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ree


Another great month and Desky has done it again, however SimonJJames has given him a good run for his money. Eppy and jeremynh haven't been too shabby and I'd have to look back but I think Titus had his best month in a long time, possibly ever. Well done to all of the above and everyone else who were published this month.


As usual all the links to the subs below the leaderboard, followed by this month's Cartoon of the Month and last, but definitely not least, the full list of one-line headline gags


ree

Front Page, News in Brief and Features


billclay



Bobski




cara




Danny Soz




DavidH



Deskpilot











eppursimuove










ian searle




jeremynh









kman3609



Lockjaw



Midfield Diamond



Modelmaker



Newsbiscuit Editorial Team





Sarah Tipper



scribbles



simonjjames















Sir Lupus




sketchedbyboz




SteveB







stewartbarclay



Sully




Throngsman











Titus







Wrenfoe









Headlines


Adrian Bamforth

        

Cricket legend had a good innings


Adrian Bamforth       

 

Your Party expels Jeremy Corbyn for being too right wing


ashbery   

        

MPs warned of the dangers of poor attendance following summer holidays


bigbadbob   

  

Record breaking pole-vaulter keeps raising the bar

Triple jumper’s performance coming on in leaps and bounds


Bobski 


200 years of rail travel celebrations delayed

Tony Blair is not the Messiah - he's a very naughty boy

UK offers Jimmy Kimmell asylum under "One out, one in" agreement


cara    


People Awaiting ADHD Diagnosis to be Given Even More Admin to Complete


Deskpilot  

     

Abseiler lets himself down while learning the ropes

Asylum Hotel in Epping submits planning application for two new wings

Brighton very handy for my constituency, says Rayner

Donald Trump diagnosed with swollen ego

Gatwich gets second runway. Isle of Wight gets second Subway

Gregg Wallace cooks up legal claim against BBC

Israel complains Eurovision voting is rigged

Labour to become the official opposition party

MPs join tube workers to demand 32 hour week

Netanyahu wakes up with a Banksy tattooed on his forehead

Rayner admits tax fiddle and joins the Tories

Red Bull gives you.....eighty million quid

Snowdon mountain railway scraps peak fares

Starmer reflects that, as PM, you're very much a sausage to fortune

Trump cements his authority over Portland

Trump denies that his Mum took Tylenol

Trump imposes $100,000 tariff on foreign golfers


dominic_mcg


Digital ID protestor still using his Tesco Clubcard


eppursimuove          

  

Harry won’t see his father, but will meet the King


Granger     

      

Sundance loses its best Kid


ian searle   

    

Hedgehog Hospital faces spike in demand

Silhouette artists threaten to publish more profiles online

Tony Blair in discussions to run transitional UK authority


jeremynh    

    

Trump to deport Europe's Ryder Cup team for beating US


jim Skinz    

     

Downton Abbey movie slammed by critics because 'something actually happens in it'


joe    

   

Graham crosses the Line-han


kman3609    

  

Early birds starve, due to tardy worms        

Flawless refereeing performance forces manager to take accountability for loss     

Footballer fails medical after feigning injury

Historian claims Manchester United used to be good at football

Londoners turn to fake sick notes, in the face of tube strikes

Mrs Brown's Boys projected onto Windsor Castle, to deter protestors


Lockjaw   

       

Britain's defiant response to Beijing military parade

Herpetologist and gene editor accused of creating fake newts


mcdabble   

   

Failing rock star takes a long haired look in the mirror

Man in pub still unhappy about Palestine Action arrests

Man who invaded Iraq ideal for Gaza boss, says US

Mandelson pals all realise they weren't his best pal

Not Your Party after all

People smugglers offering season tickets

Reeves to raise money and reduce migrants by taxing RNLI

Reform to hold asylum seekers in sinkholes

Sex offender spotted on the grounds of Windsor Castle

The Left is splitting. Starmer fine; he's not on the left

Trump vows to defend allies WITH CAPITAL LETTERS if required

US Govt skeptical as science links fake tan to narcissism

World in shock as Portugal in the news


mick turate    


Police admit blunder but agree that lessons won't be learned


Modelmaker  


Farage reshuffles Reform UK party, but still ends up with a pack of jokers

Green leader 'Naive and lacking experience'

Lammy appointed Minister without portfolio of properties

Masterchef newcomer says his meat and two veg is superior to Gregg Wallace’s

Reform says facial reconstruction of 900-year old female skull looks a bit trans

Sales boost for black Armani ties

Trump confident of peace in Gaza, as he flogs Israel more weapons


MrQ  

  

Headline length restrictions lead to annoyingly incomplete headlin

Teenager refuses to recognise his bedroom as a state


rowly  


BBC pledges to end use of Roman Numerals by end of MMXXVIX

Sales of "Robinson Croeso" have tripled in Wales

'Very Fond of you' note from Mandelson, could be reason for Epstein suicide


santosh    

       

The size of the far right rally indicates the increasing number of England's incels


simonjjames 


New James Bond could be a Labubu, says Amazon Studios


sinnick       

     

Dickie Bird: Over and Out


sketchly  

        

Man being chased by taxidermists regrets playing dead


SteveB 


Democracy dead, Trump critical

French snatch British world record, achieving 5 Prime Ministers in just 2 years


Throngsman  


Labour says it's Comms leader has resigned six week ago


Titus   


Cash-strapped Alpine Nuns-on-the-Run now seek film contract

Donald Trump starts planning his coronation

Mandelson protests he only befriended WEALTHY paedophiles

Outrage as male non-northerner seeks deputy Labour leadership

Recent Jaguar advert featuring no cars at all was strangely prescient

Red Moon inspires Corbyn's new party's name - Lunatics

Split developing between 'Corbyn Party' & 'New Corbyn Party'

'The bible says it's sinful for women to take painkillers' says Trump

Trump excited to have eaten a Big Mac off a gold plate

Zelenskyy tells Netanyahu that Hamas are hiding on Russian side of border with Ukraine


tonymc   

         

All US medicines banned except Trumpernol

BBC insists public want new town named Farageville

Failed politician Dorres joins fringe politician Farage

Farage gets BBC parking space and a key to the executive toilets

Harry visits Ukraine while Wills arranges his sock drawer

Kirk killer probably a lefty trans Muslim single mother

Rosary rattling child beaters holed up in convent hideout

Scammers admit new IDs might take 10 minutes to hack

UK media say British far right are much nicer than the nazis






ree


Another month and another cmprehensive win by Deskpilot, scoring exactly twice as many points as the nearest challenger (in this case, me!). Wren and Eppy have made great strides as well.


Thanks to everyone contributing and making this site so worthwhile. As usual the links to the FPs. NiBs and Features are below the leaderboard., followed by the cartoon of the month, followed as ever by the full list of headlines.



ree

Front Page, News in Brief and Features


billclay



Chipchase



Deskpilot
















dominic_mcg



eppursimuove








Hokeyloki



ian searle




Filthy Rich





james_doc




jeremynh





Jim Skinz




Joe



Lockjaw




McDabble



Council covers potholes with paintings of tarmac


Midfield Diamond





Modelmaker




Newsbiscuit



scribbles







sdferris5



SteveB



stewartbarclay







Sully







Throngsman
















Titus



Wrenfoe















Headlines


Adrian Bamforth    

     

Conspiracy theory web site ramps up security

MasterChef presenters to be processed on 'one in one out' basis

Palestine unrecognisable


ashbery           

 

Basal cell carcinoma thanks healthcare workers for removing it from Gordon Ramsay


bigbadbob      


BBC to renew Met Office links, Tomasz Schafernacker to get new seaweed

Fruit growers say struggling jam industry should be preserved

Sex pest cricket captain accused of ball tampering

Trump nervous ahead of “tricky” third date with Putin


Deskpilot    

     

Ailing garden centre has deep rooted problems

Ailing sofa maker has deep seated problems

Beachcomber gets shingles

Boomerang maker experiencing diminishing returns

Cash strapped universities forced to consider British students

Egg farmer poached staff from competitor

Farage stops short of promising to run trains on time

Frisbee team accused of throwing a game

Gaza experiencing a Special Nutritional Operation, not a famine, says Netanyahu

Girl scouts' cake wins brownie points

Illegal musicians thought to be working in concert

Inexperienced burrito maker gets a bad wrap

Lame duck flies from Alaska to Washington

Lotus slams on the brakes

Mortgage rate falls from Absurdly High back to Extremely High

Mr Benn dons angel costume

Posh supermarket cafe shrugs off coffee price rise - 'our customers can afford it'

Prosthetic firm to stop sales of arms to Israel

Putin agrees to give surrender a chance. Not his, obviously

Reform calls for caps on school children

Researching your grandkids? Try our 2nd generation software

Trump nominated for Nobel Piss Prize

Trump's ceasefire plan bombs

Trump's favourite movie? Chicken run

Weight loss jabs make fat profits

Worldle to finally recognise Palestine


dominic_mcg 


Bisto denies using stock photos on packaging

Easyjet passengers to pay more for sober, fully-clothed pilots

Harry and Meghan sign new Netflix deal. £6.99 for 12 months

Meghan on who said 'I love you' first, admits it was Uncle Andrew

Putin says Alaska summit 'very useful' as he prepares to invade Alaska


dumbingdown            

 

Trump and Putin meet in Alaska to start a new cold war

Rupert Lowe reports Air France flight to Heathrow as alien invasion


Granger       

      

Zoo with just one dog found to be Shih Tzu


hokeyloki       

  

Students for Forestry degree told to apply through clearing


ian searle      

   

Police to arrest all male TV and Radio presenters from the last 50 years, "Just in case"

Prince Andrew biography a real stomach turner


jim Skinz     

     

Cadbury says plan to shorten popular bar is Flake news


joe        


5/1 on Government increasing gambling tax

Attempted foreign assassin disappointingly white

Have you been mis-sold compensation potential?

Interest continues to rise in Food Banks

Lips locked over loch leak

Strictly line dancing controversy

The best exotic immigrant hotel now streaming


kman3609    

  

Government plan to change 999 to a new 17 digit number, promises to half ambulance waiting times

Heatwave forces restaurant closure, as chef unable to stand the heat

Israel defends deadly strike on children’s Pillow fort.

Scientists find a 5-minute run can extend your life, if you're running from knife wielding robbers

Trump sues Magic Mirror, after it claimed Abraham Lincoln was the best President


mcdabble    

    

All eyes on Trump. Again. He loves that. Nothing will happen. Again

Govt announces competition to create new, inclusive English flag

Labour accuse Reform of not delivering on asylum plans

Putin thanks Trump for another 'creative and entertaining' deadline

Risk of throwing the whole chaotic asylum system into chaos

Starmer to replace all No10 staff with potatoes

Successful meeting in Alaska unlikely if Trump present, says analysts

Thought For The Day lost in The Moral Maze

Trump appoints Dianne Abbott as Commissioner of Bureau of Labor Statistics

US criminals queueing up to join National Guard

US officials accuse Europe of supporting a European country


mick turate     


Organised crime group downgraded to shambolic by Offblag


Modelmaker  


AI headline generators to check spelling on 'Trump's Dumbass Deal for Ukraine'

Politician claims meaning of Egyptian hieroglyphs were never written in stone

Recognition of Palestine state, even less clear than what Brexit meant

Records reveal Dodge City, Kansas was put together by cowboy builders

Relief as violent, anti-asylum nutjobs now appear to be flagging

The Orwell Society sues Reform UK Council over breach of Ministry of Truth copyright

White House orders more chairs to seat growing list of European leaders


MrQ     


Asylum hotel offers penthouse with stunning view of riots

Chalk and Cheese authorities set to hold talks over differences

Getting out of bed strongly linked to having a crap day

Water shortage crisis deepens


ron caweleyoni       

      

Putin invites Zelensky to 1 to 1 meeting in Alaska hotel conference room, on the 8th floor

Supermarkets blame carrot shortage on 70 + year old drivers panic buying!


rowly   


Highway Code states that we should give way to the Right at roundabouts

santosh            

Trump and Putin had productive meeting talking about Taylor Swif


sinnick     

         

Kimi Badenoch suggests migrants should be sent to Danish zoos

Remaining Masterchef episodes to feature just a still photograph of a set of saucepans


SteveB 


Kamala's security detail removed to help protect Trump's security detail from Trump

Retired thief can't take it any more


stewartbarclay    

         

Trump to cut crime in Washington DC by leaving it


sully   

 

Germany feeling ‘much less embarrassed’ about Nazism thanks to America


Throngsman  


Trump to host next season of Deal or No Deal


Titus    


BBC decides to just tell it like it is, and simply re-names its TV series 'NastyChef'


Titus    


Corbyn's new 'Invisible Party' still has fewer members than Reform has MPs

'If protesters try to paint slogans high on walls, steps will be taken'

Starmer leads Europe's Coalition of the Reluctant


tonymc    

          

Badenoch pledges more Oil & Gas, and to call in Nat. Guard

Cooper to order critics of Israel to wear a badge

IDF not an army , IDF not an army , look into my eyes not around the eyes

IDF: we dont target kids ,we just got lucky

Reform and Taliban both reject Human Rights Convention

Reform insists food delivered by illegals tastes different

Tel Aviv confident UK now under Israeli control


will      

 

Farage announces engagement to Zia Yusuf






ree

Deskpilot is back at the to of the leaderboard with a very impressive 64 points across all the categories. Eppursimuouve is in second pace with 29 and yours truly has managed to squeeze out 25 points this month.


Below the leader board are the links to all the FPs, NiBs and features this month, followed by the cartoon of the month and last, but not least, every headline published in July


ree

Front Page, News in Brief and Features


Alba Late




billclay






cara



Chipchase





Deskpilot





















eppursimuove














ian searle




james_doc






jeremynh





Lockjaw



Midfield Diamond





Modelmaker






Newsbiscuit



Newsbiscuit Editorial Team




scribbles




sdferris5



sinnick



SteveB







Sully





Sydalg



Throngsman












Titus



Wrenfoe









wurstcasenews



Cartoon of the month goes to sdferris5 with Swanky Mayfair eatery is still trying to perfect the American lobster roll


Headlines


Adrian Bamforth    

    

Diane Abbott claims Jewish critics are 'just playing the prejudice card'

Increased sleep attributed to people snuggling gangs


ashbery        

   

Co-op concerned all its members now age verified on Pornhub

Director General confirms BBC will not be televising Glastonbury 2026

Streeting left in ACAS corridor for six hours waiting for agreement

Streeting: Midwifery ballots on strike action premature

Sudan, Russia and Israel favourites to host 2026 International Genocide Awards


bigbadbob     


Betting offences MP has a 2 to 1 chance of prison

Drunk lawyer asked to leave the bar


billclay       

     

The Clacton Tapestry depicting an England win in 1066 refused by French museum


dannydodger 


Donald Trump's dog eats the Epstein list before he can release them


Deskpilot   

    

AI helps Keir Starmer plan his next U turns

Amputee surgeon refuses to take the knee

As a precaution, all Reform MPs give up the whip

Catholic church bans nun disclosure agreements

Keir Starmer confirms that Rachel Reeves is 'going nowhere'

Petrol station gets four star review

Pope upset because Sinner wins Wimbledon

Problems at doughnut company were sugar coated

Rachel's tears distract all attention from NHS 10 year plan

Reform tells Kent libraries to ban books with long words

Samaritans threatened with redundancy have no-one to call

Starmer sacks Neil Duncan-Jordon for being double-barrelled

Sylvester Stallone film marathon gets off to a Rocky start

Trump: 'sticks & stones may break my bones, but words - that'll cost you $10bn'

UK to recognise Canada unless Trump agrees Gaza ceasefire


docholliday   


Money Laundering Racketeers get hung out to dry

Rolex are struggling - time is running out


dominic_mcg 


Charges against Kneecap dropped by the facist pigs

Corbyn's new party designated a terrorist organisation

Feminists furious hearing about Lionesses' topless bus parade

Homosexual monk comes out of the cloister

In Hertford, Hereford, and Hampshire, hosepipes are hardly hever hauthorised

Lammy condemns Israel for using weapons UK sold them


dumbingdown      

      

Epstein List names ask Trump for immunity from prostitution


eppursimuove        

    

Israel’s neighbours deadpool - “OK, who had Syria?”


gerontius        


Gregg Wallace issued with hosepipe ban

Trump : 'I don't draw pictures.....I just color them in'


Granger      

     

Hollywood commissions script for "The Madness of King Donald"

Israel announces site of next massacre

Sinners can be winners!

Sue Parfitt to replace Che Guevara as terrorist icon

Symbol for new Musk Party: has to be the Rat


hokeyloki    

    

Claudia Winkelman delighted as Edinburgh fringe joke award cancelled


hokeyloki        


Man convicted of fraud for doing multiple jobs without being an MP

New sponsor for Lionesses - Lastminute.com


James_doc    


Inflation: Blowing up


jim Skinz     

    

Gregg Wallace to join GB News

Male sexual health helpline tells patient 'Your call is impotent to us'

admits his preferred assassination method has gone out the window

Torode in a hole


joe       


A return to bushes as porn requires ID

Stevie Wonder can’t see himself retiring

Wallace releases statement after holding it hostage


MADJEZ    

       

Sycamore Gap pair will be welcome addition to the woodwork shop says prison governor


mcdabble    

  

Aeroflot boss booked in for flying lessons on the 5th floor

LA crash driver beat by crowd 'just getting his revenge in first'

Man United takes decision to print its own currency

Murdoch-Trump case likely to outlast human civilisation, say scientists

Russia struggles to deliver a proper earthquake

Russian stock market surges seeing more chicken taco

Some BBC programs to show warning: May Contain 2020's Social Attitudes

Trump loses patience with losing patience

Trump moves deadline to the Nonteenth of Neverember


Midfield Diamond     


ICE to raid US soccer stadia after reports of Mexican Waves

Trump orders FBI to arrange Ghislaine Maxwell suicide


Modelmaker  


Bumping off Hulk Hogan fails to distract news away from Epstein files

Netanyahu: Palestinian kids aren't being starved. Hamas is injecting them with Ozempic


ron caweleyoni     

     

People smuggling gangs now offering return tickets

Trump sends condolences to George Osborne’s family


rowly  


Bin Men refuse to collect Labour's scrapped policies

Boneless tinned Salmon are more expensive because they are harder to catch


santosh      

     

SpaceX now a terrorist organisation due to their exploding rockets


sinnick   

         

Britain celebrates that the USA is independent


sketchly     

     

Happy Non-Binary 24 hour period

New Romeo & Juliet production: Starmer says he prefers the Capitulates


spankymonkey      

    

Hulk Hogone


SteveB 


Jeffrey Epstein rebrands as Epsy Max

Oasis, tragically, come to end of 16 year long 'Can't be Arsed to Tour' tour

Pile of discarded indoor footwear described as 'a slippery slope'


sully    


Despondent Nigel Farage reveals his lifelong dream: to one day captain a 5-a-side team


Sydalg 


Coldplay notices sharp drop in swingers' party bookings


thatwasbeast 


Starmer now less popular than coffee Revels


Titus   


Calls for failing water regulators to be privatised

Calls for inquiry into continuing mysterious deaths of D-Day veterans

Dianne Abbott suspended from Labour party for 1st - sorry, 5th - sorry, 93rd - sorry, 2nd time

France solves problem of migrants using dangerous small boats by providing larger boats

King Charles III graciously accepts Royal Replacement Bus Service

Poorly-lit hotel with loose stair carpet wins top award from Tripadvisor

'Porn not a problem - but children need protection from toxic politics' say parents

Unanimous 'guilty' verdict in Oz poisoning trial doesn't leave mushroom for doubt


tonymc       

     

Environment Agency reports responsible for 60% of landfill

Farage insists Essex Police are all hard line marxists

Flooded Texans told to pray , yep , that'll work

Illegal immigrants drinking all our water, claims Badenoch

I'm alright Jack Association oppose relaxing planning laws

King calls for unity: billionaires should stick together

Samaritans in merger talks with Dignitas

Tories to celebrate Golden years of Johnson, Truss and Sunak


will      


GB news scout Torode and Wallace for new cookery show




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