top of page
Search

Newsbiscuit Writer of the Month May 2025


ree

Deskpilot has swept the board once again, and isn't subject to the vagaries of the Wren rule this month so can proudly hold the virtual trophy above his head. Sully has had a commendable month, edging ahead of Wren and, er, Titus. Well done everyone who submitted and especially those who scored.


As usual the Cartoon of the month is featured below the leaderboard, as is the full list of tickers.




ree




Front Page, News in Brief and Features


Adrian Bamforth



apepper



ashbery



bigbadbob



billclay



ChrisF



Chipchase



DanWakling



Deskpilot



docholiday



Dominic_mcg



eppursimuove



Gerontius



Granger



herculepoisson



hokeyloki



ian searle



james_doc



jim Skinz



jeremynh



Joe



Lockjaw



MADJEZ



McDabble



Midfield Diamond



Modelmaker



MrQ



Newsbiscuit



Rowly



sarah tipper



Sketchly



Sir Lupus



sockpuppet



SteveB



Stewartbarclay



Sully



tacitus



thesquire



Throngsman



Titus



Tonymc



watchermark



Wrenfoe



Cartoon of the month goes to Lockjaw with Behold! The Antichrist


Headlines


Adrian Bamforth    

    

Bus replacement services to be nationalised

New Pope's Latin Masses to be shortened for adverts

Sycamore Gap: Police still looking for the brains of the operation


apepper  

        

Stable genius manages to get himself sued by Harvard Law School

TV Series about colour-blindness gets the grey light


ashbery      

     

Madame Tussauds demand return of Kemi Badenoch

Police concerned over early prisoner release of former colleagues

Starmer heads off further criticism with UK-EU Freedom From Information Agreement


bigbadbob   

  

BBC stops paying Lineker £700k per apology

Golden Eagles spotted in England just trying to get on Spring Watch

Mirror expert warned after exposing his massive parabolics

Pete Hegseth leaks identity of next Pope

Plans for offshore windfarm blown out of the water

Trump claims crowds still booing Biden


Chipchase    

 

Boris Johnson strongly supports Farage's plan to lift two-child benefit cap

Assisted Dying bill slipping away

Bistro closes because all its servers are down

Deal to bring back MFI stores falls apart

Door Dash places £2.9bn order with Deliveroo

Farage determined to get his winter fuel payment

Four in 10 universities face financial challenges - that's over 75%

Games teacher mistakenly celebrates the 80th Anniversary of P.E. Day

Gas company launches new tariff that includes one explosion per year

Harvard University to move to Canada

Kid who swallowed magnets left in A&E on the fridge door

King Charles says Harry can't have mobile phones or media privileges until he grows up

Man puts tanning salon plans on the back burner

Man who trashed tea urn finds himself in hot water

Starmer to move civil servants out of London. To Rwanda

Substitute campanologist turns out to be a ringer

Trump realises that Putin has made him look like a complete tw@t

Trump tariff hokey cokey continues


Docholiday    


Struggling blinds company told - 'pay up or it's curtains'


dominic_mcg


"Call The Midwife" film announcement premature, says BBC

Netanyahu to allow 'basic amount of food into Gaza'. The IDF have to eat, he said

Sir Tom 'Kwik Fit' Farmer declared unroadworthy

Two-child benefit cap may be replaced by alternative headgear, says Rayner


gerontius    

    

Govt to honour remaining VE war heroes by scrapping their winter fuel allowance

Popemobile to be replaced with golf buggy says Vatican


Granger    

       

A big clap for the new vaccine!


hokeyloki  

      

Prince Harry finally praised by UK - for keeping Farage's ugly gurning mug off the front pages


ian searle    

   

Trump visits Saudi America


james_doc     


Conclave to Include Swimsuit Round

Parents worried teens are going on the rails


jeremynh   

     

Generous chimney seller tells customer: "It's on the house."

Truth dawns on Flat Earther after round the world cruise


jim Skinz  

       

Archaeologists find spade and deckchair near Sutton Hoo bucket

BBC investigated by Ofcom after gameshow fails to involve Bradley Walsh

Trump demands 145% of Zhao Xintong’s prize money


Joe    

  

Driving instructors do ‘U Turn’ on fees


lockjaw     

      

Enlightened American Pope to reduce tariff of Hail Marys for each penance by 25%

Israel approves major expansion of illegal West Bank settlements

Trump calls Putin crazy


MADJEZ       

    

Trump blasts corrupt Eurovision as US fails to win yet again


mcdabble   

   

After imposing huge tariffs, US bombs Houthis to protect world trade

Biden's US economy in recession, while Trump's US economy booms

Mexican Navy ship crashes while captain looking for Gulf of Mexico on US map

Prevost Wins Big Father

Trump loses patience in talks with Russia. Oh no, sorry, the European Union

Trump threatens tariffs on Melania

Trump: I was joking when I said I wasn't joking

Two-child benefit cap to be scrapped, but third child to be taxed from six months

UK economy grows 'ironically'


Modelmaker  


Americans call for referendum on return to being ruled by British King

BBC complains that ITV's Magpie stole Blue Peter's shiniest ideas

Elbow to get joint billing with Kneecap on Glastonbury Pyramid stage

Farage promises under Reform, doctors would be urged to prescribe beer and fags

Hopes that EU deal, may allow basic amount of food back into UK shops

Labour to offer referendum about exchanging Eurovision for EU membership

Prisoner requests day release to visit his jailed ex-governor

Reform-controlled councils ban sale of milkshakes

Starmer: "We can't rebuild the Red Wall, as Rayner has used all the bricks for housing"


MrQ    


Container ships now providing door to door service

Cucumber raita narrowly misses out on literary award

Digging gets underway to find Tories latest poll rating

Government to appoint new Minister of U-turns

Nearly 2 years in and over 50,000 Palestinians dead but make no mistake Israel have been warned

Posh lady distraught after catching a common cold

Suspicious campers charged with intent

UK in talks to hold talks about talking

UK sends trade envoy to Israel to discuss weather

Undercover officer still in bed

United seek criminal defence lawyer


Paul L 


Board game thief uses a get out of jail free card


rowly  


Gary Lineker quits BBC, "I was only saying I had supported my mate Gazza"


sockpuppet   


Trump wins Goebbels BS Award after latest interview


Sully   


Reform vow to give British fish the vote


thesquire      

  

Doctor Who avoids the hideous monster that is Eurovision


Titus   


'Britain has secret base on Chagos islands'. So how do you know?

Cardinals say 'Wahey, Lads! It's a lock-in!'

Disappointment that Pope from Peru fails to adopt name Paddingtonus

Dogs looking forward to the next ban collar day

Evri parcel now allegedly at risk of being Dropped, Hidden or Lost

New reservoir plans don't hold water

Vegetarian reluctant to join 'meat too' movement


tonymc      

      

Europa Final greenest yet as millions switch off

Israel insist 9 year old killed was senior Hamas commander

It's not Genocide if victims aren't Jews says UK


Walter Eagle  


Trump Wants Foreign Movies Tariffs.. For A Few Dollars More


watchermark 


Trump: the Bird-brained Man of Alcatraz


wrenfoe      

    

Starmer criticises Kanye for not being racist enough




15 Years of Typos - a NewsBiscuit Anthology


NewsBiscuit (newsbiscuit.com) was created in September 2006 by TV writer and author John O’Farrell to provide the UK with the first British online satire news site. One of the underpinning features of NewsBiscuit that still sets it apart from its competitors is that it exists to allow aspiring comedy writers an environment to develop and hone their skills at no cost to themselves, while providing the UK and beyond with a daily dose of satirical and comedic articles and tickers.


A group of six of the NewsBiscuit editors have assembled and curated over 500 comedic articles and several hundred one line jokes that have been published on the website over the last 15 years, covering topics ranging from UK and World news, Science, Technology, Sport and Faith, plus many more.


All of the articles and one-liners published in this anthology have been granted permission to be reproduced by over 80 contributors free of charge.


15 Years of Typos makes a great gift for friends and, of course, for yourself!





NewsBiscuit - Best of June 2024

ree

June 2024


In June 2024, the General Election campaign in the UK was all-consuming and there was no escape. The Tories continued to announce new policies that they could have enacted in office, but hadn’t bothered to. Labour continued to say as little as possible. Migrants arriving in small boats continued to be a big political issue. The government did successfully get rid of one unwanted migrant, however, as the infamous freeloader Julian Assange finally returned to Australia.


The stories we posted in June 2024 seemed to presage the election result. There was a lot of poking fun at the Conservatives, with a side order of incredulity about Reform, and a degree of tolerance for Ed Davey’s cunning stunts.


With hindsight, it seems impossible that the Conservatives could have survived such a satirical onslaught. And so it proved to be. We’re taking all the credit.


Almost all other news was squeezed out. But there is always room for a royal story, and Princess Anne provided some light relief by getting kicked in the head by a horse. We assume it was a horse. She can’t remember. It can’t have been Andrew, because he was getting a pizza. And Sir Ian McKellen engaged in some ill-advised crowd-surfing after falling off the stage at the RSC.


Here is a selection of the top stories from June 2024. Click through to read the stories and the author credits. Scroll down to see some of the month’s best headlines.


General Election Stories


The Not-The-Election Stories


Selected headlines from June 2024

Bingo callers introduce "Gamblers' Den" for number 10

Baby delivered in car came with free coke and garlic bread

Tories walking slowly investigated by Ambling Commission

Chip van commemorates D-Day with a frypast

Ed Davey completes tour of all Britain's theme parks

Julian Assange disappointed at missing out on Rwanda

Rishi: Go back to your constituencies and prepare for oblivion

Tory manifesto launched on the side of a driverless bus

Ventilation expert disappointed by Onlyfans website  

Princess Anne in a stable condition

MP having buttock reduction surgery afraid he might lose his seat

Fire brigade called to massive blaze in Rishi Sunak's pants drawer

Sir Ian McKellen to star in stage adaptation of 'The Fall Guy'

Man who had a large mole removed from nose says 'the worst thing was those front claws'



Image credit: deep dream generator


bottom of page