top of page
Search

Newsbiscuit Writer of the Month May 2025


ree

Deskpilot has swept the board once again, and isn't subject to the vagaries of the Wren rule this month so can proudly hold the virtual trophy above his head. Sully has had a commendable month, edging ahead of Wren and, er, Titus. Well done everyone who submitted and especially those who scored.


As usual the Cartoon of the month is featured below the leaderboard, as is the full list of tickers.




ree




Front Page, News in Brief and Features


Adrian Bamforth



apepper



ashbery



bigbadbob



billclay



ChrisF



Chipchase



DanWakling



Deskpilot



docholiday



Dominic_mcg



eppursimuove



Gerontius



Granger



herculepoisson



hokeyloki



ian searle



james_doc



jim Skinz



jeremynh



Joe



Lockjaw



MADJEZ



McDabble



Midfield Diamond



Modelmaker



MrQ



Newsbiscuit



Rowly



sarah tipper



Sketchly



Sir Lupus



sockpuppet



SteveB



Stewartbarclay



Sully



tacitus



thesquire



Throngsman



Titus



Tonymc



watchermark



Wrenfoe



Cartoon of the month goes to Lockjaw with Behold! The Antichrist


Headlines


Adrian Bamforth    

    

Bus replacement services to be nationalised

New Pope's Latin Masses to be shortened for adverts

Sycamore Gap: Police still looking for the brains of the operation


apepper  

        

Stable genius manages to get himself sued by Harvard Law School

TV Series about colour-blindness gets the grey light


ashbery      

     

Madame Tussauds demand return of Kemi Badenoch

Police concerned over early prisoner release of former colleagues

Starmer heads off further criticism with UK-EU Freedom From Information Agreement


bigbadbob   

  

BBC stops paying Lineker £700k per apology

Golden Eagles spotted in England just trying to get on Spring Watch

Mirror expert warned after exposing his massive parabolics

Pete Hegseth leaks identity of next Pope

Plans for offshore windfarm blown out of the water

Trump claims crowds still booing Biden


Chipchase    

 

Boris Johnson strongly supports Farage's plan to lift two-child benefit cap

Assisted Dying bill slipping away

Bistro closes because all its servers are down

Deal to bring back MFI stores falls apart

Door Dash places £2.9bn order with Deliveroo

Farage determined to get his winter fuel payment

Four in 10 universities face financial challenges - that's over 75%

Games teacher mistakenly celebrates the 80th Anniversary of P.E. Day

Gas company launches new tariff that includes one explosion per year

Harvard University to move to Canada

Kid who swallowed magnets left in A&E on the fridge door

King Charles says Harry can't have mobile phones or media privileges until he grows up

Man puts tanning salon plans on the back burner

Man who trashed tea urn finds himself in hot water

Starmer to move civil servants out of London. To Rwanda

Substitute campanologist turns out to be a ringer

Trump realises that Putin has made him look like a complete tw@t

Trump tariff hokey cokey continues


Docholiday    


Struggling blinds company told - 'pay up or it's curtains'


dominic_mcg


"Call The Midwife" film announcement premature, says BBC

Netanyahu to allow 'basic amount of food into Gaza'. The IDF have to eat, he said

Sir Tom 'Kwik Fit' Farmer declared unroadworthy

Two-child benefit cap may be replaced by alternative headgear, says Rayner


gerontius    

    

Govt to honour remaining VE war heroes by scrapping their winter fuel allowance

Popemobile to be replaced with golf buggy says Vatican


Granger    

       

A big clap for the new vaccine!


hokeyloki  

      

Prince Harry finally praised by UK - for keeping Farage's ugly gurning mug off the front pages


ian searle    

   

Trump visits Saudi America


james_doc     


Conclave to Include Swimsuit Round

Parents worried teens are going on the rails


jeremynh   

     

Generous chimney seller tells customer: "It's on the house."

Truth dawns on Flat Earther after round the world cruise


jim Skinz  

       

Archaeologists find spade and deckchair near Sutton Hoo bucket

BBC investigated by Ofcom after gameshow fails to involve Bradley Walsh

Trump demands 145% of Zhao Xintong’s prize money


Joe    

  

Driving instructors do ‘U Turn’ on fees


lockjaw     

      

Enlightened American Pope to reduce tariff of Hail Marys for each penance by 25%

Israel approves major expansion of illegal West Bank settlements

Trump calls Putin crazy


MADJEZ       

    

Trump blasts corrupt Eurovision as US fails to win yet again


mcdabble   

   

After imposing huge tariffs, US bombs Houthis to protect world trade

Biden's US economy in recession, while Trump's US economy booms

Mexican Navy ship crashes while captain looking for Gulf of Mexico on US map

Prevost Wins Big Father

Trump loses patience in talks with Russia. Oh no, sorry, the European Union

Trump threatens tariffs on Melania

Trump: I was joking when I said I wasn't joking

Two-child benefit cap to be scrapped, but third child to be taxed from six months

UK economy grows 'ironically'


Modelmaker  


Americans call for referendum on return to being ruled by British King

BBC complains that ITV's Magpie stole Blue Peter's shiniest ideas

Elbow to get joint billing with Kneecap on Glastonbury Pyramid stage

Farage promises under Reform, doctors would be urged to prescribe beer and fags

Hopes that EU deal, may allow basic amount of food back into UK shops

Labour to offer referendum about exchanging Eurovision for EU membership

Prisoner requests day release to visit his jailed ex-governor

Reform-controlled councils ban sale of milkshakes

Starmer: "We can't rebuild the Red Wall, as Rayner has used all the bricks for housing"


MrQ    


Container ships now providing door to door service

Cucumber raita narrowly misses out on literary award

Digging gets underway to find Tories latest poll rating

Government to appoint new Minister of U-turns

Nearly 2 years in and over 50,000 Palestinians dead but make no mistake Israel have been warned

Posh lady distraught after catching a common cold

Suspicious campers charged with intent

UK in talks to hold talks about talking

UK sends trade envoy to Israel to discuss weather

Undercover officer still in bed

United seek criminal defence lawyer


Paul L 


Board game thief uses a get out of jail free card


rowly  


Gary Lineker quits BBC, "I was only saying I had supported my mate Gazza"


sockpuppet   


Trump wins Goebbels BS Award after latest interview


Sully   


Reform vow to give British fish the vote


thesquire      

  

Doctor Who avoids the hideous monster that is Eurovision


Titus   


'Britain has secret base on Chagos islands'. So how do you know?

Cardinals say 'Wahey, Lads! It's a lock-in!'

Disappointment that Pope from Peru fails to adopt name Paddingtonus

Dogs looking forward to the next ban collar day

Evri parcel now allegedly at risk of being Dropped, Hidden or Lost

New reservoir plans don't hold water

Vegetarian reluctant to join 'meat too' movement


tonymc      

      

Europa Final greenest yet as millions switch off

Israel insist 9 year old killed was senior Hamas commander

It's not Genocide if victims aren't Jews says UK


Walter Eagle  


Trump Wants Foreign Movies Tariffs.. For A Few Dollars More


watchermark 


Trump: the Bird-brained Man of Alcatraz


wrenfoe      

    

Starmer criticises Kanye for not being racist enough




Horoscopes for June 2025, by the Constant Plancks

ree

Aries


There is considerable scope for health improvements this month. A stethoscope will be helpful. And a gastroscope. And, unfortunately, a colonoscope. And also a telescope. Don't worry - the doctors will get it out.


Taurus


You know that thing with the thing that that person was talking about. Well, it will turn out OK. I hope that makes it clear for you.


Gemini


A tall, dark, handsome stranger looms large in your future, followed by a long and painful convalescence. Not all bears like to be hugged.


Cancer


You will fall deeply asleep in the arms of your lover after some steamy sex in a wheat field. Which is why you won't hear the combine harvester bearing down on you. That will be a bit of a bind, so to speak.


Leo


Your life will be in such a spin this month that you probably need to make use a gyroscope rather than a horoscope.


Virgo


Your charts have become very complicated after you paid good money to name some stars after members of your family.


Aunty Kitty will be in conjunction with your second cousin Ned for the rest of the year. This will bring happiness, anxiety, shame, and a criminal conviction – not necessarily in that order.


Uncle Antonio will make a close pass near Uranus, so you are likely to feel nervous, but also relieved.


NASA will launch test firings at Nana Ruth, to stop her spinning helplessly out of control.


You will come to realise that the star naming thing is a bit of a con. Eventually. Hopefully.


Libra


Not the month to go on a tour of a bell foundry, if you know what's good for you. While we're about it, best cancel that tour of the brewery. Ding-dong and cheers.


Scorpio


You drive a top of the range Ford from 1995, but still don't understand why no one respects you


Sagittarius


Sensible, staid, safe. Leave the exciting stuff to others. Being boring never killed anyone - at least, anyone worth knowing.


Capricorn


If you wake at dawn, you will have an insight that could change the course of human history. However, we both know that you're a lazy sod. So thanks for nothing. You waster!


Aquarius


They say many a mickle makes a muckle. By the end of this month, you will have a substantial muckle. The stars aren't clear about a muckle of what. Ooh, it's exciting, isn't it?


Pisces


As temperatures rise and the holiday season hits its stride, your thoughts turn to steamy seasonal romance and flirtatious dalliances. However, don't set your sights too high - you are making a big ask of Bognor.



Includes horoscope contributions from:


deskpilot : Aries, Virgo

SteveB : Scorpio

FlashArry : Gemini, Pisces, Sagittarius



Picture credit: nightcafe.studio

Pirate Font, Bullet-Proof Armadillo and Mr.Biscuit - NewsBiscuit Podcast 49


 

 

 


ree

 


 

Episode 49: Pirate Fonts, Bullet-Proof Armadillo and Mr.Biscuit

Comedy news from NewsBiscuit

Featuring Guests: Sketchly & Dan Sweryt

Host: Wrenfoe. May-June 2025

http://www.newsbiscuit.com/ We are also listed on Sticher,Pocket Casts,Deezer, Listen Notes, Podcast Addict & Castbox,YouTube, Spotify,Apple iPlayer Podcast, Amazon Music & Anchor

bottom of page