar category includes Sweatiest Performance

Northern Irish shocked at news they have a political system

Rishi Sunak declares war on his war on motorists

TikTok replaced by baboons flinging sh!t at a pig's breakfast

UK housing policy detached. From reality

UK receives first emergency aid air drop from Gaza

Vladimir Putin offers one of his body doubles to Kate


stewartbarclay


Gove namechecks both Judean People's Front and People's Front of Judea

Hazard lights mean I can park 'wherever the f*ck I like' reveals school-run parent

Oppenheimer blows away Oscars

Russian Presidential Election: Putin practising his surprised face


Sully     


Wheat farmers bracing themselves for Theresa May retirement


Titus     


Baltimore bridge suffers hardship

Bloody giant redwood trees, coming over here and absorbing our carbon dioxide

ISIS claim responsibility for Special Terrorist Operation in Moscow

Photoshop applies for royal warrant

Port of London fears closure if Oxford (or Cambridge) hits Hammersmith Bridge

Wales & Italy, as ever, are way ahead in Six Nations Choral Contest


Will       


Sunak: Entitled Lunatics Seizing Control of UK



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