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ree

It's the time of year for celebrating the work of everyone who contributes to NewsBiscuit as writers, editors, cartoonists and the various backroom activities that keep this site running.


We've had a fair few new writers join us this year - welcome - and hopefully this post will find itself opened by people who don't know that much about NewsBiscuit, so a little background might help.


The site exists to provide a space for aspiring and existing comedy writers to hone their comedy writing skills. We don't pay for submissions, but equally don't claim copyright to published or unpublished offerings. None of the editors or other people involved in running the site get paid, and any funds received through the sale of books and donations is used to keep the site running and to satisfy our legal obligations. If you have bought one or more of our books this year (or read them via Amazon Kindle Unlimited - we get paid per page read), thank you. The same goes to anyone who had donated during the year.


There are five categories in this annual competition plus the ultimate Writer of the Year - the person who through a combination of fine writing and consistent persistence has been published often enough to accrue more points than any other writer on the site.


Before that we'd like to acknowledge all the writers who have submitted work in the various formats we publish, regardless of whether you were published or not. Without your contribution we wouldn't have a site to run. This year we have published contributions from nearly one hundred writers. We have published 2282 Front Pages, News in Briefs, Features and Headlines. In addition we attributed 85 hat-tips to writers who pitched in to help improve or just contribute to other persons' submissions.


And let's not forget about the cartoons and the people who create them. We don't include cartoons in the Writer of the Month competition, so there aren't any points to add up, but this year 757 cartoons were published originating from just twelve contributors. In alphabetical order they were: BillClay, Deskpilot, Granger, hughdwink, joe, kman3609, Lockjaw, Modelmaker, sdferris5, Throngsman and watchermark. Of special note is the contributions by Modelmaker who has produced over 500 cartoons and Lockjaw (over 200) who provide the lion's share of the cartoons.


The first category is for the Hat Tip - this generates one point per hat-tip and this year it feels like there's been more collaboration than in previous years. Hopefully that will continue to increase. The top ten contributors, ranked from number one to number ten are:


 

Hat Tip WOTY

1

Deskpilot

2

FlashArry

3

sinnick

4

Modelmaker

5

SteveB

6

Lockjaw

7

james_doc

8

simonjjames

9

Sir Lupus

10

Titus


well done Deskpilot, and many thanks to those other contributors.


The next category is Headlines. A difficult medium to be funny in as the writer has a short character count to write a topical (usually) joke with a powerful punchline. But it still only attracts one point each per headline! Out of over 1200 headlines the authors who were most frequently published, again in rank order and listing the top ten, are:


Headline WOTY

1

Deskpilot

2

mcdabble

3

tonymc

4

Titus

5

Modelmaker

6

MrQ

7

bigbadbob

8

dominic_mcg

9

jim Skinz

10

Adrian Bamforth

Again, congratulations to Deskpilot. McDabble gets an honourable mention with nearly 140 headlines published.


The Features award (it's listed as LA on the monthly stats, a hang-over from the old site when it was called Left Alert despite featuring on the right hand side of the page for the last few years) is awarded to longer or more off-beat submissions and attracts four points. The top ranked contributors to this category, (I've included more than ten as everyone from FlashArry and below are equally ranked) with number one listed first are:



Features WOTY

1

Lockjaw

2

Deskpilot

3

SteveB

4

Alba Late

5

ChrisF

6

sinnick

7

Sydalg

8

FlashArry

9

hokeyloci

10

james_doc

11

jeremynh

12

nicka

13

rowly

So congrats to Lockjaw who collates and produces the monthly horoscope.


News-in-Briefs are (generally) shorter than the Front Page offerings and accrue two points in the WOTM competition. Typically two a day except on weekends where we tend to publish one. However this isn't a hard and fast rule with extra NiBs published when there's enough publishable material and/or there are some so topical they would spoil otherwise. The top ten authors are:



NiB WOTY

1

wrenfoe

2

Deskpilot

3

Throngsman

4

eppursimuove

5

jeremynh

6

billclay

7

Sully

8

Titus

9

simonjjames

10

james_doc

Gratz to Wrenfoe for heading this category. So successful we named an arbitrary rule after him (the Wren Rule)


Finally, before we get to Writer of the Year, we have the Front Page winners. The Front Page is the category many of the writers aspire to, usually but not always a longer form prose.



Front Page WOTY

1

Deskpilot

2

eppursimuove

3

jeremynh

4

Throngsman

5

Sully

6

james_doc

7

billclay

8

SteveB

9

nicka

10

wrenfoe

Desktop being top of the list shouldn't be a surprise to regular readers of NewsBiscuit, as he is so often on the Front Page and wins Writer of the Month more often than not.


Which brings us to the Writer of the Year award, gained through amassing the most points throughout the year. Deskpilot wins the ultimate accolade, and well deservedly. Not only does Deskpilot regularly score points in all the categories in each month, he scores highly. Unrelated to this he also does a lot of background stuff for this site, which is generally unreported.


Well done Deskpilot.




Writer of the Year

1

Deskpilot

2

eppursimuove

3

wrenfoe

4

Throngsman

5

mcdabble

6

jeremynh

7

Titus

8

Modelmaker

9

tonymc

10

billclay

Happy New Year toall our readers, writers, editors and backroom people




ree


ree

Deskpilot has pulled it off again scoring what is one of the largest scores I can recall since the competition started eight years ago. Jeremynh and I drew joint second and third place goes to McDabble with an impressive headlines score.


As usual the links to all the subs are below, followed by the Cartoon of the month and tail-ended with the headlines that were published this month.


Then I'll be off to calculate the Writer of the Year, so look out for another posting, possibly tonight!


Front Page, News in Brief and Features


apepper



billclay







Chipchase



DavidH



Deskpilot




















Dominic_mcg



Emerick Meriwether




eppursimuove




harrypalmer



ian searle



James_Doc





Jamie Dodger



jeremynh













Lockjaw




McDabble





Midfield Diamond




Newsbiscuit Editorial Team



Robowurzel



Scribbles





Sir Lupus




SteveB



Sully







Throngsman














Titus



Walter Eagle



Wrenfoe












youngbsl



Cartoon of the month goes to Deskpilot with Trump mobile phone: shipping now!!!


Headlines


Adrian Bamforth        


BBC: Trump lawsuit will not affect Mrs Brown's Boys repeats schedules

Builder offers to cover Bayeux Tapestry for half the cost using tarpaulin

Crown Jewels attackers taken into custardy

Repeats of Roy Rogers TV shows to come with Trigger warning


apepper    

      

Dickens' Christmas Carol may have been ghost written

Doctor says Trump's stool sample "normal" after hearing his speeches


BillClay    

        

Bill for Covid enquiry forwarded to Michelle Mone

Gaping hole causes unexpected canal leakage

New Trump warship looks suspiciously like a Venezuelan oil tanker painted gold

Pathetic, whiny man to get made up Peace prize from sycophantic football bellend

World Darts Federation creates an Orange Piece of Crap Prize


Deskpilot    

   

Bayeux tapestry: was the truth embroidered?

Bored entomologist persists with tick boxing exercise

Cut price fish bought by cheapskate

Doctors call off strike, but call in sick with flu

Gazans not keen on Xmas footie game in no man's land

Government borrowing: Reeves takes all the credit

Government will reverse all tax rises if enough people complain

Holly Willoughby fined £1,600 for careless queue jumping

Impecunious masochist is always strapped for cash

Israel wins Eurovision after everyone else pulls out

Jake Paul: Come back here and I'll bite your legs off

'Macbeth' Starmer worrying that Burnham would

Man who invented Pot Noodle wins FIFA prize for Science

Man who lives on mountain top says there are downsides

Nativity play director uses a crib sheet

Netanyahu approves new settlement on the Isle of Wight

Netanyahu tells Australia it's all their fault

Plans for new library shelved

Putin says Russia will take Eurovision by force

Salah, Farewell, Auf Wiedersehen, Goodbye...

The Guardian reports first F1 win for Chuck Norris


dominic_mcg 


Italian dinosaur footprints could be David Attenborough's


hokeyloki    

    

England win in Australia - Hell "closely monitoring" temperatures


ian searle     

  

Confused horticulturist not sure what to do when sent on Gardening Leave

Psychologist who postulated 'Imposter Syndrome' doesn't think they deserve the credit

Teachers to be trained to spot early signs of children not liking sprouts


james_doc    

 

Bonny Blue Endorses Reform, "I know all about screwing the UK"


jim skinz       

  

1980s tribute band formed in Yorkshire: T't'pau


Lockjaw 

         

BDSM club out on the lash for Christmas

Pope: no-one can hold a candle to Archbishop Moth


mcdabble   

   

David Walliams denies saying 'Bitty' in editorial meeting

FIFA awards 'The FIFA prize in Economics' to Donald Trump

Frozen Russian assets must be defrosted for 24hrs before use, say experts

GP surgeries overwhelmed with patients 'not feeling Christmassy'

Greenland to annexe Alaska

I ended 8 wars so I'm owed starting one, says Trump

Invisible Man seeks 'Inappropriate Friends' in Balmoral area

Museums now so boring that not even staff notice if stuff goes missing, says report

Parish council accuses Jewish residents of 'attracting extremists'

Putin has only a few days left to make The Simpsons' prediction come true

Scientists discover that Zebras have stripes so they are less likely to be spotted

Scots still not spent coin after 900 years

Trump ballroom will be built to last 1000 years

US is now the world's leading unclear power

Your Party expels every single member in quest for ideological purity


mick turate   

 

Keir Starmer bans all Labour voters from visiting Jeremy Clarkson's pub

Mr Blobby outed in Epstein files

RSPCA Lottery tells cats and dogs to gamble responsibly


Midfield Diamond     


US encourages visits from Australian under-16s


Modelmaker  


Air traffic controllers' strike planned for Christmas Eve 'beyond belief' says Santa Claus

Andrew relinquishes shotguns but retains double-barrelled name

Arguments over the rules of new board game enter 5th day

Genetically modified Brussels sprouts promise half-hearted farts

Global warming blamed for unusually early flu season

Kakologophobics demand 'having a shit' is replaced by the more genteel 'having a Farage'

Pam Bondi's dog given Christmas homework of eating remaining Epstein files

Russia awards Trump the No Balls Peace Prize

Shrinkflation: Terry’s chocolate orange reclassified as chocolate satsuma


robowurzel  

   

Australia bans News Biscuit for under-65s


rowly  

Crop circles discovered in Trump's hair

Starmer offers Putin the Isle of Wight in exchange for Crimea

'Your Party' waiting for appointment at Identity Clinic


santosh    

       

Trump is once again 'very close' to achieving nothing


sinnick    

        

Frenchman gets fed up with egg jokes: 'Un œuf est un œuf'


SteveB 


FIFA kicks racism back into football

Great British Railways loses track


sully    


DoJ apologises for asking Yossarian to do Epstein redactions


Titus   


All juries accidentally permanently discharged

Another Russian general dies in a Special Military Accidental Explosion

Perverted farmworker's crimes described as 'harrowing'

PM spends tax revenue on apprenticeships for youngsters sacked due to increased tax on employers

Proposed international octopus protection plan 'has legs'


tonymc      

      

Badenoch : I love this country, it's only it's poor I hate

Badenoch decides not to ask PM how Covid enquiry is going

Badenoch vows to keep making faces at Starmer

FIFA sells football's soul to Satan

Fraudsters lobby for return of Tory Government

Jesus was English insists Yaxley Lennon

Labours fault Tories closed or sold 219 Courts says Badenoch

Proposed ID cards to clearly specify, Royal, Lord, Peasant or Andrew

World laughs as Britain hands out it's Empire medals


Walter Eagle  


Sinatra upset Muslim leader: Golden Frank incensed Emir


writingbsl    

   

1st century Strep evidence: 4 Hoarsemen of the Apocalypse

Chinese return UK gvt data: too inaccurate





ree


Well Deskpilot has done it again with a very creditable 42. SimonJJames has given Desky a good run for his money, but just fell shy. All the links, the one-liners and the cartoon of the month below as usual


ree

Front Page, News in Brief and Features


apepper



billclay






Chipchase



deejaygo1887



Deskpilot










eppursimuove





ian searle



James_Doc




jeremynh











Lockjaw



McDabble



Newsbiscuit Editorial Team




rogt







Rowly




simonjjames


















sinnick



Sir Lupus




Sketchly



SteveB






Sully











Throngsman












Titus






Wrenfoe










Cartoon of the month goes to Lockjaw with Trump reacts to the announcement of Nobel Peace Prize winner


Headlines


Adrian Bamforth   

     

Chelmsford Prison denies sex offender asked for packed lunch

Hamas promise to try and be less murdery

Louvre thieves still trapped in Escher section


apepper     

     

Meerkats and penguins behind Madagascar coup attempt


Benvoleo       

 

Full stop thief to get a long sentence


bobski 


Reform MP complains of non-Aryan model in Nazi cosplay ad


Deskpilot      

 

2p or not 2p, that is the question, Rachel

Airbnb lists 30 room Windsor house at very reasonable rates

Art thieves got in through Louvre window

CofE appoints female archbishop 'in good faith'

Dodgy PPE fails to protect Baroness Mone

Gulliver's Travels fan disappointed by online Swifties group

Israel surprised that Hamas have sent back Shergar

Lecornu to quit and be reappointed on a weekly basis

Lost your AWS internet services? Try asking next door...

Posh coffee £7.50. Posh coffee poured down the drain in Richmond, £157.50

Rachel Reeves panics as Keir Starmer expresses 'full confidence' in her

RFK: well, circumcision made me autistic

Scottish hairdresser fails to get on to curling team

The Andrew formerly known as Prince

The Longer Legs project is making great strides

Things happening in Celebrity Traitors definitely news, says BBC

Tired comedian diagnosed with irony deficiency

Tories promise to abolish Stamp Duty, Europe and gravity

Trump nominated for Nobel Taking The Peace Prize

Weighing machine enthusiast builds scale model

Well Plaid

Westminster council slow to deal with snail farm fraud


dominic_mcg 


Blacksmiths vote to strike while the iron is hot

Bonnie Blue to sue government over “one in, one out” scheme       

Dance student leaves Ballet School with a 2:2

Farage reminds Reform voters to put their clocks back to 1938

Footwear reality show to get reboot


eppursimuove   

         

First Archbishop of Canterbury no bishopric


Granger    

       

New Japanese PM To be known as Stainless Steel Lady?


ian searle      

 

Experts claim Louvre Heist may actually have been a Caper


James_doc    


Cutbacks at military firing range see staff fired


jeremynh    

    

Hadush Kebatu 'honoured' to be elected Labour deputy leader


jim Skinz       

  

Andrew says he'll duke it out over Royal Lodge removal

Church of England introduces Rector points at its gift shops

Judge late for court case blames missed carriage of justice


Joe    

  

Turkish barbers say stop calling us 'Grooming Gangs'


lockjaw   

        

Bouquets for Hyacinth

Diane 'Annie Hall' Keaton dead at 79. Oh, well. La di dah. :(

Jilly Cooper bonked her head


mcdabble      


Cease-fire may include a certain period of resume-fire, says Trump

Gone Dancing

ICE has freed up jobs that shutdown furloughed workers can take, says Trump

Right to free speech to be restricted to protect freedom of expression

Skin colour is not about the colour of your skin, says Jenrick

Starmer challenges Farage to a game of conkers

Zelensky gets Big Orange Nothing


mick turate    


Gaza to become World's largest golf course

Remake of Dixon of Dock Green to portray him as a racist homophobic bigot

Trump awards himself a Trump Peace Prize

Trump imposes 100% tariffs on Nobelia


Midfield Diamond     


‘Brain disorder caused by circumcision’ claims dickhead


Modelmaker  


BBC demands part of the policing budget for the crimes it claims to have investigated

Celebrity chef arrested for poaching salmon

Historians claim the birdman of Alcatraz wasn't trans after all

Rape music DJ charged

Tiddlywinks championships attacker shot by counter-terrorism police

Trump adds 3 more sides to the Pentagon: a strip joint, casino and a brothel


Newsbiscuit Editorial Team 


Rachel Reeves rents house to man named Andrew


Paul L 


UK elastic band company stretched to snapping point


ron cawleyoni 


Andrew still refusing to be dislodged


rowly  


Bra manufacturer goes tits up

Corbyn joins another Pantomime in the run up to Xmas


santosh       

    

Andrew and Epstein masks selling well for Halloween

Prince Andrew will be available for panto this year


simonjjames 


Conservative leader Badenoch pledges to ban climate change

Huge news about area procrastinator later

Prince Andrew to run as Reform UK MP in next by election

Prince Harry called up from reserves into Royals first team


sinnick      

      

Man blames his dyslexia on a misspelt youth


Sir Lupus        


Jenrick wants more white faces as leader of opposition


sketchly      

    

Disappointment and frustration for Starmer as sausages still not released


SteveB 


Apple introduces revolutionary new laptop with no laptop

Follow the Mone-y

White House down


Throngsman  


God fined for pouring rain down coffee drains

Trump deports Habeas Corpus


Titus   


Arrested Louvre thieves ask to be transferred to Chelsmsford Prison - at least temorarily

Baby-rapist singer fails to complete life sentence

British monarch & Pope praying together proves one thing - no-one gives a stuff

Eurostar plans double-decker-bus replacement service

Hamas worried freed Israeli hostages might leave negative Tripadvisor comments

'It's OK to have a mere woman as Archbishop of Canterbury' says C of E

Netanyahu offers to help Trump test nuclear weapons- in Gaza

Prince Andrew urged 'You're in a hole - please keep digging'

Protesters riot outside Chelmsford Prison, demanding 'Why isn't he in here?'

Refurbished White House to incorporate an orangery

Trump ends 1 war in Gaza, and starts 8 more in USA cities


tonymc      

      

Badenoch reveals: 'I identify as a white upper class racist'

Blair suspects Gaza has weapons of mass destruction

GB news to open GoFundMe page for Andrew & Fergie

It's official: Met Police are now run from Tel Aviv

Jenrick highlights whites not intergrating in Hansworth

Jenrick insists, I can be a bigger pillock than Farage

Johnson asks Covid inquiry, What is a Cobra meeting?

Stone tablet shows Hadrian wanted Picts to pay for the wall

Trump insists Mexico will pay to rebuild Gaza

Trump: Moses was quite a guy , but people say I'm better


Walter Eagle  


Met urges Windsor sex offender to hand himself in





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