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Newsbiscuit Writer of the Month June 2024

Another storming month for Deskpilot. I'm expecting a major score at the end of the year as Deskpilot seems to be going on from strength to strength. Unfortunately, this means we need to invoke the Wren rule again as Deskpilot won last month so eppursimuove takes the crown this month.

As usual the full set of links follows the leaderboard, as does the cartoon of the month and the full list of headlines.

Front Page, News in Brief and Features









Ian Searle

Jack the Quipper


Joanne Starkie


Midfield Diamond






Sir Lupus







Walter Eagle



Cartoon of the month goes to Lockjaw with Ed Davey's plan for continuing HS2 development




Bingo callers introduce "Gamblers' Den" for number 10

Crow admits to "feeling pressure" to fly in straight line

Manchester airport threatens to run "usual service"

Sunak corrects biggest gaff claim - "biggest gaff so far"

Tories commission Treasury report confirming Sunak is 6'3"

Tories to bring back Blitz spirit by "random bombing"



Baby delivered in car came with free coke and garlic bread

Contraceptive gel applied to shoulders is effective, but makes arms go floppy

Korean balloon war reaches new heights

National arboretum to be axed

Venice bans opera singing in public and Cornettos


New Meal Deal Offer: a sandwich, a drink and a selected bacterial infection

Starmer happy with England Team boringly doing the bare minimum and finishing top

Supermarkets say E-Coli Free sandwiches only available with Loyalty Card


Tories walking slowly investigated by Ambling Commission


After Diana's gown sale, Andrew tries to flog his trousers

Card game addict told to snap out of it

Chip van commmemorates D-Day with a frypast

Defence: Keir Starmer commits to unclear deterrent

Ed Davey completes tour of all Britain's theme parks

Farage bludgeons kittens: Reform polls rise again

Farage drops support for himself, but says people should still vote for him

Gay Welsh voters targeted by Pride Cymru

Julian Assange disappointed at missing out on Rwanda

Miss Alabama weighs in against online trolls

MPs caught betting on how many MPs will get caught betting

Old folk wondering why Rishi wants to stop the goats

Rishi regrets taking Boris's advice about lying

Rishi: Go back to your constituencies and prepare for oblivion

Snooker club employee sacked for pocketing balls

Tory manifesto launched on the side of a driverless bus

Tory strategists accused of rishful thinking

Trainee bread maker has something to prove

Trial of US journalist Evan Gershkovich to take place behind closed minds

Trump starts building his own prison - just in case

Ventilation expert disappointed by Onlyfans website  


Bookies no longer taking bets on the date of the Election

Politician tells lie. Exclusive.

Princess Anne in a stable condition

Royal Mail can’t guarantee postal votes will arrive before August

Top Of The Pops reboot to feature dance troupe Trans People

Tories can’t understand why they’re so unpopular


Did you vote Conservative in 2019? You may be eligible for compensation!

Football paused for lightning - Southgate sees hope of reanimating England team



C on Clacton

MP having buttock reduction surgery afraid he might lose his seat

ian searle      


Fire brigade called to massive blaze in Rishi Sunak's pants drawer

Greek coastguard threw Owl and Pussy-Cat overboard from beautiful pea-green boat

Larry the Number 10 Cat to be investigated by the Gambling Commission

Media Tycoon diagnosed with Wedding Cake Addiction

RSC bans crowd surfing

Sir Ian McKellen to star in stage adaptation of 'The Fall Guy'

Spring Lambs are being investigated by the Gambolling Commission

Jack the Quipper         


Green Party manifesto set in stone as paper is non-sustainable


Oh Dear. How Sad. Never Mind.

jim Skinz     


Farage launches "Stop The Floats" campaign

Gandalf the Greeeeeeeeeeeeeey

Man who made fortune from iron toy is world's first magnet magnate

North Korean remake of Around the World in 80 Days 'is a stinker'

Police chief sacked for claiming he fought at Agincourt

Sauron was provoked by Middle-earth, claims Farage

Sunak leaves G7 conference early "because he left the oven on"

Sunak thanks Judith Bullingdon for scoring England’s first and adds “only three wickets to go”

Tories launch “Stop the bets” campaign

You shan't have a dishy, poor old little Rishi...



ChatGPT told to 'shut it'

Conservatives offering free zimmer frames to voters on election day

Man who had large mole removed from nose says 'the worst thing was those front claws'

Sunak admits having Attention Deficit Hyper-rich Disorder

UK Told: Global Warming Not For You

Mick Turate       

Glastonbury Festival organisers make emergency appeal for mud

Rishi Sunak runs out of feet to shoot himself in


Farage promises to cut tax from beer and fags

Mouse jugglers pretending to work fired by Rentokil

Rentacrowd announce price hike for final week of election campaign

Sunak promises to cut spending waste on quangos such as the Gambling Commission

Tories promise referendum about England leaving the UK


Sunak arrives at Silverstone and asks when the football is kicking off

Paul L   

Starmer still at D-Day commemorations as staff forget to pick him up



Cowgate: 'Such instances are rare. Medium-rare at worst' says police chief

Met Police - 'The Tories are like Pokemon. We're slowly collecting them all'


Angry couple announce their enragement

Court found guilty by Trump

Don't worry, Rishi, your core support will have forgotten about all this by teatime

French call, organise and hold election in time it takes UK PM to dry off a suit

Miller fed up with the daily grind

Panda rams cow

Politician poking lentil 'has his finger on the pulse'

Surrey Police win Michelin Star for tenderising beef


Tories to try writing STOP THE BOATS in bigger letters to see if that works

Tory Party Chairman wins game of musical 'safe' seats

'We were too rich to afford poor friends' says Rishi Sunak



Ed Davey urges police car to drive into him

International crisis as Germany runs out of beer

Organ donor loses heart

Sunak admits he only made speech in pouring rain 'for a bet'

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